Stress Management:: 4 Critical Distinctions

Stress Vs Pressure

Stress is something we all have, it's not going away, it's a sign we are alive. The question is in how you handle it. Pressure, on the other hand, is what we tell ourselves about the stress in our lives. It's a self-induced, inside job.

Have To Vs Get To

To understand what I am getting at here, just pay attention to how many times a day you catch yourself thinking or saying "I have to.........". If you are like most folks, you'll notice you say this more often than you realized. Have to implies resistance, obligation, drudgery, etc. It's simply a motivation reducer. Get to, on the other hand, brings with it excitement, desire, and perhaps even fun.

Privilege Vs Burden

I think it's human nature to turn some of our privileges into burdens. When we see events or tasks in our life as burdens, we get weighed down. Another sign of the burden view is feeling worn out and overwhelmed, all the time. When we view events and tasks in our life as privileges, we bring a much stronger attitude to our daily lives. When you view something you are doing as a privilege, you can then approach them with a sense of honor. That's a motivator.

Passion vs Dread

Think of a time you dreaded doing something? It's not a lot of fun, is it?. Now think about a time you were really passionate about doing something. Maybe even just excited about getting it done. Which did you like better?

Stress Management: Holding On Vs. Dropping It

One of the dumbest things I have ever done is grab a hot iron by the bottom.

We were rushing out of the house for a trip a few years back. The last time I had used it was hours ago that morning, and had left it on the ironing bourd in the bed room. I didn't know Lauren had used it just a moment before.

I've never dropped anything so fast before or since!

Most of you are probably a whole lot smarter than me and have never picked up a hot iron. At the same time, I bet everyone has had the experience of picking up something hot, getting burned, and dropping it right away.

Would it make any sense to keep holding something hot like that? Of course not.

That's why we drop them so quickly.

Then why do we hold on so tightly to hot emotional issues and allow them to keep burning us?

Yet we do it all the time. Something inconvenient, bad, or even traumatic occurs, and we hold on to it for dear life. I've worked with people who had experienced trauma and were doing fairly well not too long after. I've also worked with people who had experienced trauma years and years ago, yet it seemed as if it had just happened.

How to Hold On

Holding on to something that is burning us requires a lot of conscious attention, just like flunking gym class in school. Here's a few "tips" for holding on:

*Play the situation or offense over and over in your mind. Be sure to make a little "mental movie" for your own viewing pleasure.

*Make sure it's the first thing you think of in the morning and the last thing you think of at night.

*Tell everyone who will give you an ear the whole entire story, in play by play detail.

*Make it the defining moment in your life.

*Isolate yourself from other people

*Rant and rave about the injustice and unfairness of it all.

*Look at yourself as a victim.

How to Drop It

Just as holding on to something requires conscious attention, dropping something requires a conscious decision. Here's a few tips for dropping it:

*as stated above, decide to. You must decide to do it before any ot the other tips will work.

*take away from it what you can learn, leave behind anything else.

*find a symbol of the event and burn it, bury it, or both. I know this might sound a little silly, but it works.

*remember the saying "Success comes from good judgement. Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement."

*and perhaps the most important: make a place for it in your life, because it did happen. And then put it in it's place, which is behind you.

Hold on and get burned or drop it and move on. It's a choice.

And it's yours to make.

Stress Management: Have To Vs. Get To

File this one under the category of "watch your language."

The language we use when we are trying to change something simply amazes me. We say things like I can't - it's not fair - I'll never be able to do this - etc. And then we wonder why we are frustrated and don't feel so good.

One of the most limiting things we say to ourselves is "I have to." Our brains hear I have to and tend to automatically rebel.

Perhaps it's a holdover from childhood.

A much more useful way to talk to ourselves is to change our "I have to" into "I get to."

You might say that this is just semantics. I would answer by saying it's almost all semantics.

Here's why - "I have to" usually leads to little motivation, avoidance, and grudging obligation. On the other hand, "I get to" often leads to motivation, excitement and opportunity.

So let's practice turning your I have to's into I get to's.

I have to take out the trash. I get to contribute to and serve my family.

I have to get up in the morning. I get to spend another day above ground and see what I can make of it.

I have to go to work. I get to go do something I love and provide for my family.

I have to go to class. I get to have the privilege of getting an education.

I have to pick up my kids from practice. I get to spend time with my children. In the car, which is a captive audience where we don't have the pressure of just staring at each other. Maybe we will be able to talk.

I have to finish this project for the office. I get to contribute to something I believe in.

I have to go to the gym. I get to take care of my body and maybe even have some fun.

I have to finish this column and get it in on time. I get to have the privilege of helping (hopefully) more people.

These are just a few examples. Simply fill in the blanks with the ones from your own life which will be most helpful to you.

I invite you to practice watching your language this next week I think you will be surprised how often you use the phrase "I have to."

Have to vs get to is your choice.

Stress Management: 5 More Things to Clean Out of Your Mental Closet

Resentments

A wise friend once said that holding onto resentments is like trying to crush a sandspur between your fingers. You might eventually do it, but it sure is going to hurt you in the process.

Life tip: Forgive. Release yourself from the pain and focus on the future.

Procrastination

"I'll do it later" has to be the biggest con job we can run on ourselves. Procrastination fosters the belief in "someday," which never comes because it just isn't on the calendar.

Life tip: The next time you are tempted to procrastinate, simply put it off. Procrastinate about procrastinating. Do it now, procrastinate later.

Rationalizations

While excuses hold us back from doing the things we know we need to do, rationalizations sear our conscious to allow us to do the things we know we should not do.

Life tip: Another way to spell the word rationalize is "rational lies." Tell yourself the truth. There is no good rationalization for doing something you know is wrong.

Expediency

The desire to get things done quickly can be a good thing. But when expediency takes the place of effectiveness, watch out. This happens often with parents and kids. Sure we could do it quicker and better, but what are they learning?

Life tip: Don't sacrifice effectiveness for expediency. Slow down enough to do a job well or to show someone else how to do a job well.

If onlys

If onlys come wrapped in the package of regrets. I've worked with people whose entire lives were wrapped around one or two if onlys, as if focusing on if onlys could change anything.

Life tip: Take one good long hard last look at all of your if onlys. Lift out what you can learn from them to use in your future, the rest of your life. Then, taking these learnings with you, turn around and head into your future.

Stress Management: The Power of Expectancy

On a beautiful summer day years ago, I went water skiing with some new friends. I hadn't skied in a while, and as I floated in the water with long pieces of wood strapped to my feet, here's what I remember thinking:

"I wonder if I remember how to do this." "Will I be able to get up?" "How soon will I crash?"

The rope tightened and I got up like I'd been doing this for years, began to ski and sure enough, the next thing I knew - crash - face full of lake.

Here comes the point of the story - As I floated in the water, waiting for the boat and the rope to come back around, I realized that the only reason I had crashed was because I had expected to crash.

The Power of Expectancy

The power of expectancy shapes our lives. I've found that most of us have either a negative expectancy (things won't work out) or a positive expectancy (things usually work out). There doesn't seem to be a middle ground.

Expectancy controls what we focus on, and what we focus on usually comes about.

Eeyore Expectancy

I call people that always focus on the negative "Eeyores." For those of you who do not have kids or don't remember the story, Eeyore is a donkey in the Winnie the Pooh story that mopes around, head hung to the ground, moaning and groaning about life.

The Language

"It's just too good to be true"

"I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop" There are times when we are so sure that the other shoe is going to drop that we throw it down ourselves.

"If something bad can happen, it will, and it will happen to me."

The Outcome

The outcome of "eeyore expectancy" is usually fairly lousy. Even if good stuff does happen, it's easy to miss with your eyes dragging the ground. You get what you focus on.

Positive Expectancy

Here's what positive expectancy is not:

burying your head in the sand and saying "everything will be all right."

a glorified form of denial

a new term for "positive thinking"

I don't believe in "positive thinking", at least not in the way it's commonly portrayed. Example: while it's pouring rain, walking through the rain saying "It's not raining, it's not raining, it's not raining," will get you soaked!

Positive expectancy IS an attitude. It's an attitude that goes something like, "whatever happens, not only will we figure out a way to handle it, we'll also find a way to make it work for us."

Stress Managment: 5 Things to Clean Out of Your Mental Closet

Excuses

We all have them. It amazes me how creative I can be when I need a good excuse for something. In life we either have success, or we have excuses.

Life tip: For one week, pay attention to how often you create excuses for yourself. You'll be surprised by how many excuses you make and how often you make them. Then start to refute them. Ask your self "is this really true, or is it just convenient for me to believe?"

Limitations

Richard Bach offers us this great piece of wisdom about limitations - "Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours."

Other than gravity, mortality and a few others, most of our limitations are self-imposed. Now why would we want to do that?

Life tip: Whenever you notice that you are imposing a limitation on yourself, ask "what would I be able to do without this limitation?" Then start heading in that direction.

I can'ts

If you believe you can't, then you can't. If you believe you can, you just might make it.

Life tip: Don't focus on what you can't do; focus on what you can.

Entitlement:

Our culture has taught us that we deserve all good things just by showing up. That's just not the real world. We are promised only the pursuit of happiness, not happiness itself. It's up to us to have the guts and determination for the pursuit.

Life tip: If you want something, make very sure that you are doing all the necessary things to get there. No excuses allowed.

Clutter

This one will sound more like the typical spring-cleaning tip. I include it because clutter, excess stuff laying around, is a major source of stress and actually holds us back in life. We have to move around it and through it, and it stays in our minds on the list called "things I really ought to do someday but know I never will."

Life tip: If you have not used it in the past year, and it does not have intrinsic or sentimental value, give it away, sell it or throw it out.

Stress Management: How to Take Off Those Masks We Wear

The Mask of "I've Got It All Together"

It's so easy to put this mask on, and then forget you are wearing it. We want to look to the outside world as if everything is fine, we've got it all handled, no problems, thank you very much.

This one weighs alot, and is very heavy to carry around. Even worse, it makes it very hard to ask for help, which leads to the next mask.............

The Mask of "I Don't Need Anyone"

Simon and Garfunkel sang "I am a rock, I am an island." So American culture, and so wrong. While it's good to stand on your own two feet, pull yourself up by your own bootstraps, and all other applicable clichés, when taken to an extreme, it can be very isolating. While being independent is a worthy goal, we all need someone to lean on. The curious thing is, most people really like to help when asked.

The Mask of Perfectionism

Another very seductive mask because it makes us look so good. Too bad it's not only false, it's also not attainable. So many people strive for perfection as a way to feel good about themselves. A good move here is to trade in perfectionism for excellence, which is attainable, and a whole lot more fun.

The Mask of Busy-ness

Somehow, busy-ness has become associated with importance. If we are always busy, then we must be important. Unfortunately, busy-ness binds us to many things that might be good and worthwhile, while we miss the things that are the very best.

The Mask of Knowing It All

In the world of "difficult people", these folks are known as IEOE's, Instant Experts On Everything. This mask is typically accompanied by a burning desire to beat people over the head with their important knowledge. The really sad thing is these folks tend to be very unteachable, and therefore never actually learn anything.

The Mask of "Impression Management"

While similar to the I've Got It All Together mask, it differs in at least one important way. It's much more exhausting. It's hard to put down the worry about what everyone else thinks, and the need to control the impression you make on each and every person.

The goal of most masks is protection. In many cases it is not needed. Or if it was once needed, that time has passed. Taking off these masks involves risk. It's useful to begin by peeking out from behind the masks a little bit at a time, and then watch what happens. Most folks find that it's much safer out there than they thought, and it's a whole lot easier than lugging around all those heavy masks.

Stress Management: Problem Land or Solution Land

In my experience, most of us spend a lot more time living in problem land, griping and complaining, than we do in solution land, working hard and enjoying solving problems.

It's almost become a national past time. Just check out a talk show or a self help book. Almost all the time and space is spent describing, giving examples, and complaining about the problem, with, if we're lucky, only a glimpse at possible solutions.

Drives me nuts.

Having said all that, let's look at some signs and symptoms of problem land and some signs and solutions for solution land.

How to Live in Problem Land

Complain. A lot. Raise it to an art form.

When something goes wrong, immediately look for someone to blame.

A cousin to the one above, when something goes wrong, take no responsibility for changing things.

Keep a working list of all offenses ever done to you, and bring them up when anything bad happens.

Spend 95% of your time focusing on and complaining about the problem, and only 5% on working toward a solution. This my biggest gripe with most self-help books.

Make lots of disempowering, self-defeating statements, such as: "This isn't fair." "This shouldn't be happening" "This isn't my fault"

Follow this up with disempowering, self-defeating questions, such as: "Why is the world out to get me?" "Why doesn't God like me?"

Or as Rabbit says in Winnie the Pooh, "Why does this always happen to me? Why, oh why, oh why?"

All of above factors keep your focus on the problem instead of the solution. At best, you may be able to get someone to feel sorry for you, and at worst, you stay stuck in the problem.

How to Live in Solution Land

Number one rule. When problems arise (and they will), look for solutions. In the movie "Rising Sun", actor Sean Connery has this great line, "In America, when something goes wrong, we look for someone to blame. In Japan, when something goes wrong, they look for solutions."

Consider this quote from Richard Bach, author of "Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah.": "There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in it's hands. We seek problems because we need their gifts."

Ask questions that lead to action, such as: "How can I make this work for me?" "What might be the gift for me in this problem?"

Spend no more that 5% of your time and energy complaining about the problem, and 95% of your time and energy creatively solving the problem.

Consider these solutions oriented questions from motivational expert Tony Robbins:

What's not perfect yet?

What's good about this problem? If you can't think of anything good, ask "If there was something good about this, what would it be?" What am I willing to do to solve this problem?

What am I willing to no longer do to solve this problem?

What actions can I take that will help me solve this problem and enjoy the process?

"There is a time in the life of every problem when it is big enough to notice and small enough to solve quickly." Attack problems early and head on, before they have a chance to grow.

I'll close with a fantastic quote from W. Mitchell, one to live by: "It's not what happens to us in life that makes the difference. It's what we do about it." In other words, we have the power of choice. Problem land or solution land, which will it be for you?

Stress Management: 4 Steps to Massive Stress Relief by Having Fun

Over the years I've collected scores of comics and cartoons about marriage, families, stress and change. There is just something about a good comic strip that can many times explain something much better than I can.

One of my all time favorite strips in the "Family Circus" - and not just because the little boy's name is Jeff. It's also because it realistically captures many of the struggles of day to day living.

A few years back, I cut out a Family Circus that had just two scenes in it.

The first scene shows the two parents, huddled attentively in front of the TV, watching an older and obviously learned gentleman lecturing on The Fundamentals of Having Fun, if you can believe such a title.

The second scene simply shows the kids out in the yard - running, playing, swinging, playing chase, and basically Having Fun!

Now, can someone please explain to me how it is that we go from being kids who naturally know how to have fun to being adults that have to watch a TV program in order to learn how to have fun?

Exactly what has happened to us?

What I notice with more and more frequency, both in my practice and in my seminars, is that many "grown-ups" have somehow forgotten how to do at least two very important things in life: how to rest and how to have fun.

We'll save how to rest for another time. Today we will tackle a very simple exercise on how to have fun.

Four Simple Steps to Remembering How to Have Fun

Step 1 - Write down 5 -10 things that you like to do for fun. They can be small, just a few minute things or larger more time consuming activities, and everything in between. If you can't think of at least five things you like to do for fun, call me, we need to talk.............

Step 2 - Looking at your list, do the following:

put a "D" next to each thing you have done in the last day/24 hours

put a "W" next to each thing you have done in the last week

put an "M" next to each thing you have done in the last month

put a 6 next to each thing you have done in the last 6 months, and finally

put a 1 next to each thing you have done in the last year

Step 3 - Review your list. If you find you have lots of D's and W's, good for you! If you are like most folks however, you will find you have many more 1's, 6's and M's than you might have expected. That's the purpose of this little check-up, to give you a bit of a wake up call. Now on to step four and what you can do about this............

Step 4 - Choose just one activity from your list that you can commit to doing in the next week. Make the decision to do this activity NO MATTER WHAT!

We tend to make things so difficult, when really this can be quite simple.

Then the next week, choose something else from your list and do that one. And so on and so on. In this way, you get 100% improvement each week.

Not bad, huh?

Now if you really want to be radical, you could do one thing from your list everyday.

But that might be too much fun..................

Stress Management: How to Change Limiting Beliefs

Mark Twain once said, "It's not what we don't know that hurts us. It's what we know that isn't so."

At this point, you might be saying, "Wait a minute, if I believe I know something, doesn't that make it so?"

Well, yes and no. (That's a classic therapist answer, by the way.) The yes part is that in many ways, if we believe something, that can make it so for us. Henry Ford said, "Whether you believe you can or you believe you can't, you're right."

The no part is this - what if what you believe isn't accurate, is no longer true, or just isn't so?

I realize this might be a lot to think about with your morning coffee, but consider this - a belief is merely a feeling of certainty about something. Some beliefs enhance and expand our lives, such as "if it's possible in the world, it's possible for me."Other beliefs tend to limit and inhibit our lives. It's been my experience that we carry around many more limiting beliefs than we do enhancing beliefs.

Most, if not all, of our limiting beliefs can be divided into three categories; I am......, people are......., and the world is......."

I am.........People are..........

These limiting beliefs include our prejudices and influence how we see other people. Some of the most common are -

That's a man's/woman's job

Any kind of prejudice

People can't be trusted

Everyone is out for themselves

Nice guys finish last

People are too busy to care

The World Is..........

These limiting beliefs influence how we see the world and our position in it. Some of the most common are -

It's a dog-eat-dog world.

The world is a ghetto (oops, that's George Benson, just to jazz things up a little)

Society owes me a living.

The world is falling apart.

Do you recognize yourself in any of these limiting beliefs? Can you think of other beliefs that have limited you in the past or are limiting you now?

My purpose here is twofold. First, to get you to identify and begin to consider how certain beliefs have limited you. Second, to give you some tools for changing limiting beliefs into beliefs that can support and enhance your life.

Have you ever noticed that when you buy something new, such as a car, you begin to see that car everywhere? They were there before, it's just that now your focus has changed. It's the same way with limiting beliefs. They point our focus in a certain direction, and we can always find evidence to support them.

But other than getting to be "right", what good does it do? Our limiting beliefs continue to hold us back.

Here are three ways that you can begin to change limiting beliefs-

1) Begin to question them. Ask yourself, "Is this really true?" Would a camera, taking a picture, be able to support this belief?

2) Counter the belief. Sometimes, just saying and considering the opposite is enough to change the belief. For example, change "I'm too old" into "I'm just the right age to do what I want to do."

3) Redirect your brain. For example, ask yourself "In how many ways can I be happy now, have people care about me, has the world worked?" All of these are counters to the limiting beliefs listed above.

Our beliefs can either limit or enhance our lives. With the proper tools, the choice is then up to us. What will it be for you?

Stress Management: Are You a Diamond or a Lump of Coal?

"Do you want to be a lump of coal or do you want to be a diamond?" That's the first question I ask to begin my stress management seminar called "A Diamond is Nothing More Than a Lump of Coal That Handled Stress Very Well."

We seem to have some interesting misconceptions about the stress in our lives. The most common is that stress is something to be avoided at all costs, and true happiness comes from being totally stress free.

That's just not true in the real world. If you don't believe me, check out the results of a study conducted into the effects of stress on performance. In the study, subjects were instructed to watch trains pass at a crossing and to write down a five digit number on the side of the train. At first the trains came by slowly, then continued to speed up until the numbers were just a blur going by. The researchers then counted the number of errors in copying down the numbers on the train. Here's the results - when the trains were going very fast, there were many errors, as might be expected. The interesting thing is that there were just as many errors when the trains were going by slowly. The best scores were when the trains were going by at a moderately rapid rate.

One of the lessons for us in this study is that a certain amount of stress, managed properly, not only does not harm us, it's necessary for optimum performance.

Back to the question with which I started this column - "Do you want to be a lump of coal or a diamond?" There are questions, beliefs and actions that go along with being a lump of coal, and there are questions, beliefs and actions that go along with being a diamond. Let's take a closer look at each of these categories.

Lump of Coal Questions and Beliefs

Why does this always happen to me? A good victim question that takes away all your power to do anything about the situation. This shouldn't be happening, it's not fair! Another victim belief. Same result - no power or strength fo change. If it's stressful, I shouldn't do it. Then you may not do much, because stress is an indication that you are still alive.

Lump of Coal Actions

Giving up. The worst thing we can do when dealing with stress. An old quote helps us understand why we do this - "when you're up to our posterior in alligators, it's difficult to remember your original intention was to drain the swamp!"

Taking it out on others. Stress seems to roll down hill onto the other people around us.

Becoming "stressed out". Becoming stressed out freezes our creativity and sense of humor, and leaves us stuck.

Diamond Questions and Beliefs

How can I make this work for me? Another old quote applies here - "when life hands you lemons, the only winning choice is to make lemonade." While that my sound too nice and easy, think about it for a moment. Simply asking the question "how can I make this work for me?" opens up our mind to the possibilities and creative choices available to us.

I can handle it. When it comes to handling stress like a diamond, this "the phrase of champions." An even better phrase is "in how many ways can I handle it and enjoy the process."

Diamond Actions

Living a life of fulfillment and purpose. Managing stress well allows you to live a life well lived.

Confronting stress head on. Seeing stress as a challenge allows us to be proactive and creative in designing a "diamond life."

Making stress work for you. The number one way to make stress work for you is to take action. Taking action allows you to sharpen your skills and become a diamond. Now, just to be clear - am I saying that stress is always good for you? Of course not. There are certain types of stress as well as certain times in our lives when the healthiest thing to do is remove ourselves from the source of stress.

Am I saying that there are ways to handle the stress in our lives that can make it work for us, that allow us to thrive instead of just survive? You bet I am!

A lump of coal or a diamond. Which will it be for you?

Workaholism: 4 Universal Laws for Recovery

The Rule of Balance

There is more to life than work. There are so many other areas of our lives than just work. Spend some time each day and/or week focused on all the other areas of your life. Repeat after me, there is more to life than work.

The Rule of 10

This one is a bit controversial, but I've come to believe it through my own experience. The rule of ten states that if it can't be done in ten hours in a day, it shouldn't be done. Occasionally putting in over time or having crunch times is fine, it just doesn't need to become a way of life. Anything more robs you of your presence in all the other areas of your life.

The Rule of Recovery

After a particularly stressful period at work, it's vital for good health to have an equally enjoyable recovery time.

The Rule of Rest

Remember rest?

I have a friend who likes to say "I'll rest when I die." My fear is his rest will be too soon and too long. If we don't give our body and mind the rest they need, our bodies and minds will find a way to get the rest they need.

Now go use this stuff!

Stress Management: Are You a Workaholic - Humorous View

As we celebrate yet another Labor Day, I thought it might be useful to take a look at the place of work in our lives.

For some of us, work is a means to an end, for others it's a joy, and for still others it's like an addiction.

Addiction to work is called workaholism. One of the many interesting things about workaholism is that it is the most socially accepted addiction. We tend to give praise in our society to those that work too hard without considering the many costs involved.

Humor has a way of cutting through our defenses. So I thought I might take a humorous look at a serious subject as a way of getting through to you.

So with a nod to comedian Jeff Foxworthy, here's a tongue-in-cheek look at workaholism called "You might be a workaholic if....":

If your answering machine says, 'the kids are in bed and dinner is in the fridge', you might be a workaholic.

If your children call 911 when you come home before dark, you might be a workaholic.

If your business cellular phone bill is larger than your house payment, you might be a workaholic.

If Thanksgiving dinner is the last meal you ate with your family, you might be a workaholic.

If your receptionist or secretary talks to your spouse more than you do, you might be a workaholic.

Stress Management: An Owners Manual for Your Brain

Here's an amazing quote from Time magazine:

"At birth a baby's brain contains 100 billion neurons, roughly as many nerve cells as there are stars in the Milky Way."

My first thought was after reading this was "Wow, we get all that power and hardware with no owner's manual or instruction booklet!"

Having just recently purchased a new computer, I've been pouring through owner's manuals and instruction booklets, trying to understand a tenth of what this machine can do. Just imagine what we could do if we understood a tenth of what our brains could do.

Now, I certainly won't presume to be able to offer an owner's manual, but I can offer a few suggestions for what and what not to put into our brains.

The power of the thoughts we think and the words we use is grossly underestimated. You've probably heard someone say, usually while losing an argument or debate, "Well, that's just semantics."

One of the things I've learned when it comes to managing our brains is that it is all semantics. This is because our brain is simply a computer that takes in what we give it, whether it is useful for us or not.

For example, there are several words that I call garbage words. A garbage word is a word that if you allow your brain to use it on a regular basis, you will get garbage thinking. Garbage thinking leads to garbage feelings and garbage actions, all of which can keep us from living the kind of life that we want to have.

Let's look at a few of the more common garbage words or phrases, and what kind of words to use instead.

I Have To - There are very few things in life we have to do. There are very many things in life we choose to do. Constantly saying "I have to" diminishes our power of choice. Replacing "I have to" with "I choose to" or "I get to" allows us to choose and bypasses the brains natural resistance to force.

Try- This is one of the most powerful garbage words in common usage. For example, try and pick up the newspaper from which you are reading this column. You either picked it up or you didn't. Those are the only two outcomes. In the words of Star War's Yoga - "Do or do not. There is no try."

Hard - This garbage word convinces our brain not to do something. It's an excuse for fear and/or laziness. Rocks are hard, and so are some people's heads. Saying something is hard does not make it any easier to accomplish. Some things are difficult, however. Difficult things are very doable, they just require constant attention.

I Can't - This one usually means I won't or I choose not to. A good counter is "if I could, what would I do?" Lose Weight - I love this one. Consider how many times you or someone you know has said they want to lose weight. Now consider what the brain hears. What have we conditioned our brains to do when we lose something? That's right - to find it and get it back. Instead of losing weight, we want to get rid of weight.

Yes, but.... - Another commonly used garbage phrase. Sometimes cleverly disguised as simply "but," with something good in front of it. As in "I'd really like to, but........" Our brain automatically disregards everything that came before the "but." Another way of saying this is when you hear the word but, disregard everything that came before it, because here comes the truth.

Instead of saying but, use the word "and." As in "you did a good job with this, and you could also do that."

"Now wait just a minute!," you might be saying. "Isn't this just a form a positive thinking?" Not really. While positive thinking can be good, it's not enough all by itself. If you are walking in the rain during a thunderstorm, saying "It's not raining, it's not raining," you are still going to get wet. This is about using words to properly operate your brain.

Here's a suggestion. Try doing, oops, I mean do, each one of these for a week. At the end of each week, you will have eliminated one garbage word from your brain, which is 100% improvement. Not bad for a little bit of time and effort, wouldn't you say?

Stress Management and Mastery: Breakdown or Breakthrough?

Q: "My career, though very very stressful, is one that I thoroughly enjoy and do not want to change. Because I'm under so much stress, my counselor has recommended that I eliminate all stress from my life. This doesn't seem to make sense to me, especially since I like what I do so much. Should I quit my job, or is there something else I can do?"

I think your counselor is wrong. I'm sure they mean well, they just don't understand some key distinctions about stress.

The reason for that rather bold statement is that unless you are in imminent danger of a heart attack, stroke or some other equally severe catastrophe, there is no reason to eliminate all the stress from your life. The only people I know who are completely stress free can be found a few blocks down the street from my office - in the cemetery!

Not only is it not really possible to eliminate all the stress from your life, it's not very healthy as well.

What!?! are you saying stress can be healthy?!

Well, in a word, yes.

Before you think I'm completely nuts, consider what some scientists have found. Who knows where they get these ideas, but apparently some researchers found a way for a butterfly to get out of a cocoon without having to struggle. Here's the interesting part for our approach to stress. As they further studied the butterflies, they found that the ones that did not have to struggle out of their cocoons were not as healthy, not as brightly colored, and did not live as long as the butterflies that had to go through some struggles.

The meaning for us is clear: the right amount of struggle and stress can be a good thing.

When it comes to successfully dealing with stress and struggle, you can have only one of two results: a breakdown or a breakthrough. Let's take a closer look at each of these two options.

How to Have a Breakdown

Obsess on the stress in your life. Think about nothing else.

Even though you are the only invited guest, have a continuing "pity party."

Talk constantly about the stress you feel, especially to those that agree completely with you.

Get little or no exercise. After all, with all this stress, you just don't have time.

Ask lousy questions, such as "Why does this always happen to me?", "Why don't other people have as much stress as me?", etc. etc.

Take a "dead roach approach." You know, flat on your back, just letting the stress happen to you.

Follow these directions: Say to yourself "I have to do this, I have to do this, I have to do this." Rinse. Repeat.

Cut down on your sleep and rest. Remember, you just don't have time.

Focus on everything that is wrong in your life.

Put off all enjoyment until the stress has passed. Remember, you don't have time.

Pray that life gets easier.

Isolate yourself. Believe you have to do it all your self.

Carry the burden alone.

Believe you have absolutely no choice in the matter.

Stress Management: Are You a Worrier or a Warrior?

Do you attack problems and solve them or do you whine and moan about how it's just not fair?

Do you anticipate and plan for the future or do you worry about what's around the next corner?

When life hands you a lemon, do you make lemonade or do you complain about the size of the lemon?

Do you see the glass as half empty, half full, or perhaps just not big enough?

Let's look at a few ways to be a worrier, and see if you recognize any thing in your self. Then we'll look at how to be a warrior.

How to Be a Worrier

We all worry. It's a part of life. It's what we do with our worries that make the difference.

In order to be a championship worrier however, you need to adopt a few of the following traits:

Worry. A lot. Raise it to an art form. Believe it makes a difference.

Anticipate the worst in every situation, then drag your mind and emotions into the future as if it's really happening right now.

Really, honestly believe that worrying enough can actually change something.

Do nothing about your worries. Take no action at all.

Make your ongoing question in life "what if.....?", and then make no plans for what if.

Your motto is "survive the day."

You worry that you don't know enough about something and are afraid to learn.

You spend 95% of your time worrying about a problem and a mere 5% on solving it.

How to Be a Warrior

Before I give you a few traits of a warrior, it might be useful to explain what I mean by the term warrior. What I don't mean is someone who picks fights, enjoys hurting people, or walks around with a sword and shield.

What I do mean is someone who takes on life as a challenge and lives to get the very most out of each day, for themselves and those they care about.

Here's a few traits of a warrior:

When you have a fear, you face it. It's the quickest way to make it go away.

Your motto is "seize the day."

If you don't know, you ask!

You spend 95% of your time, energy and resources solving a problem, and no more than 5% of your time worrying about the problem.

You know that the sure-fire cure for worry is ACTION.

You know how to think and problem solve in creative ways, called "thinking outside the box" in the business world.

You have an almost insatiable curiosity about the world.

You have the unique ability to look at something that has always been there, and see something that no one else has seen before.

You have what Stu Weber in his book "Tender Warrior" calls a "provisionary heart." This is the ability to look at the future, anticipating patterns and trends, and then not only prepare to survive but thrive as well.

If you find your self identifying with the traits of the worrier more than the traits of the warrior, here's two things you can do about it:

1) stop worrying about it, and then

2) practice and adopt the traits of the warrior. Try them on and see what you can do with each of them.

This is a situation where change is quite possible. It just takes a decision and then some practice.

Stress Management: Workaholism is a Thief

Let's take a look at some of the more serious signs and effects of workaholism.

Workaholism is a thief. Here are a few of the things that workaholism can rob from us.

Workaholism steals your mind

You can rarely think about anything else or concentrate on something else beside work. The focus of your mind is on problems and issues at work. You may be good at problem solving on the job, while problems in the rest of your life are ignored and continue to mount.

A clear sign of work stealing your mind is something I call "Sunday Night Syndrome", which is becoming anxious about and dreading work before the weekend is even over.

Workaholism steals your presence

Work keeps you away from those you love and those who love you. You are usually not there and miss out on important events, whether it's as simple as dinner or as big as a birthday party.

Consider these line from the song "Cats in the Cradle" by singer-song writer Harry Chapin: "A child arrived just the other day. He came to the world in the usual way. But there were planes to catch and bills to pay. He learned to walk while I was away." If this sound painfully familiar, you might be a workaholic.

Even when you are at home, you are only present physically. Your mind and heart are at work.

Workaholism steals your identity

The definition of who you are is completely organized around your job. As a result, so is your self esteem, self confidence, etc.

You are what you do.

Workaholism steals your significance

Your meaning in life comes only from your job. This blocks any connection to family, friend, faith, or anything else greater than yourself.

Workaholism steals your health

Stress induced illnesses, ulcers, headaches, heart attacks, panic attacks. Sounds like a nice menu from which to choose, doesn't it?

Workaholism steals your priorities

While you may say something different, your choices and actions say that work is the most important thing in your life. Your gravestone will read "He/she was a great worker" not "He/she was a great dad/mom and husband/mom and friend." Workaholism steals your energy

Most if not all energy is spent at work. All the other people and important areas of our life get only the crumbs.

Stress Management: How to Avoid the Ruts and Holes of Life

Have you ever noticed how we keep falling into the same holes and ruts in life? We know something doesn't work and yet we keep doing the same things over and over again.

Have you ever wondered why we do this? And more importantly, how do we stop doing it, how do we stop "digging"? And how do we get out?

As I've studied and searched over the years for ways to help people get the changes they want, quickly, gently and effectively, I've stumbled across a poem that seems to capture well the process of change.

It's called "An Autobiography in Five Short Chapters." I wish I knew who the author is, I want to thank the person. Let's look at each of these chapters, and what they have to teach us about the process of change.

Chapter One - "I walk down the road. There's a big a hole in the road. I don't see it. I fall in. It's not my fault. It's dark and scary. It takes me a long time to get out."

We've all had the experience of winding up in a hole and wondering how we got there. It seems like we were minding our own business, and all of a sudden we wind up in a situation we never intended. Or as Jimmy Buffet once sang, "......trying to figure out how I ever got here."

Chapter Two - "I walk down the road. There's a big a hole in the road. I don't see it. I fall in. It's not my fault. It's dark and scary. It takes me less time to get out."

Here we go again. If the first time came as a surprise, this is getting to be a habit, or a pattern.

Denial and blame tend to show up at this point in the game. Denial says "what do you mean, what's my part?" Blame says "someone else did this to me, and just wait until I find them!"

At this point we are still digging the hole, and are just not aware of it yet. This is where the rut begins. It's important to remember that "the only difference between a rut and a grave are the dimensions."

Chapter Three - "I walk down the road. There's a big a hole in the road. I see it. I fall in anyway. Maybe I've got something to do with this. It's dark and scary. I get out."

Don'tcha just hate it when you know better, you even know you know better, and yet you wind up in the same place again.

Here's when change can begin to occur, because we begin to see our part in the problem. Good questions to ask are -

What's my part in this? What am I willing to do to change this? What am I willing to stop doing to change this?

It's also important to remember my favorite definition of stuck is "when we keep doing the same things over and over again and expect different results."

Chapter 4 - "I walk down the road. There's a big a hole in the road. I see it. I walk around it."

Good job! You're starting to pay attention, and make progress. Here's the not so good news. It's not enough. "What do you mean, it's not enough? Didn't I stay away from the hole?"

Yes, you did. And while that's good, in the words of southern rock group Molly Hatchet, your "flirtin' with disaster."

"Why is that?"

Because you are still on the same road, and human nature has a curious feature. We tend to forget how bad things were, and we can fall into the trap of checking out the hole "just one more time", just to make sure it was really that bad. Like an alcoholic in a bar or a dieter at an all you can eat buffet, you are flirting with disaster.

Chapter Five - "I walk down a different road."

While chapters one through four do involve some amount of change, it's still not real change. There's lots of movement and things may even look different, but it's still "change without change."

The real change, that is transformation, can go something like this four step process -

1 - you do the same thing again and then realize it afterwards

2 - you do the same thing again and realize it while you are doing it

3 - you realize you are about to do the same thing before you do it, and do something different

4 - you automatically do something different

The beauty of "walking down a different road" is that transformation has taken place. Not only do you no longer fall in the old holes, you find that you don't even want to. They no longer hold any interest or attraction for you.

Sshhh... Listen to Your Own Voice

It was a self-exploration that made me understand myself. It was like discovering the one last elusive word in a jigsaw puzzle that completes other words.

I had to interview Father Francis Chittilappilly, Executive Director of BOSCO - an organization in Gandhi Nagar in Bangalore that provides succor to street children. I thought I would get it over with in an hour and then attend to the endless list of to-do that I keep in my handbag.

As I waited for Father, I watched the children in tattered clothes, picked up from the city railway station. These destitute children, who had run away from home, were generally rag-pickers. Their irrepressible enthusiasm and energy despite what life had doled out to them was remarkable. My mood, heavy with the incidents of the past few days, lifted considerably.

Father Francis came after a while, apologized and ushered me in to his office. He started telling me about what his organization was doing for the unfortunate children forsaken by the society. As he narrated several stories one-by-one, his eyes would soften; sometimes light up, only to be clouded by thoughts of the enormity and intractability of the problem.

I saw his assistants talk to the children, get their whereabouts, understand their grievances and advise them accordingly. In some cases the children refused to divulge any information, lest they sent them back to their families they had run away from. In such cases, father would call them in, talk tactfully and win their confidence. There were difficult situations when he had to play confidence-trick, as some of the hardened teenagers would smoothly fib their way through.

Father related to me the case of a 'hyperactive' girl, suffering from malfunctioning of thyroid glands, who had strayed away from her parents while travelling. She could not comprehend any question put to her. Father had to intervene; he made her draw, which in itself was no mean achievement, considering she could not be pinned down in a place. He had immense patience and with his power of persuasion he could extricate bits of unrelated information about her family, which he later pieced together. He later rang up her parents who promptly picked her up.

Father was a trained counselor. Our discussions increasingly revolved round ethics, sensitivity, savoir-faire? and I was drawing parallels in my mind about my own experiences. Before long I started telling him about my problems. He could see I was distressed; he gently made me probe into myself with 'why do you think so' or 'can it be'. He offered no reasoning, no answers: just his ears, his smile, his love. I was pouring out my childhood and adolescent experiences, dilemmas and questions, analyzing rationales, motives and hidden agenda.

I finally stopped. I was calm.

It was catharsis. I had found all the answers I needed to.

Often we are the problems and we are the solutions too.

It just needs someone who can listen patiently to make us heed to our own inner voice of reason.

By Uma Shankari

Dynamic Guide - How to Recharge Your Mind With A Refreshing Recreational Activity!

Let's face it! The majority of our time is either spent sleeping or working. The demands of our employers and our workspace means that we are all highly stressed. We face one hundred and one problems that demand our fullest attention during the day at our workplace and when we return home, we face domestic difficulties that need urgent resolution.

As a result, we keep on postponing a much needed vacation. Our present problems need urgent resolution. We are up to our neck and to our nose with things that we need to work on, to solve, to look into.

So what are we going to do?

Perhaps, we have been so deeply engrossed in the matters at hand that we have forgotten that there are activities that we can indulge in, just for a short weekend, or a few hours that can refresh our minds and our bodies, so that we can be recharged, and get rid of the inbuilt stress to face another week, another month and another year.

Consider that we can just pack some necessary light tools and be away for a short hike to the country-side or the mountains nearby. A one day hike is always possible, and brings you back to nature, and close to the tranquility of the country or the hills or fields and meadows.

Or have you considered some fishing in that creek or that nearby lake? Feel the rush of the wind, the calmness of the environment and the thrill of that fight between man and fish as you reel in your catch! Bask in the glory and self satisfaction as you observe your bounty after a day of fishing and capture the moment with some photographs for sweet memories.

Or just getting onto a cruise down the river or lake on a boat is a good activity to let loose, and refresh from the cares and worries of the day. Water skiing is a good choice for you to really enjoy it all!

And if you are game for some real physical contact, you can join some physical sports that can allow for a good degree of running and physical exertion. Consider the sports of Lacrosse! It is said you are not in the game unless you are physically bruised!

Even in winter, there is no excuse! You can be away for some snow skiing- a change of environment, some time to relax and you will feel much refreshed when you return.

We are humans, we are not machines. Man is built with emotions, with feelings and with physical bodies that need to recharge, and to rebound back with vigor. Imagine, you can be hiking, water skiing, boating, fishing, snow skiing and in a game of lacrosse. All it needs it just some planning and a desire to *really* take action. Once you tried it out once, you will find how refreshing it is, and you will want to do it again!

By Peter Lim

Stress Management: 3 Rules for Dealing with Difficult People

Seems like more and more they are all around us. You know who I'm talking about - all those difficult people who seem to cross our path everyday.

Whether we associate with them, work with them, or, even worse, live with them, they can drain the life out of your day if you let them.

3 Rules for dealing with difficult people

Rule 1 - You cannot, will not, and should not even try to change them. The only winnng move, if you can't avoid them altogether, is to change your responses to them. Remember the three things we are always responsible for, our attitudes, our choices and our actions.

Rule 2 - In order to successfully deal with difficult people, you have to play the "I can expect that" game. What is the "I can expect that" game? To play the this game, you have to expect difficult people act exactly like difficult people. The trap we fall into is that we expect everyone to play by the same nice rules (and/or our rules) and then are shocked, surprised and hurt when the difficult people show up and act the way they do.

Playing the "I can expect that" game with difficult people allows us to do at least three things:

we can anticipate and plan for their behavior we are not surprised by their behavior we can resond to their behavior, instead of reacting

Rule - You and I might be someone else's difficult person. Ouch, I know, not us right? At the same time, it's always good to check our own behavior too.

Reclaim Your Life - Extraordinary Self-Care Day

When was the last time you took a day just for yourself? If you're a small business owner or anyone else for that matter, you answer is probably never. I first learned the principal; of Extraordinary Self-care Day at a workshop given by my friend Terri Levine the author of Work Yourself Happy. Essentially an Extraordinary Self-care Day is taking one 24-hour period where you take care of yourself. You do no work at all. I know, I can hear your protest. I protested too when I first heard this idea "But you don't understand, I have to check my voicemail, I have to return phone calls, I have to answer my emails and on and on." I protested in my very best entrepreneurial voice. The truth is any of us can take a day for ourselves without consequence. Believe it or not, the world will keep spinning. Calls will wait as will email.

This is a day just for you. If you normally do the cooking on your Extraordinary Self-Care Day, you will refrain from making meals. Trust me your family will not starve. Obviously if there are small children or infants that depend on you, you would have to modify this. Overall try to do nothing that is related to your normal work. This is a pampering day just for you.

The first time I did this, I discovered just how my work relates to things that I do on any given day. Most of my reading was centered on business topics. Being an entrepreneur and self-employed, I was convinced I had to be working all the time. I was wrong. Kicking and screaming, I embarked on my Extraordinary Self-Care Day. I took a walk, read part of a novel, took a luxurious bath in our soaking tub (something I never used to do) and just hung out and took care of myself. What a concept!

It's been a year now and my Extraordinary Self-Care Day has become an integral part of my life. I not only feel better, and am having more fun, I have my life back. Doing this regularly has enabled me to put my work back into perspective. I no longer work seven days a week and I no longer do email throughout the day.

The interesting thing is that because of my taking this time to nurture myself, I'm actually more productive. Because I'm taking better care of myself I have more clarity and I'm able to better focus on the task on hand. Because I am taking better care of myself, I am more creative and productive. Most of all, because I am taking better care of myself, I feel better and have more happiness, after all isn't that what it's all about?

So your assignment, if you choose to accept it, is to schedule one 24-hour period, sometime within the next 10 days, when you can give yourself an Extraordinary Self-Care Day and then go and do it. Once you've done this, see how you might be able to do this weekly and when you feel really ready, schedule an Extraordinary Self-Care Day for what would have been a normal work day.

By Jim Donovan

Managing Stress From Another World

Modern stress is habitual, and is something that the vast majority of Americans and Britons succumb to in their material driven lives. Whether mildly or overwhelmingly, stress will cast its powers across most of us at some stage in our lives, often increasingly as we get sucked into a pattern of working and living that gradually strips us of our individuality.

Stress reduction has therefore become a "necessary" antidote industry. We may console ourselves by saying that our lives are fast paced; that this is what modern living is all about and we must pursue it frenetically; that people in those poor countries which have not adopted the Anglo-American way are just backward and will catch on eventually. But that is not just a consolation; it is both an illusion and a denial, and helps stress reduction in no way at all.

It is an illusion first of all that the average consumer has a fast paced life. A commuter may sit in a train twice a day, to and from their place of work; that train may move at a fast pace, but the commuter does not. They just sit there, their minds going over the same themes as always; last night's tv, tonight's tv, wishing they could have had another hour's sleep or wishing they were already home and tucked up for the night's slumber, or the day's boredom at work behind them or before them. Drowned in tedium and repetition, the vacuum left in their daily lives is gradually filled with stress, as if it had a supporting role in their existence.

A tiring and repetitious daily routine can be a breeding ground for discontent and unhappiness, the real reasons for modern stress. If that routine is full of creativity, and control over one's own actions, then it may not be a source of stress at all, or discontent. If, however, the individual is suppressed, then it can be a very different story. Most people are employees, whose lives are dictated by those above them and with no or little scope to think and do for themselves. They are particularly vulnerable to modern stress.

Caught up in the modern way of life, it is very easy to lose connection with yourself as an individual, for your individuality can be suppressed from all sides. I am sure I am not alone in having experienced that. I had lived the zombie like existence for over 20 years, and despite the fact that I had some very stimulating jobs, I had, almost unknowingly, lost track of life as it should be. Then in 1995, I packed it all in and started my own business, and started the long haul to win back my individuality. But it was 1998 before I started to fully appreciate again what having control over your own life really meant. The 20 plus years were a blur; where had I been all that time?

One of the problems with modern stress is that it becomes a focus, along side the focus on purely material things such as the "need" to have a new car, a new house, the best clothes, the best tv and so on. Modern stress is a consumer product in itself, part of the material razzmatazz, that keeps the consumer in his or her place: a consumer, not a doer or a thinker; someone who plays by the rules and spends and borrows and spends and borrows to relieve themselves of the tedium and chase the shadow of achievement. Not real achievement; just its shadow.

That is not to say, though, that there is no relief from stress in the Anglo-American world. Those who are able to escape back to the real world now and again, and who can exercise sufficient self control regularly enough, will find that stress relatively easy to keep under control.

So how do we get to this other world, where we can manage our stress? There are portals all around you. Anything that will take your mind away from the self focus is a portal into this other world. Spending time with your children, and seeing life through their eyes for a while every day; the joy of discovery and play; but not as a drain upon your resources, and not as a part of your tedium. Spending time appreciating the wonders around you, the joys of nature, the little miracles that are within a short distance of where you stand or sit. Spending time travelling, helping others, seeing the true misery of people who are under the real stress caused by extreme poverty and disease, not the packaged consumer stress that we tend to think of.

This "other world" is a world of perspective. It is a world you used to know, but have somehow lost through lack of time. Yet, there was never any lack of time; that was an illusion too. This "other world" is also a world where you make the choices, consciously, not have them dictated to you by employers or weariness. A few simple choices each day can distract you enough to bring some relief to consumer induced stress. Fill the vacuum with your choices, and stress will not find such an easy way in.

Create Reserves for a Stress Free Life

One of the ways I have avoided a lot of stress the last two years is to have a stockpile of birthday and all occasion greetings cards in my filing cabinet. When you work at home like I do, you try to have the least interruptions to your day as possible. These cards have saved the day on many occasions. I get them when I am out shopping, I look for the ones I love and sometimes I am able to make the most of sales and cut price items by buying them in bulk. Of course I make sure I also have a big reserve of stamps to go with them.

There are many ways to avoid those extra stresses of everyday life by thinking about what you would love to have reserves of. When you have large amounts of reserves you also start to gain extra feelings of security and abundance. You know what happens then??? If you are feeling abundance then you are living abundantly and things will start just showing up in your lifeJ What fun this is!

What if you were to have large reserves of Toilet paper and other paper items, light bulbs, laundry detergent, providing, of course that you have somewhere to store it. Start buying the very biggest packs you can find and take care to buy when they are "on special".

Ok, so its obvious that you can always gather stocks of goods you need around the house but what else?

How about what would happen if your washing machine and car broke down on the same day and you had all your underwear waiting to be washed? Ok , well maybe that wouldn't happen, but if you had reserves of underwear, it would be no problem at all. Makes quite a good argument for haveing plenty of underwear:-)....So make sure you buy in bulk and when its on sale.

Another idea is make sure that your computer has more than enough memory before you NEED to upgrade. This way if you have something important to do it doesn't result in panic when suddenly you realize you need more space!

Lets take the idea of reserves even further. What if you were to have a "reserve of time" up your sleeve, wouldn't that feel great? One way to do this is to make dummy appointments with your self on the calendar. This is great for creating time just for you, those times when you could do with a bit of pampering or just some quiet time to veg out and read a book. Just write "MPT" on the day for however much time you want, then if anyone questions it or asks you to do something you can say "sorry, no I already have an appointment that day". By the way, MPT stands for My Private Time, but know one needs to know that but youJ

Think of lots of ways you can use the idea of "reserves" in your life to make it much more stress free. I would love to hear of any ideas that you come up with. Email me at di@dyzee.com please.

By Di McDonald

Stress Management and Mastery: 3 Steps to Loving What You Do

My first real job (schedule, time clock, paycheck, boss) was as a bag boy with a chain grocery store in Winter Park, Fla. I had worked before, cutting lawns, etc., and thought I knew about working hard. I remember asking my supervisor if it was against company policy to collapse on the job on the first day.

While certainly a noble pursuit, I soon learned that bagging groceries was not my dream job.

I'm one of the lucky ones. I have my dream job. Saying that I counsel/coach, speak and write really oversimplifies all that I do, but I can tell you this:

While there really are no bad days, the absolute worst day doing what I do is still better than the best day doing anything else I've ever done.

From my experience working with clients in hundreds of different jobs, here are three tips for success on the first day, and all days, of a new job:

1. Learn from the person in the position before you

OPE, Other People's Experience, is a valuable resource to help you reduce the length of the learning curve in a new job. This is especially true when the person before you has done a great job. The really good news here is that success almost always leaves clues, a trail you can follow and from which you can learn. So, study what your predecessor did to be successful. Some questions to pay attention to are:

? How did they make it work?

? What were their unique gifts?

? What can you do the same?

? What can you do differently?

Another way to discover what the person that went before you did to be successful is to simply ask them. Yep, that's right, ask them. Contrary to popular opinion, it does not make you look as if you do not know what you are doing. The reality is asking makes you look both humble and wise enough to ask good questions. You have to A-S-K to G-E-T. You do not have to reinvent the wheel or make it up as you go along. And not only does it make you look teachable and smart enough to ask but it also honors the other person.

2. Learn all you can about what you are doing

I really admire how my father-in-law makes major purchases. When he is getting ready to spend some money, John becomes an expert in that area. He reads and studies all he can, questions lots of experts and winds up making the best decision more often than not.

Become an eager and continuous student of what you are doing. I've been in private practice for almost 20 years and in this field in some way for 27 years. I still want to be better than I was yesterday, in part because just when I get cocky enough to believe I have seen it all, God sends me something unique to keep me humble. The other reason is that the older I get and the longer I am at this, the more I realize how very much there is that I do not know or even have a clue about. The seasoned professional, the craftsman or craftswoman, is always learning.

3. Make it your own

One of the best ways to be successful in any endeavor is to make it your own. Put your own stamp on it. Barbara Glanz is the author of CARE Packages for the Workplace and a professional speaker specializing in motivating employees. She calls it putting your personal signature on your work.

Barbara tells the story of a young man named Johnny with Downs Syndrome. Johnny worked as a bag boy in a grocery store and was in the audience when Barbara spoke at a meeting on the importance of putting your personal signature on your work. Johnny heard and ran with the idea; he began to include his own "thought for the day" typed on a small sheet of paper and placed in one of the grocery bags of customers that went through his line. It was not long before the line where Johnny was bagging would regularly back up because people wanted his thought for the day.

I first heard this story almost 10 years ago. I understand that Barbara and Ken Blanchard of "One Minute Manager" fame are coming out soon with a new book titled "The Simple Truths of Service - Inspired by Johnny the Bagger." You can check it out at www.barbaraglanz.com.

If Johnny the Bagger with Downs Syndrome can do it, what in the world is stopping you and me?

12 Proven Ways To Relieve Stress Today!

Do you feel that you just don't have the time to properly de-stress each day? The good news is you can incorporate simple stress busting routines into all that you do!

Stretch those muscles!

Lean your right ear down to your right shoulder and stretch the left side of your neck as you do. Now, switch sides and do the other side. Now, look down and drop your chin towards your chest. Now slowly, let your head roll to the right and then to the left. Repeat slowly until you feel yourself loosen up.

You can do this same exercise for your shoulders, too. Try a few shoulder circles, as well. This is simple to do and when you take the time to do these several times a day, your range of motion will increase and you'll feel considerably more relaxed.

Enjoy a relaxing massage

Treat yourself to a professional therapist massage and be sure to ask for a calming essential oil such as lavender or chamomile. Buy yourself some of the same oil to take home, and when you're having a stressful moment, put a few drops of oil onto your tissue or pillowcase and then just breathe into it deeply. You can also use some of the oil to be infused into the air with a diffuser. Just smelling the oil will relax you even if you don't get to have a massage!

Wear a Smile

Always begin your day with a broad smile on your face. Purpose in your heart to be lighthearted on this day and every time you see someone pass them a big, sincere smile. You will be surprised how easily this action will affect your mood.

Share in a good joke or two and try to make someone else laugh. Feeling lighthearted is a good thing! Just ask Martha Stewart!

That Small Inner Voice -- Talk to yourself

Gently close your eyes and repeat positive affirmations. Tell yourself over and over what you want to believe to be true, such as: 'I am calm' or 'I am confident and sure?' Keep in mind that what you believe to be true will be felt by your body!

In Support of Good Posture

Take in a few, good deep breaths as you sit up very tall. Put your feet flat on the floor. At the same time angle your thighs slightly toward the floor, arch in your lower back slightly, gently push your sternum (chest bone) back and then relax your shoulders.

Take in another good deep breath and hold your position for a minute or two. Don't allow your posture to slouch at all during this time - hold your position upright and support your good posture.

As your good posture continues to align, you will relieve all muscle tension. Do this exercise twice daily and you will find yourself naturally supporting your good posture each day.

Have Some Fresh Air and Take a Brisk Walk

If you must be indoors most of your day, taking a break to breathe in pure air and to exercise your limbs will be an instant refresher. Doing this will give you back good concentration and you will feel more limber.

Spend only 20 to 30 minutes each day taking in fresh air and walking and you will improve both physically and mentally. If you have a dog, take them along with you. They need to be refreshed just as you do.

Take up a Relaxing Hobby

Spend an afternoon at your local craft store and select a new hobby. A good hobby that really interests you will breathe new life into your day. You will be more relaxed and enjoy having a new interest. Whether you choose painting, playing an instrument, knitting, or even kite flying, choose something that will encourage calm and serenity.

Try a Relaxing Form of Eastern Meditation such as Tai Chi

Take time to focus from within and you will cultivate a spirit of self control over the anxiety-ridden external world.

Take a good book to bed with you each night and spend 30 minutes relaxing before you turn out the light. This will be calming and as you close yours eyes each night remind yourself of your many blessings.

Give Lots of Hugs and Kisses Daily

Even on your busiest days, stop and hug and kiss someone who is special to you. Your children, especially, need to know how much they mean to you. A show of affection will go a long way.

Spend time each day with a beloved pet. Studies have shown that when we care for a pet we release anxiety and tension, naturally.

Spend quality time with your loved one. Remember those special times with your spouse before the children came along. Nurture moments with just the two of you and you will relax, naturally

Replace that Uncomfortable Office Chair with an Ab Ball

Next time you leave for your office, stop, first into a fitness store and buy an Ab Ball. This ball will allow your core muscles to have a great wake up call. Just sit on your Ab Ball and then bounce on the spot! You will feel instantly refreshed and your co-workers will want to do the same!

Just as it is time to take your lunch, first bounce on your Ab Ball to get your gastro-juices going! You will firm up your body in no time and best of all you will have fun!

Breathe in the Gift of Life

We can all go for weeks without a crumb of food, days at a time without water, but, we can only go for minutes without good, pure oxygen.

The average person breathes very shallowly and this makes it almost impossible to be relaxed.

Sit yourself down, purposefully, and take in a slow deep breath in through your nose until you have properly filled up your lungs.

Hold in the air in for a moment and then very slowly exhale through your lips. Breathe deeply in this way for 4 - 5 times, a few times a day.

You will feel instantly refreshed!

Listen to the Gift of Music

As much as possible, always set your mood with background mood music. Some like traditional blues, some like jazz. Try the newer nature sounds, so you can be working to background sounds of tin pans, flutes and ocean waves crashing on the beach. Whatever you choose, make sure it relaxes and does not energize you. There is a time to be energized and a time to relax. For relaxation, select the mood music over the rock and roll or the hip hop.

By Whozylee Aris

Fighting For Your Life

Recently the well known American news anchor Peter Jennings died of lung cancer, just a few months after he publicly announced that he had the disease and that he was going to fight it with everything he had.

After his death, I read some of the tributes that poured in about the life of Peter Jennings. One of the common themes that appeared in the statements made by his friends and colleagues was that they remembered what a determined, competitive man he was.

They said that he took on his battle with cancer head on, and that he fought his cancer the way he battled everything, with steely will and determination. And unfortunately he didn't win.

Reading about Peter Jennings' losing battle with lung cancer reminded me of another conversation about living with cancer that illustrated a very different approach to the disease. recently.

Last week I had a meeting with one of my business associates, a man named Brian, to discuss some business matters.

After our business meeting was finished, Brian started telling me about his mother's experience of living with cancer. A lot of what Brian had to say was very thought provoking to me.

Brian told me that his mother had been diagnosed with a bad type of bone cancer and doctors had told her that she had only a very short time to live. Yet in spite of the fact that her cancer kept spreading to other parts of her body, she managed to live fourteen years longer than what her doctors had originally predicted.

Brian said that he often wondered why his mother managed to live such a long time with cancer when many of his younger friends who got cancer died of it quite quickly.

Brian told me "I come from a sports and and athletic background, and so a lot of my friends are athletes. My athletic friends tend to be very focussed and competitive people, and they're used to being very aggressive. When they were diagnosed with cancer, I watched them go into their competitive and athletic mode, and they would say 'I'm going to fight this thing'.

They would fight their cancer the same way they fought their athletic battles, with gritted teeth and courage and determination.

Brian said, "What I noticed about these guys who were so tough and fought cancer so hard was that in a lot of cases they burned out really soon.

When my mother got cancer, Brian continued, "Her approach was kind of the opposite. She wanted to live, but she never said she was going to fight this cancer. One of the things I watched her do is that she decided to drop everything that was stressful from her life."

Shopping was stressful for her, so she dropped it. Driving a car was stressful so she stopped driving. In fact, she stopped doing everything she didn't want to do, and she only kept the things she really enjoyed.

And she made a point of becoming very relaxed and enjoying her life.

Then Brian told me, "This experience made me think that maybe the idea of fighting for your life when you have cancer is like trying to fight off insomnia."

"If you decide to fight insomnia by gritting your teeth and saying 'I'm tough, I've fought lots of battles successfully, I'm going to fight this insomnia and I'm going to beat this thing, well, you'll never fall asleep. It won't work."

Now I can't say that what seemed to work for Brian's mother in living with cancer is the miracle key for anyone else who has cancer. This wasn't a scientific study, and many other factors are involved.

But Brian's comments about his mother's approach to living with cancer, and his comments about trying to use will power to fight insomnia are worth keeping in mind when we are facing a problem. Not every problem can be solved with will power and determination.

In such fields as business and sports, an attitude of determination and competitiveness can be very useful, and can be highly rewarded. If we have been very successful in these fields by being high powered, determined and aggressive, we may try to use the same approach to tackle every problem. Aggressively and head-on. With grit and determination.

However, being aggressive and determined does not work on every kind of problem.

For example, if your mate is unhappy in your marriage, or your child has a serious illness, or if you have too much stress in your life, then using determination and aggression will not solve these problems. In these situations, aggressiveness does not work.

We need to recognize those situations where another approach might work better.

Sometimes what we need to do is relax more, let go of our illusion that we can control everything, become more humble, and be open to living in the moment even when we don't know all the answers.

By Royane Real

Using Exercise to Relieve Stress

Most people know of the importance of exercise as a means of weight loss, strength gains, and increased endurance, but exercise can play a major role in the reduction of stress. Along with just stress relief, exercise can help improve mental health, emotion and mood.

When you exercise, your body produces substances called endorphins. Endorphins are formed within the body to help relieve pain and induce a feeling of well-being and relaxation. Endorphins have a similar chemical structure to morphine. Release of these endorphins can make you fall asleep faster, and may help in the reduction of high blood pressure.

When a stressful situation arises, the body undergoes some 1500 biochemical reactions. This is referred to as the "fight or flight" response. In prehistoric times, stress may have come by means of the threat of being eaten by something very large! The chemical changes in the body produced that "pumped up", adrenaline rush feeling, preparing the body to fight the beast or run like heck! This was and is the means by which the built up byproducts of the chemical changes are released.

Although traffic on the way to work, or knowing the in-laws are coming next week, hardly compare to the possibility of becoming lunch, the body still goes through the chemical changes in response to the stress. If a "fight or flight" action is not taken, the byproducts continue to circulate and can cause illness. Exercise is a perfect way to expel the problem.

Changing the body's chemical composition is not the only way that exercise can help alleviate stress, however. Stress can be caused by the expression or repression of anger. Exercise offers a target in which one may direct their anger. Try hitting a racquetball, golf ball, or punching bag. Go to a gym and lift some weights. Often times, "getting it out" can make some of that anger go away.

Some forms of exercise have meditative similarities. Steady-state exercise (running long distances, swimming at a slow pace), may alter one's state of consciousness as the deep breathing patterns maintained over a long period of time are similar to the breathing techniques used in meditation. Some runners experience a "high" feeling during or after a run.

Exercise can also enhance one's feelings of self-esteem. By participating in bouts of exercise, one tends to feel better knowing they are doing something for their health. Setting and overcoming goals can be a great tool in enhancing self-esteem. And don't forget about improved body image. Perhaps the greatest self-esteem boost comes from fitting into a smaller size or seeing muscles where there once was flab!

During stressful times, muscles contract. During exercise, muscles do work, releasing stored energy and allowing the muscles to return back to their resting state. This also happens with massage.

Sometimes too little in one's life can be stressful. It is natural for humans to seek out stimulation and excitement. Exercise provides a social opportunity, which can be of some stress relief. Bored with your daily routine? Run with a friend; join in on a pick-up basketball or volleyball game. HAVE FUN!

BE CAREFUL!!

There are some times that exercise itself can be stressful. If you are a competitive person, you may not want to engage in competitive exercise or sports as a means of relieving stress. If you are playing or competing against someone, you may lose! If you are trying to beat a personal best, you may not succeed! Keep this in mind if stress relief is a goal.

When choosing your exercise, make sure that you pick something that you enjoy doing. If you don't like to run, DON'T RUN! Try different exercises; talk to a Fitness Specialist. Exercise is more than treadmills and weight machines. Find out what you like to do, and do it!

Wes Norris, CSCS is a Fitness Consultant and the owner of AllAroundFitness.org based out of Connecticut.

Wes works at Hartford Hospital and trains clients, athletes, and speaks to groups on the importance of exercise for a variety of specific conditions.

He runs a fitness bootcamp, teaches for a National Personal Training certifying agency and creates and produces fitness products for Trainers and Fitness Fanatics.

One Way to Beat Stress: Arrive Early!

I'm so excited that I have discovered this secret today. It's something that I promise will reduce the stress level in your lives. It's easy, convenient and all you have to do is plan: THE NIGHT BEFORE!

Today was the third day of school for my son Jeremy. Today we were among the very first people at school. Every single day, the kids line up in the parking lot at the school with their teachers. At 7:55am, the principal, Mrs. Katie Walsh, directs the students in The Lord's Prayer, and the Pledge of Allegiance. It's a wonderful tradition and unites the school every single day.

Today, because Jeremy was the first boy in his class to arrive, he got to be the line leader! Now, if you know anything about kindergarten, The LINE Leader is a VERY special thing to be. It's the first person in line. It's the leader. It's the HEAD HONCHO!! And today, Jeremy was the line leader! That made him feel special and I know this because he told the teacher that he was the FIRST person in the class to get there this morning. He was quite proud of that fact.

Yesterday though? A totally different story! Yesterday Jeremy and I were running across the parking lot to get there before the class went inside. We completely missed the prayer AND the Pledge and I was rushing him so much he started crying and nearly sat down in the middle of the parking lot. When we got there, I pretty much threw him in line, kissed him goodbye and both of us were nervous with adrenaline as we said goodbye. Whew! We JUST made it. The alternative was the go to the principals' office to sign him in. I just can't see me going to the PRINCIPAL'S office during the first week of school. Especially since I was NEVER sent to the Principal's office in my whole 12 years of school! (Yes, believe it or not.. I was one of the GOOD GIRLS!)

So I vowed last night to get to school early. Sway and I double checked all of our clocks with the world clock. We set them all on time and I set my wrist watch a bit fast. I made sure last night that his book bag was ready, his uniform was ironed and we all got to bed early. My clock went off 15 minutes earlier this morning and we didn't let Jeremy linger in bed this morning. We fed him, got his snack put together and got him dressed with time to spare.

Was it easy? OF COURSE not! We struggled like crazy to get him to get out of bed, to get him fed and to get dressed. But Sway and I worked together to get it done. Sure we had some crying fits and I think there were a few tense moments from all of our ends, but we did it and we got there early with a LOT of time to spare.

It was great! We got to sit in the car and talk about the day. We got to talk about what the day could be like if he had really good behavior. We talked about him meeting some new kids and introducing himself to others and being kind to others. We even got to call Jeremy's daddy and tell him how early we were.

When we got to the parking lot, I got to talk with Mrs. Dowell, his teacher and he got to share with her how he helped me yesterday when I sprained my ankle. She was delighted that he helped his mommy and showed the appropriate amount of pride.

Then Jeremy got to stand in line as the other boys lined up behind him. I got to socialize with the other mommies which is always fun. I got to kiss him goodbye as they walked away and he seemed fine today.

It was such a great day that I'm convinced that our habits can change. We can get to bed early EVERY night. We can prepare everything in advance and have a smooth morning and get to school early every day. It's worth striving for. I want my little boy to get in the habit of being early and enjoying the feelings that it brings.

I want to apply this tactic to every part of my life. To my coaching appointments, to church, or anywhere I must be on a regular basis. I like the feeling of being prepared instead of just arriving in a rush and trying to catch up with everyone else. I like not having the adrenaline rush and having to calm down. I learned this lesson years ago when arriving to the airport and I've never regretted getting there early. I've always been perfectly calm, cool and collected when I travel. Of course I learned the hard way and remember racing to the gate and being out of breath more than once.

So I know I can change my habits since I've done it before. And now, I'm instilling new habits in my son, and in my husband. I think it's going to make the school year easier. And somehow, I think it's going to make our life easier too.

So if you have that rushed feeling when you are driving around town or getting to meetings or appointments, try planning the night before. Get the whole family engaged in the new rule of thumb. It can change your whole outlook on school.

So try using this secret of planning to arrive early. It can change your life, your stress and your reputation!

Besides, it's a whole lot more fun. And isn't that a better way to live?

By Mary Gardner

7 Unique Stress Relievers

Too much driving, too much shopping, too much rushing around, running the kids around. Do family and work demands have you stressed out?

There are many ways to help you control stress. Here are some unique methods I've collected.

1. Yell! But---be sure you are alone. The best place is in the car with the windows up. Stuck in traffic? Try it.

2. Sing. This is close to the first one. Lots of people swear by the power of music to release tension and stress. Sing wherever you feel comfortable. It doesn't matter what. Just have some fun with it! I have done this on all jobs I've had. Then I started dancing. Why not! People thought I was crazy, but it works.

3. Do something soothing. Start or try a activity like knitting, crochet, pottery making. Don't worry about being good at it. It's the process that's beneficial. Sitting still while performing repetitive movements is calming and stabilizing for many people. It can be time to collect your thoughts.

4. Start a garden. Even apartment-dwellers can do this. Inside in pots, pots on the patio, pots, a small spot in your yard. There is a little work to setting it up. Tending plants, fruits, vegetables, flowers and watching them grow, bloom, or yield food is rewarding. Avid gardeners say working a garden is the best way

to control stress and worry. An added benefit is the creation of a more beautiful, restful environment.

5. Play with a dog or cat. Experts say Pet owners have longer lives and fewer stress symptoms than non-pet owners. Playing with your pet provides good vibrations. It's a form of social interaction with no pressure to meet anyone's expectations!

6. Gaze at the stars. Many times I have gazed up at the stars off my patio. Preferably in a still, dark, and quiet area, sit back and observe the heavens. The vastness of space is awesome. This way can make a lot of problems seem very small.

7. Discover how you can recognize too much stress before it explodes here: http://www.faceuptoit-youcan.com/sanpaku.html

If stress is not relieved it can be very dangerous to your health and can explode into violent behavior.

By Kathy Thompson

Dont Be a Worry Wort!

Everyone worries. As bothersome as it is, worry isn't all bad, and can actually work for you. Worry can give you a jolt of energy, spark your creative thinking, and help you to meet deadlines. The trick is to keep worry under control and these tips will help you do that.

1. Identify the source. Though it can take days, weeks, or even months, identifying the source of your worry is time well spent. You may feel anxious all the time, for example, constantly looking over your shoulder, and thinking something awful is about to happen. Once you'e identified these feelings as anticipatory grief you can do something about them.

2. See the big picture. Or as author Richard Carlson, PhD puts it, "Don't sweat the small stuff . . . and it's all small stuff." Carlson says we let ourselves get "worked up over things that, upon closer examination, aren't really that big a deal." Getting a flat tire on the way to work is nothing compared to chronic disease, famine, or terrorirm. Sometimes it's hard to see the big picture, so you may have to consciously de-clutter your mind to bring it into focus.

3. Catch the laughs. According to a University of Maryland Medical Center study, humor is good medicine. Michael Miller, MD, Director for the Center for Prventive Cardiology at the Center, says regular exercise and healthy eating can reduce the risk of heart disease, adding, "Perhaps regular, hearty laughter should be added to the list." Miller thinks we should incorporate laughter into our daily lives by reading funny stuff, watching funny videos, and not taking ourselves so seriously.

4. Start a solutions list. Keep your list on a computer or on a notepad. Every time you think of a solution jot it down. Maintain your list for a week and put it away for a few days. Then take it out, pick the best solution, and start working on it. The solution may not produce dramatic results, but you've taken a proactive step and are moving forward with life.

5. Take care of yourself. Poor eating hbits and lack of sleep can make worry worse. So eat a balanced diet and try to get eight hours of sleep a night. If you haven't had a physical exam in a while this may be the time to get one. And even though you're worried, make time for your friends and social activities.

6. Get moving. Mayo Clinic psychologist Kristen Vickers-Douglas, PhD, in an article on www.MayoClinic.com, says there's "substantial evidence that exercise can enhance mood." You don't have to run a marathon or lift weights to boost your spirits, a daily walk will do it. Others find spritual comfort in meditation.

7. Appreciate nauture. Life is more beautiful when you take the time to appreciate birds and flowers and trees. Recognizing this fact, five Wisconsin towns got together and crafted the "Leaf Your Worries Behind" tourism campign, a "relaxing autumn getaway in the Northwoods." No matter where you live, take the time to appreciate nature.

8. Watch fewer newscasts. In the era of 24-hour television newscasts the same stories are aired again and again. Often these newscasts contain horrific images, images that are stored in your mind. For peace of mind you may wish to watch one newscast and skip the rest.

9. Get help if you need it. According to "Treatment of Specific Anxiety-Based problems," a chapter posted on the Psychological Self-Help Website, chronic worriers fret for several hours a day. What a waste! If you're a chronic worrier you may want to take a stress management course or talk with a trained counselor.

10. Credit yourself. You've taken steps to keep worry under control and that's a huge accomplishment. Applaud yourslf, cheer, or dance around the kitchen. Instead of being a worry wort you're making worry work for you. Good job!

Harriet Hodgson has been a nonfiction writer for 27 years and is a member of the Association of Health Care Journalists. Her latest book, Smiling Through Your Tears: Anticipating Grief, written with Lois Krahn, MD, is available from http;//http://www.amazon.com

by Harriet Hodgson