Stress Management:: 4 Critical Distinctions

Stress Vs Pressure

Stress is something we all have, it's not going away, it's a sign we are alive. The question is in how you handle it. Pressure, on the other hand, is what we tell ourselves about the stress in our lives. It's a self-induced, inside job.

Have To Vs Get To

To understand what I am getting at here, just pay attention to how many times a day you catch yourself thinking or saying "I have to.........". If you are like most folks, you'll notice you say this more often than you realized. Have to implies resistance, obligation, drudgery, etc. It's simply a motivation reducer. Get to, on the other hand, brings with it excitement, desire, and perhaps even fun.

Privilege Vs Burden

I think it's human nature to turn some of our privileges into burdens. When we see events or tasks in our life as burdens, we get weighed down. Another sign of the burden view is feeling worn out and overwhelmed, all the time. When we view events and tasks in our life as privileges, we bring a much stronger attitude to our daily lives. When you view something you are doing as a privilege, you can then approach them with a sense of honor. That's a motivator.

Passion vs Dread

Think of a time you dreaded doing something? It's not a lot of fun, is it?. Now think about a time you were really passionate about doing something. Maybe even just excited about getting it done. Which did you like better?

Stress Management: Holding On Vs. Dropping It

One of the dumbest things I have ever done is grab a hot iron by the bottom.

We were rushing out of the house for a trip a few years back. The last time I had used it was hours ago that morning, and had left it on the ironing bourd in the bed room. I didn't know Lauren had used it just a moment before.

I've never dropped anything so fast before or since!

Most of you are probably a whole lot smarter than me and have never picked up a hot iron. At the same time, I bet everyone has had the experience of picking up something hot, getting burned, and dropping it right away.

Would it make any sense to keep holding something hot like that? Of course not.

That's why we drop them so quickly.

Then why do we hold on so tightly to hot emotional issues and allow them to keep burning us?

Yet we do it all the time. Something inconvenient, bad, or even traumatic occurs, and we hold on to it for dear life. I've worked with people who had experienced trauma and were doing fairly well not too long after. I've also worked with people who had experienced trauma years and years ago, yet it seemed as if it had just happened.

How to Hold On

Holding on to something that is burning us requires a lot of conscious attention, just like flunking gym class in school. Here's a few "tips" for holding on:

*Play the situation or offense over and over in your mind. Be sure to make a little "mental movie" for your own viewing pleasure.

*Make sure it's the first thing you think of in the morning and the last thing you think of at night.

*Tell everyone who will give you an ear the whole entire story, in play by play detail.

*Make it the defining moment in your life.

*Isolate yourself from other people

*Rant and rave about the injustice and unfairness of it all.

*Look at yourself as a victim.

How to Drop It

Just as holding on to something requires conscious attention, dropping something requires a conscious decision. Here's a few tips for dropping it:

*as stated above, decide to. You must decide to do it before any ot the other tips will work.

*take away from it what you can learn, leave behind anything else.

*find a symbol of the event and burn it, bury it, or both. I know this might sound a little silly, but it works.

*remember the saying "Success comes from good judgement. Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement."

*and perhaps the most important: make a place for it in your life, because it did happen. And then put it in it's place, which is behind you.

Hold on and get burned or drop it and move on. It's a choice.

And it's yours to make.

Stress Management: Have To Vs. Get To

File this one under the category of "watch your language."

The language we use when we are trying to change something simply amazes me. We say things like I can't - it's not fair - I'll never be able to do this - etc. And then we wonder why we are frustrated and don't feel so good.

One of the most limiting things we say to ourselves is "I have to." Our brains hear I have to and tend to automatically rebel.

Perhaps it's a holdover from childhood.

A much more useful way to talk to ourselves is to change our "I have to" into "I get to."

You might say that this is just semantics. I would answer by saying it's almost all semantics.

Here's why - "I have to" usually leads to little motivation, avoidance, and grudging obligation. On the other hand, "I get to" often leads to motivation, excitement and opportunity.

So let's practice turning your I have to's into I get to's.

I have to take out the trash. I get to contribute to and serve my family.

I have to get up in the morning. I get to spend another day above ground and see what I can make of it.

I have to go to work. I get to go do something I love and provide for my family.

I have to go to class. I get to have the privilege of getting an education.

I have to pick up my kids from practice. I get to spend time with my children. In the car, which is a captive audience where we don't have the pressure of just staring at each other. Maybe we will be able to talk.

I have to finish this project for the office. I get to contribute to something I believe in.

I have to go to the gym. I get to take care of my body and maybe even have some fun.

I have to finish this column and get it in on time. I get to have the privilege of helping (hopefully) more people.

These are just a few examples. Simply fill in the blanks with the ones from your own life which will be most helpful to you.

I invite you to practice watching your language this next week I think you will be surprised how often you use the phrase "I have to."

Have to vs get to is your choice.

Stress Management: 5 More Things to Clean Out of Your Mental Closet

Resentments

A wise friend once said that holding onto resentments is like trying to crush a sandspur between your fingers. You might eventually do it, but it sure is going to hurt you in the process.

Life tip: Forgive. Release yourself from the pain and focus on the future.

Procrastination

"I'll do it later" has to be the biggest con job we can run on ourselves. Procrastination fosters the belief in "someday," which never comes because it just isn't on the calendar.

Life tip: The next time you are tempted to procrastinate, simply put it off. Procrastinate about procrastinating. Do it now, procrastinate later.

Rationalizations

While excuses hold us back from doing the things we know we need to do, rationalizations sear our conscious to allow us to do the things we know we should not do.

Life tip: Another way to spell the word rationalize is "rational lies." Tell yourself the truth. There is no good rationalization for doing something you know is wrong.

Expediency

The desire to get things done quickly can be a good thing. But when expediency takes the place of effectiveness, watch out. This happens often with parents and kids. Sure we could do it quicker and better, but what are they learning?

Life tip: Don't sacrifice effectiveness for expediency. Slow down enough to do a job well or to show someone else how to do a job well.

If onlys

If onlys come wrapped in the package of regrets. I've worked with people whose entire lives were wrapped around one or two if onlys, as if focusing on if onlys could change anything.

Life tip: Take one good long hard last look at all of your if onlys. Lift out what you can learn from them to use in your future, the rest of your life. Then, taking these learnings with you, turn around and head into your future.

Stress Management: The Power of Expectancy

On a beautiful summer day years ago, I went water skiing with some new friends. I hadn't skied in a while, and as I floated in the water with long pieces of wood strapped to my feet, here's what I remember thinking:

"I wonder if I remember how to do this." "Will I be able to get up?" "How soon will I crash?"

The rope tightened and I got up like I'd been doing this for years, began to ski and sure enough, the next thing I knew - crash - face full of lake.

Here comes the point of the story - As I floated in the water, waiting for the boat and the rope to come back around, I realized that the only reason I had crashed was because I had expected to crash.

The Power of Expectancy

The power of expectancy shapes our lives. I've found that most of us have either a negative expectancy (things won't work out) or a positive expectancy (things usually work out). There doesn't seem to be a middle ground.

Expectancy controls what we focus on, and what we focus on usually comes about.

Eeyore Expectancy

I call people that always focus on the negative "Eeyores." For those of you who do not have kids or don't remember the story, Eeyore is a donkey in the Winnie the Pooh story that mopes around, head hung to the ground, moaning and groaning about life.

The Language

"It's just too good to be true"

"I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop" There are times when we are so sure that the other shoe is going to drop that we throw it down ourselves.

"If something bad can happen, it will, and it will happen to me."

The Outcome

The outcome of "eeyore expectancy" is usually fairly lousy. Even if good stuff does happen, it's easy to miss with your eyes dragging the ground. You get what you focus on.

Positive Expectancy

Here's what positive expectancy is not:

burying your head in the sand and saying "everything will be all right."

a glorified form of denial

a new term for "positive thinking"

I don't believe in "positive thinking", at least not in the way it's commonly portrayed. Example: while it's pouring rain, walking through the rain saying "It's not raining, it's not raining, it's not raining," will get you soaked!

Positive expectancy IS an attitude. It's an attitude that goes something like, "whatever happens, not only will we figure out a way to handle it, we'll also find a way to make it work for us."

Stress Managment: 5 Things to Clean Out of Your Mental Closet

Excuses

We all have them. It amazes me how creative I can be when I need a good excuse for something. In life we either have success, or we have excuses.

Life tip: For one week, pay attention to how often you create excuses for yourself. You'll be surprised by how many excuses you make and how often you make them. Then start to refute them. Ask your self "is this really true, or is it just convenient for me to believe?"

Limitations

Richard Bach offers us this great piece of wisdom about limitations - "Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours."

Other than gravity, mortality and a few others, most of our limitations are self-imposed. Now why would we want to do that?

Life tip: Whenever you notice that you are imposing a limitation on yourself, ask "what would I be able to do without this limitation?" Then start heading in that direction.

I can'ts

If you believe you can't, then you can't. If you believe you can, you just might make it.

Life tip: Don't focus on what you can't do; focus on what you can.

Entitlement:

Our culture has taught us that we deserve all good things just by showing up. That's just not the real world. We are promised only the pursuit of happiness, not happiness itself. It's up to us to have the guts and determination for the pursuit.

Life tip: If you want something, make very sure that you are doing all the necessary things to get there. No excuses allowed.

Clutter

This one will sound more like the typical spring-cleaning tip. I include it because clutter, excess stuff laying around, is a major source of stress and actually holds us back in life. We have to move around it and through it, and it stays in our minds on the list called "things I really ought to do someday but know I never will."

Life tip: If you have not used it in the past year, and it does not have intrinsic or sentimental value, give it away, sell it or throw it out.

Stress Management: How to Take Off Those Masks We Wear

The Mask of "I've Got It All Together"

It's so easy to put this mask on, and then forget you are wearing it. We want to look to the outside world as if everything is fine, we've got it all handled, no problems, thank you very much.

This one weighs alot, and is very heavy to carry around. Even worse, it makes it very hard to ask for help, which leads to the next mask.............

The Mask of "I Don't Need Anyone"

Simon and Garfunkel sang "I am a rock, I am an island." So American culture, and so wrong. While it's good to stand on your own two feet, pull yourself up by your own bootstraps, and all other applicable clichés, when taken to an extreme, it can be very isolating. While being independent is a worthy goal, we all need someone to lean on. The curious thing is, most people really like to help when asked.

The Mask of Perfectionism

Another very seductive mask because it makes us look so good. Too bad it's not only false, it's also not attainable. So many people strive for perfection as a way to feel good about themselves. A good move here is to trade in perfectionism for excellence, which is attainable, and a whole lot more fun.

The Mask of Busy-ness

Somehow, busy-ness has become associated with importance. If we are always busy, then we must be important. Unfortunately, busy-ness binds us to many things that might be good and worthwhile, while we miss the things that are the very best.

The Mask of Knowing It All

In the world of "difficult people", these folks are known as IEOE's, Instant Experts On Everything. This mask is typically accompanied by a burning desire to beat people over the head with their important knowledge. The really sad thing is these folks tend to be very unteachable, and therefore never actually learn anything.

The Mask of "Impression Management"

While similar to the I've Got It All Together mask, it differs in at least one important way. It's much more exhausting. It's hard to put down the worry about what everyone else thinks, and the need to control the impression you make on each and every person.

The goal of most masks is protection. In many cases it is not needed. Or if it was once needed, that time has passed. Taking off these masks involves risk. It's useful to begin by peeking out from behind the masks a little bit at a time, and then watch what happens. Most folks find that it's much safer out there than they thought, and it's a whole lot easier than lugging around all those heavy masks.

Stress Management: Problem Land or Solution Land

In my experience, most of us spend a lot more time living in problem land, griping and complaining, than we do in solution land, working hard and enjoying solving problems.

It's almost become a national past time. Just check out a talk show or a self help book. Almost all the time and space is spent describing, giving examples, and complaining about the problem, with, if we're lucky, only a glimpse at possible solutions.

Drives me nuts.

Having said all that, let's look at some signs and symptoms of problem land and some signs and solutions for solution land.

How to Live in Problem Land

Complain. A lot. Raise it to an art form.

When something goes wrong, immediately look for someone to blame.

A cousin to the one above, when something goes wrong, take no responsibility for changing things.

Keep a working list of all offenses ever done to you, and bring them up when anything bad happens.

Spend 95% of your time focusing on and complaining about the problem, and only 5% on working toward a solution. This my biggest gripe with most self-help books.

Make lots of disempowering, self-defeating statements, such as: "This isn't fair." "This shouldn't be happening" "This isn't my fault"

Follow this up with disempowering, self-defeating questions, such as: "Why is the world out to get me?" "Why doesn't God like me?"

Or as Rabbit says in Winnie the Pooh, "Why does this always happen to me? Why, oh why, oh why?"

All of above factors keep your focus on the problem instead of the solution. At best, you may be able to get someone to feel sorry for you, and at worst, you stay stuck in the problem.

How to Live in Solution Land

Number one rule. When problems arise (and they will), look for solutions. In the movie "Rising Sun", actor Sean Connery has this great line, "In America, when something goes wrong, we look for someone to blame. In Japan, when something goes wrong, they look for solutions."

Consider this quote from Richard Bach, author of "Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah.": "There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in it's hands. We seek problems because we need their gifts."

Ask questions that lead to action, such as: "How can I make this work for me?" "What might be the gift for me in this problem?"

Spend no more that 5% of your time and energy complaining about the problem, and 95% of your time and energy creatively solving the problem.

Consider these solutions oriented questions from motivational expert Tony Robbins:

What's not perfect yet?

What's good about this problem? If you can't think of anything good, ask "If there was something good about this, what would it be?" What am I willing to do to solve this problem?

What am I willing to no longer do to solve this problem?

What actions can I take that will help me solve this problem and enjoy the process?

"There is a time in the life of every problem when it is big enough to notice and small enough to solve quickly." Attack problems early and head on, before they have a chance to grow.

I'll close with a fantastic quote from W. Mitchell, one to live by: "It's not what happens to us in life that makes the difference. It's what we do about it." In other words, we have the power of choice. Problem land or solution land, which will it be for you?

Stress Management: 4 Steps to Massive Stress Relief by Having Fun

Over the years I've collected scores of comics and cartoons about marriage, families, stress and change. There is just something about a good comic strip that can many times explain something much better than I can.

One of my all time favorite strips in the "Family Circus" - and not just because the little boy's name is Jeff. It's also because it realistically captures many of the struggles of day to day living.

A few years back, I cut out a Family Circus that had just two scenes in it.

The first scene shows the two parents, huddled attentively in front of the TV, watching an older and obviously learned gentleman lecturing on The Fundamentals of Having Fun, if you can believe such a title.

The second scene simply shows the kids out in the yard - running, playing, swinging, playing chase, and basically Having Fun!

Now, can someone please explain to me how it is that we go from being kids who naturally know how to have fun to being adults that have to watch a TV program in order to learn how to have fun?

Exactly what has happened to us?

What I notice with more and more frequency, both in my practice and in my seminars, is that many "grown-ups" have somehow forgotten how to do at least two very important things in life: how to rest and how to have fun.

We'll save how to rest for another time. Today we will tackle a very simple exercise on how to have fun.

Four Simple Steps to Remembering How to Have Fun

Step 1 - Write down 5 -10 things that you like to do for fun. They can be small, just a few minute things or larger more time consuming activities, and everything in between. If you can't think of at least five things you like to do for fun, call me, we need to talk.............

Step 2 - Looking at your list, do the following:

put a "D" next to each thing you have done in the last day/24 hours

put a "W" next to each thing you have done in the last week

put an "M" next to each thing you have done in the last month

put a 6 next to each thing you have done in the last 6 months, and finally

put a 1 next to each thing you have done in the last year

Step 3 - Review your list. If you find you have lots of D's and W's, good for you! If you are like most folks however, you will find you have many more 1's, 6's and M's than you might have expected. That's the purpose of this little check-up, to give you a bit of a wake up call. Now on to step four and what you can do about this............

Step 4 - Choose just one activity from your list that you can commit to doing in the next week. Make the decision to do this activity NO MATTER WHAT!

We tend to make things so difficult, when really this can be quite simple.

Then the next week, choose something else from your list and do that one. And so on and so on. In this way, you get 100% improvement each week.

Not bad, huh?

Now if you really want to be radical, you could do one thing from your list everyday.

But that might be too much fun..................

Stress Management: How to Change Limiting Beliefs

Mark Twain once said, "It's not what we don't know that hurts us. It's what we know that isn't so."

At this point, you might be saying, "Wait a minute, if I believe I know something, doesn't that make it so?"

Well, yes and no. (That's a classic therapist answer, by the way.) The yes part is that in many ways, if we believe something, that can make it so for us. Henry Ford said, "Whether you believe you can or you believe you can't, you're right."

The no part is this - what if what you believe isn't accurate, is no longer true, or just isn't so?

I realize this might be a lot to think about with your morning coffee, but consider this - a belief is merely a feeling of certainty about something. Some beliefs enhance and expand our lives, such as "if it's possible in the world, it's possible for me."Other beliefs tend to limit and inhibit our lives. It's been my experience that we carry around many more limiting beliefs than we do enhancing beliefs.

Most, if not all, of our limiting beliefs can be divided into three categories; I am......, people are......., and the world is......."

I am.........People are..........

These limiting beliefs include our prejudices and influence how we see other people. Some of the most common are -

That's a man's/woman's job

Any kind of prejudice

People can't be trusted

Everyone is out for themselves

Nice guys finish last

People are too busy to care

The World Is..........

These limiting beliefs influence how we see the world and our position in it. Some of the most common are -

It's a dog-eat-dog world.

The world is a ghetto (oops, that's George Benson, just to jazz things up a little)

Society owes me a living.

The world is falling apart.

Do you recognize yourself in any of these limiting beliefs? Can you think of other beliefs that have limited you in the past or are limiting you now?

My purpose here is twofold. First, to get you to identify and begin to consider how certain beliefs have limited you. Second, to give you some tools for changing limiting beliefs into beliefs that can support and enhance your life.

Have you ever noticed that when you buy something new, such as a car, you begin to see that car everywhere? They were there before, it's just that now your focus has changed. It's the same way with limiting beliefs. They point our focus in a certain direction, and we can always find evidence to support them.

But other than getting to be "right", what good does it do? Our limiting beliefs continue to hold us back.

Here are three ways that you can begin to change limiting beliefs-

1) Begin to question them. Ask yourself, "Is this really true?" Would a camera, taking a picture, be able to support this belief?

2) Counter the belief. Sometimes, just saying and considering the opposite is enough to change the belief. For example, change "I'm too old" into "I'm just the right age to do what I want to do."

3) Redirect your brain. For example, ask yourself "In how many ways can I be happy now, have people care about me, has the world worked?" All of these are counters to the limiting beliefs listed above.

Our beliefs can either limit or enhance our lives. With the proper tools, the choice is then up to us. What will it be for you?

Stress Management: Are You a Diamond or a Lump of Coal?

"Do you want to be a lump of coal or do you want to be a diamond?" That's the first question I ask to begin my stress management seminar called "A Diamond is Nothing More Than a Lump of Coal That Handled Stress Very Well."

We seem to have some interesting misconceptions about the stress in our lives. The most common is that stress is something to be avoided at all costs, and true happiness comes from being totally stress free.

That's just not true in the real world. If you don't believe me, check out the results of a study conducted into the effects of stress on performance. In the study, subjects were instructed to watch trains pass at a crossing and to write down a five digit number on the side of the train. At first the trains came by slowly, then continued to speed up until the numbers were just a blur going by. The researchers then counted the number of errors in copying down the numbers on the train. Here's the results - when the trains were going very fast, there were many errors, as might be expected. The interesting thing is that there were just as many errors when the trains were going by slowly. The best scores were when the trains were going by at a moderately rapid rate.

One of the lessons for us in this study is that a certain amount of stress, managed properly, not only does not harm us, it's necessary for optimum performance.

Back to the question with which I started this column - "Do you want to be a lump of coal or a diamond?" There are questions, beliefs and actions that go along with being a lump of coal, and there are questions, beliefs and actions that go along with being a diamond. Let's take a closer look at each of these categories.

Lump of Coal Questions and Beliefs

Why does this always happen to me? A good victim question that takes away all your power to do anything about the situation. This shouldn't be happening, it's not fair! Another victim belief. Same result - no power or strength fo change. If it's stressful, I shouldn't do it. Then you may not do much, because stress is an indication that you are still alive.

Lump of Coal Actions

Giving up. The worst thing we can do when dealing with stress. An old quote helps us understand why we do this - "when you're up to our posterior in alligators, it's difficult to remember your original intention was to drain the swamp!"

Taking it out on others. Stress seems to roll down hill onto the other people around us.

Becoming "stressed out". Becoming stressed out freezes our creativity and sense of humor, and leaves us stuck.

Diamond Questions and Beliefs

How can I make this work for me? Another old quote applies here - "when life hands you lemons, the only winning choice is to make lemonade." While that my sound too nice and easy, think about it for a moment. Simply asking the question "how can I make this work for me?" opens up our mind to the possibilities and creative choices available to us.

I can handle it. When it comes to handling stress like a diamond, this "the phrase of champions." An even better phrase is "in how many ways can I handle it and enjoy the process."

Diamond Actions

Living a life of fulfillment and purpose. Managing stress well allows you to live a life well lived.

Confronting stress head on. Seeing stress as a challenge allows us to be proactive and creative in designing a "diamond life."

Making stress work for you. The number one way to make stress work for you is to take action. Taking action allows you to sharpen your skills and become a diamond. Now, just to be clear - am I saying that stress is always good for you? Of course not. There are certain types of stress as well as certain times in our lives when the healthiest thing to do is remove ourselves from the source of stress.

Am I saying that there are ways to handle the stress in our lives that can make it work for us, that allow us to thrive instead of just survive? You bet I am!

A lump of coal or a diamond. Which will it be for you?

Workaholism: 4 Universal Laws for Recovery

The Rule of Balance

There is more to life than work. There are so many other areas of our lives than just work. Spend some time each day and/or week focused on all the other areas of your life. Repeat after me, there is more to life than work.

The Rule of 10

This one is a bit controversial, but I've come to believe it through my own experience. The rule of ten states that if it can't be done in ten hours in a day, it shouldn't be done. Occasionally putting in over time or having crunch times is fine, it just doesn't need to become a way of life. Anything more robs you of your presence in all the other areas of your life.

The Rule of Recovery

After a particularly stressful period at work, it's vital for good health to have an equally enjoyable recovery time.

The Rule of Rest

Remember rest?

I have a friend who likes to say "I'll rest when I die." My fear is his rest will be too soon and too long. If we don't give our body and mind the rest they need, our bodies and minds will find a way to get the rest they need.

Now go use this stuff!

Stress Management: Are You a Workaholic - Humorous View

As we celebrate yet another Labor Day, I thought it might be useful to take a look at the place of work in our lives.

For some of us, work is a means to an end, for others it's a joy, and for still others it's like an addiction.

Addiction to work is called workaholism. One of the many interesting things about workaholism is that it is the most socially accepted addiction. We tend to give praise in our society to those that work too hard without considering the many costs involved.

Humor has a way of cutting through our defenses. So I thought I might take a humorous look at a serious subject as a way of getting through to you.

So with a nod to comedian Jeff Foxworthy, here's a tongue-in-cheek look at workaholism called "You might be a workaholic if....":

If your answering machine says, 'the kids are in bed and dinner is in the fridge', you might be a workaholic.

If your children call 911 when you come home before dark, you might be a workaholic.

If your business cellular phone bill is larger than your house payment, you might be a workaholic.

If Thanksgiving dinner is the last meal you ate with your family, you might be a workaholic.

If your receptionist or secretary talks to your spouse more than you do, you might be a workaholic.

Stress Management: An Owners Manual for Your Brain

Here's an amazing quote from Time magazine:

"At birth a baby's brain contains 100 billion neurons, roughly as many nerve cells as there are stars in the Milky Way."

My first thought was after reading this was "Wow, we get all that power and hardware with no owner's manual or instruction booklet!"

Having just recently purchased a new computer, I've been pouring through owner's manuals and instruction booklets, trying to understand a tenth of what this machine can do. Just imagine what we could do if we understood a tenth of what our brains could do.

Now, I certainly won't presume to be able to offer an owner's manual, but I can offer a few suggestions for what and what not to put into our brains.

The power of the thoughts we think and the words we use is grossly underestimated. You've probably heard someone say, usually while losing an argument or debate, "Well, that's just semantics."

One of the things I've learned when it comes to managing our brains is that it is all semantics. This is because our brain is simply a computer that takes in what we give it, whether it is useful for us or not.

For example, there are several words that I call garbage words. A garbage word is a word that if you allow your brain to use it on a regular basis, you will get garbage thinking. Garbage thinking leads to garbage feelings and garbage actions, all of which can keep us from living the kind of life that we want to have.

Let's look at a few of the more common garbage words or phrases, and what kind of words to use instead.

I Have To - There are very few things in life we have to do. There are very many things in life we choose to do. Constantly saying "I have to" diminishes our power of choice. Replacing "I have to" with "I choose to" or "I get to" allows us to choose and bypasses the brains natural resistance to force.

Try- This is one of the most powerful garbage words in common usage. For example, try and pick up the newspaper from which you are reading this column. You either picked it up or you didn't. Those are the only two outcomes. In the words of Star War's Yoga - "Do or do not. There is no try."

Hard - This garbage word convinces our brain not to do something. It's an excuse for fear and/or laziness. Rocks are hard, and so are some people's heads. Saying something is hard does not make it any easier to accomplish. Some things are difficult, however. Difficult things are very doable, they just require constant attention.

I Can't - This one usually means I won't or I choose not to. A good counter is "if I could, what would I do?" Lose Weight - I love this one. Consider how many times you or someone you know has said they want to lose weight. Now consider what the brain hears. What have we conditioned our brains to do when we lose something? That's right - to find it and get it back. Instead of losing weight, we want to get rid of weight.

Yes, but.... - Another commonly used garbage phrase. Sometimes cleverly disguised as simply "but," with something good in front of it. As in "I'd really like to, but........" Our brain automatically disregards everything that came before the "but." Another way of saying this is when you hear the word but, disregard everything that came before it, because here comes the truth.

Instead of saying but, use the word "and." As in "you did a good job with this, and you could also do that."

"Now wait just a minute!," you might be saying. "Isn't this just a form a positive thinking?" Not really. While positive thinking can be good, it's not enough all by itself. If you are walking in the rain during a thunderstorm, saying "It's not raining, it's not raining," you are still going to get wet. This is about using words to properly operate your brain.

Here's a suggestion. Try doing, oops, I mean do, each one of these for a week. At the end of each week, you will have eliminated one garbage word from your brain, which is 100% improvement. Not bad for a little bit of time and effort, wouldn't you say?

Stress Management and Mastery: Breakdown or Breakthrough?

Q: "My career, though very very stressful, is one that I thoroughly enjoy and do not want to change. Because I'm under so much stress, my counselor has recommended that I eliminate all stress from my life. This doesn't seem to make sense to me, especially since I like what I do so much. Should I quit my job, or is there something else I can do?"

I think your counselor is wrong. I'm sure they mean well, they just don't understand some key distinctions about stress.

The reason for that rather bold statement is that unless you are in imminent danger of a heart attack, stroke or some other equally severe catastrophe, there is no reason to eliminate all the stress from your life. The only people I know who are completely stress free can be found a few blocks down the street from my office - in the cemetery!

Not only is it not really possible to eliminate all the stress from your life, it's not very healthy as well.

What!?! are you saying stress can be healthy?!

Well, in a word, yes.

Before you think I'm completely nuts, consider what some scientists have found. Who knows where they get these ideas, but apparently some researchers found a way for a butterfly to get out of a cocoon without having to struggle. Here's the interesting part for our approach to stress. As they further studied the butterflies, they found that the ones that did not have to struggle out of their cocoons were not as healthy, not as brightly colored, and did not live as long as the butterflies that had to go through some struggles.

The meaning for us is clear: the right amount of struggle and stress can be a good thing.

When it comes to successfully dealing with stress and struggle, you can have only one of two results: a breakdown or a breakthrough. Let's take a closer look at each of these two options.

How to Have a Breakdown

Obsess on the stress in your life. Think about nothing else.

Even though you are the only invited guest, have a continuing "pity party."

Talk constantly about the stress you feel, especially to those that agree completely with you.

Get little or no exercise. After all, with all this stress, you just don't have time.

Ask lousy questions, such as "Why does this always happen to me?", "Why don't other people have as much stress as me?", etc. etc.

Take a "dead roach approach." You know, flat on your back, just letting the stress happen to you.

Follow these directions: Say to yourself "I have to do this, I have to do this, I have to do this." Rinse. Repeat.

Cut down on your sleep and rest. Remember, you just don't have time.

Focus on everything that is wrong in your life.

Put off all enjoyment until the stress has passed. Remember, you don't have time.

Pray that life gets easier.

Isolate yourself. Believe you have to do it all your self.

Carry the burden alone.

Believe you have absolutely no choice in the matter.

Stress Management: Are You a Worrier or a Warrior?

Do you attack problems and solve them or do you whine and moan about how it's just not fair?

Do you anticipate and plan for the future or do you worry about what's around the next corner?

When life hands you a lemon, do you make lemonade or do you complain about the size of the lemon?

Do you see the glass as half empty, half full, or perhaps just not big enough?

Let's look at a few ways to be a worrier, and see if you recognize any thing in your self. Then we'll look at how to be a warrior.

How to Be a Worrier

We all worry. It's a part of life. It's what we do with our worries that make the difference.

In order to be a championship worrier however, you need to adopt a few of the following traits:

Worry. A lot. Raise it to an art form. Believe it makes a difference.

Anticipate the worst in every situation, then drag your mind and emotions into the future as if it's really happening right now.

Really, honestly believe that worrying enough can actually change something.

Do nothing about your worries. Take no action at all.

Make your ongoing question in life "what if.....?", and then make no plans for what if.

Your motto is "survive the day."

You worry that you don't know enough about something and are afraid to learn.

You spend 95% of your time worrying about a problem and a mere 5% on solving it.

How to Be a Warrior

Before I give you a few traits of a warrior, it might be useful to explain what I mean by the term warrior. What I don't mean is someone who picks fights, enjoys hurting people, or walks around with a sword and shield.

What I do mean is someone who takes on life as a challenge and lives to get the very most out of each day, for themselves and those they care about.

Here's a few traits of a warrior:

When you have a fear, you face it. It's the quickest way to make it go away.

Your motto is "seize the day."

If you don't know, you ask!

You spend 95% of your time, energy and resources solving a problem, and no more than 5% of your time worrying about the problem.

You know that the sure-fire cure for worry is ACTION.

You know how to think and problem solve in creative ways, called "thinking outside the box" in the business world.

You have an almost insatiable curiosity about the world.

You have the unique ability to look at something that has always been there, and see something that no one else has seen before.

You have what Stu Weber in his book "Tender Warrior" calls a "provisionary heart." This is the ability to look at the future, anticipating patterns and trends, and then not only prepare to survive but thrive as well.

If you find your self identifying with the traits of the worrier more than the traits of the warrior, here's two things you can do about it:

1) stop worrying about it, and then

2) practice and adopt the traits of the warrior. Try them on and see what you can do with each of them.

This is a situation where change is quite possible. It just takes a decision and then some practice.

Stress Management: Workaholism is a Thief

Let's take a look at some of the more serious signs and effects of workaholism.

Workaholism is a thief. Here are a few of the things that workaholism can rob from us.

Workaholism steals your mind

You can rarely think about anything else or concentrate on something else beside work. The focus of your mind is on problems and issues at work. You may be good at problem solving on the job, while problems in the rest of your life are ignored and continue to mount.

A clear sign of work stealing your mind is something I call "Sunday Night Syndrome", which is becoming anxious about and dreading work before the weekend is even over.

Workaholism steals your presence

Work keeps you away from those you love and those who love you. You are usually not there and miss out on important events, whether it's as simple as dinner or as big as a birthday party.

Consider these line from the song "Cats in the Cradle" by singer-song writer Harry Chapin: "A child arrived just the other day. He came to the world in the usual way. But there were planes to catch and bills to pay. He learned to walk while I was away." If this sound painfully familiar, you might be a workaholic.

Even when you are at home, you are only present physically. Your mind and heart are at work.

Workaholism steals your identity

The definition of who you are is completely organized around your job. As a result, so is your self esteem, self confidence, etc.

You are what you do.

Workaholism steals your significance

Your meaning in life comes only from your job. This blocks any connection to family, friend, faith, or anything else greater than yourself.

Workaholism steals your health

Stress induced illnesses, ulcers, headaches, heart attacks, panic attacks. Sounds like a nice menu from which to choose, doesn't it?

Workaholism steals your priorities

While you may say something different, your choices and actions say that work is the most important thing in your life. Your gravestone will read "He/she was a great worker" not "He/she was a great dad/mom and husband/mom and friend." Workaholism steals your energy

Most if not all energy is spent at work. All the other people and important areas of our life get only the crumbs.

Stress Management: How to Avoid the Ruts and Holes of Life

Have you ever noticed how we keep falling into the same holes and ruts in life? We know something doesn't work and yet we keep doing the same things over and over again.

Have you ever wondered why we do this? And more importantly, how do we stop doing it, how do we stop "digging"? And how do we get out?

As I've studied and searched over the years for ways to help people get the changes they want, quickly, gently and effectively, I've stumbled across a poem that seems to capture well the process of change.

It's called "An Autobiography in Five Short Chapters." I wish I knew who the author is, I want to thank the person. Let's look at each of these chapters, and what they have to teach us about the process of change.

Chapter One - "I walk down the road. There's a big a hole in the road. I don't see it. I fall in. It's not my fault. It's dark and scary. It takes me a long time to get out."

We've all had the experience of winding up in a hole and wondering how we got there. It seems like we were minding our own business, and all of a sudden we wind up in a situation we never intended. Or as Jimmy Buffet once sang, "......trying to figure out how I ever got here."

Chapter Two - "I walk down the road. There's a big a hole in the road. I don't see it. I fall in. It's not my fault. It's dark and scary. It takes me less time to get out."

Here we go again. If the first time came as a surprise, this is getting to be a habit, or a pattern.

Denial and blame tend to show up at this point in the game. Denial says "what do you mean, what's my part?" Blame says "someone else did this to me, and just wait until I find them!"

At this point we are still digging the hole, and are just not aware of it yet. This is where the rut begins. It's important to remember that "the only difference between a rut and a grave are the dimensions."

Chapter Three - "I walk down the road. There's a big a hole in the road. I see it. I fall in anyway. Maybe I've got something to do with this. It's dark and scary. I get out."

Don'tcha just hate it when you know better, you even know you know better, and yet you wind up in the same place again.

Here's when change can begin to occur, because we begin to see our part in the problem. Good questions to ask are -

What's my part in this? What am I willing to do to change this? What am I willing to stop doing to change this?

It's also important to remember my favorite definition of stuck is "when we keep doing the same things over and over again and expect different results."

Chapter 4 - "I walk down the road. There's a big a hole in the road. I see it. I walk around it."

Good job! You're starting to pay attention, and make progress. Here's the not so good news. It's not enough. "What do you mean, it's not enough? Didn't I stay away from the hole?"

Yes, you did. And while that's good, in the words of southern rock group Molly Hatchet, your "flirtin' with disaster."

"Why is that?"

Because you are still on the same road, and human nature has a curious feature. We tend to forget how bad things were, and we can fall into the trap of checking out the hole "just one more time", just to make sure it was really that bad. Like an alcoholic in a bar or a dieter at an all you can eat buffet, you are flirting with disaster.

Chapter Five - "I walk down a different road."

While chapters one through four do involve some amount of change, it's still not real change. There's lots of movement and things may even look different, but it's still "change without change."

The real change, that is transformation, can go something like this four step process -

1 - you do the same thing again and then realize it afterwards

2 - you do the same thing again and realize it while you are doing it

3 - you realize you are about to do the same thing before you do it, and do something different

4 - you automatically do something different

The beauty of "walking down a different road" is that transformation has taken place. Not only do you no longer fall in the old holes, you find that you don't even want to. They no longer hold any interest or attraction for you.

Sshhh... Listen to Your Own Voice

It was a self-exploration that made me understand myself. It was like discovering the one last elusive word in a jigsaw puzzle that completes other words.

I had to interview Father Francis Chittilappilly, Executive Director of BOSCO - an organization in Gandhi Nagar in Bangalore that provides succor to street children. I thought I would get it over with in an hour and then attend to the endless list of to-do that I keep in my handbag.

As I waited for Father, I watched the children in tattered clothes, picked up from the city railway station. These destitute children, who had run away from home, were generally rag-pickers. Their irrepressible enthusiasm and energy despite what life had doled out to them was remarkable. My mood, heavy with the incidents of the past few days, lifted considerably.

Father Francis came after a while, apologized and ushered me in to his office. He started telling me about what his organization was doing for the unfortunate children forsaken by the society. As he narrated several stories one-by-one, his eyes would soften; sometimes light up, only to be clouded by thoughts of the enormity and intractability of the problem.

I saw his assistants talk to the children, get their whereabouts, understand their grievances and advise them accordingly. In some cases the children refused to divulge any information, lest they sent them back to their families they had run away from. In such cases, father would call them in, talk tactfully and win their confidence. There were difficult situations when he had to play confidence-trick, as some of the hardened teenagers would smoothly fib their way through.

Father related to me the case of a 'hyperactive' girl, suffering from malfunctioning of thyroid glands, who had strayed away from her parents while travelling. She could not comprehend any question put to her. Father had to intervene; he made her draw, which in itself was no mean achievement, considering she could not be pinned down in a place. He had immense patience and with his power of persuasion he could extricate bits of unrelated information about her family, which he later pieced together. He later rang up her parents who promptly picked her up.

Father was a trained counselor. Our discussions increasingly revolved round ethics, sensitivity, savoir-faire? and I was drawing parallels in my mind about my own experiences. Before long I started telling him about my problems. He could see I was distressed; he gently made me probe into myself with 'why do you think so' or 'can it be'. He offered no reasoning, no answers: just his ears, his smile, his love. I was pouring out my childhood and adolescent experiences, dilemmas and questions, analyzing rationales, motives and hidden agenda.

I finally stopped. I was calm.

It was catharsis. I had found all the answers I needed to.

Often we are the problems and we are the solutions too.

It just needs someone who can listen patiently to make us heed to our own inner voice of reason.

By Uma Shankari

Dynamic Guide - How to Recharge Your Mind With A Refreshing Recreational Activity!

Let's face it! The majority of our time is either spent sleeping or working. The demands of our employers and our workspace means that we are all highly stressed. We face one hundred and one problems that demand our fullest attention during the day at our workplace and when we return home, we face domestic difficulties that need urgent resolution.

As a result, we keep on postponing a much needed vacation. Our present problems need urgent resolution. We are up to our neck and to our nose with things that we need to work on, to solve, to look into.

So what are we going to do?

Perhaps, we have been so deeply engrossed in the matters at hand that we have forgotten that there are activities that we can indulge in, just for a short weekend, or a few hours that can refresh our minds and our bodies, so that we can be recharged, and get rid of the inbuilt stress to face another week, another month and another year.

Consider that we can just pack some necessary light tools and be away for a short hike to the country-side or the mountains nearby. A one day hike is always possible, and brings you back to nature, and close to the tranquility of the country or the hills or fields and meadows.

Or have you considered some fishing in that creek or that nearby lake? Feel the rush of the wind, the calmness of the environment and the thrill of that fight between man and fish as you reel in your catch! Bask in the glory and self satisfaction as you observe your bounty after a day of fishing and capture the moment with some photographs for sweet memories.

Or just getting onto a cruise down the river or lake on a boat is a good activity to let loose, and refresh from the cares and worries of the day. Water skiing is a good choice for you to really enjoy it all!

And if you are game for some real physical contact, you can join some physical sports that can allow for a good degree of running and physical exertion. Consider the sports of Lacrosse! It is said you are not in the game unless you are physically bruised!

Even in winter, there is no excuse! You can be away for some snow skiing- a change of environment, some time to relax and you will feel much refreshed when you return.

We are humans, we are not machines. Man is built with emotions, with feelings and with physical bodies that need to recharge, and to rebound back with vigor. Imagine, you can be hiking, water skiing, boating, fishing, snow skiing and in a game of lacrosse. All it needs it just some planning and a desire to *really* take action. Once you tried it out once, you will find how refreshing it is, and you will want to do it again!

By Peter Lim

Stress Management: 3 Rules for Dealing with Difficult People

Seems like more and more they are all around us. You know who I'm talking about - all those difficult people who seem to cross our path everyday.

Whether we associate with them, work with them, or, even worse, live with them, they can drain the life out of your day if you let them.

3 Rules for dealing with difficult people

Rule 1 - You cannot, will not, and should not even try to change them. The only winnng move, if you can't avoid them altogether, is to change your responses to them. Remember the three things we are always responsible for, our attitudes, our choices and our actions.

Rule 2 - In order to successfully deal with difficult people, you have to play the "I can expect that" game. What is the "I can expect that" game? To play the this game, you have to expect difficult people act exactly like difficult people. The trap we fall into is that we expect everyone to play by the same nice rules (and/or our rules) and then are shocked, surprised and hurt when the difficult people show up and act the way they do.

Playing the "I can expect that" game with difficult people allows us to do at least three things:

we can anticipate and plan for their behavior we are not surprised by their behavior we can resond to their behavior, instead of reacting

Rule - You and I might be someone else's difficult person. Ouch, I know, not us right? At the same time, it's always good to check our own behavior too.

Reclaim Your Life - Extraordinary Self-Care Day

When was the last time you took a day just for yourself? If you're a small business owner or anyone else for that matter, you answer is probably never. I first learned the principal; of Extraordinary Self-care Day at a workshop given by my friend Terri Levine the author of Work Yourself Happy. Essentially an Extraordinary Self-care Day is taking one 24-hour period where you take care of yourself. You do no work at all. I know, I can hear your protest. I protested too when I first heard this idea "But you don't understand, I have to check my voicemail, I have to return phone calls, I have to answer my emails and on and on." I protested in my very best entrepreneurial voice. The truth is any of us can take a day for ourselves without consequence. Believe it or not, the world will keep spinning. Calls will wait as will email.

This is a day just for you. If you normally do the cooking on your Extraordinary Self-Care Day, you will refrain from making meals. Trust me your family will not starve. Obviously if there are small children or infants that depend on you, you would have to modify this. Overall try to do nothing that is related to your normal work. This is a pampering day just for you.

The first time I did this, I discovered just how my work relates to things that I do on any given day. Most of my reading was centered on business topics. Being an entrepreneur and self-employed, I was convinced I had to be working all the time. I was wrong. Kicking and screaming, I embarked on my Extraordinary Self-Care Day. I took a walk, read part of a novel, took a luxurious bath in our soaking tub (something I never used to do) and just hung out and took care of myself. What a concept!

It's been a year now and my Extraordinary Self-Care Day has become an integral part of my life. I not only feel better, and am having more fun, I have my life back. Doing this regularly has enabled me to put my work back into perspective. I no longer work seven days a week and I no longer do email throughout the day.

The interesting thing is that because of my taking this time to nurture myself, I'm actually more productive. Because I'm taking better care of myself I have more clarity and I'm able to better focus on the task on hand. Because I am taking better care of myself, I am more creative and productive. Most of all, because I am taking better care of myself, I feel better and have more happiness, after all isn't that what it's all about?

So your assignment, if you choose to accept it, is to schedule one 24-hour period, sometime within the next 10 days, when you can give yourself an Extraordinary Self-Care Day and then go and do it. Once you've done this, see how you might be able to do this weekly and when you feel really ready, schedule an Extraordinary Self-Care Day for what would have been a normal work day.

By Jim Donovan

Managing Stress From Another World

Modern stress is habitual, and is something that the vast majority of Americans and Britons succumb to in their material driven lives. Whether mildly or overwhelmingly, stress will cast its powers across most of us at some stage in our lives, often increasingly as we get sucked into a pattern of working and living that gradually strips us of our individuality.

Stress reduction has therefore become a "necessary" antidote industry. We may console ourselves by saying that our lives are fast paced; that this is what modern living is all about and we must pursue it frenetically; that people in those poor countries which have not adopted the Anglo-American way are just backward and will catch on eventually. But that is not just a consolation; it is both an illusion and a denial, and helps stress reduction in no way at all.

It is an illusion first of all that the average consumer has a fast paced life. A commuter may sit in a train twice a day, to and from their place of work; that train may move at a fast pace, but the commuter does not. They just sit there, their minds going over the same themes as always; last night's tv, tonight's tv, wishing they could have had another hour's sleep or wishing they were already home and tucked up for the night's slumber, or the day's boredom at work behind them or before them. Drowned in tedium and repetition, the vacuum left in their daily lives is gradually filled with stress, as if it had a supporting role in their existence.

A tiring and repetitious daily routine can be a breeding ground for discontent and unhappiness, the real reasons for modern stress. If that routine is full of creativity, and control over one's own actions, then it may not be a source of stress at all, or discontent. If, however, the individual is suppressed, then it can be a very different story. Most people are employees, whose lives are dictated by those above them and with no or little scope to think and do for themselves. They are particularly vulnerable to modern stress.

Caught up in the modern way of life, it is very easy to lose connection with yourself as an individual, for your individuality can be suppressed from all sides. I am sure I am not alone in having experienced that. I had lived the zombie like existence for over 20 years, and despite the fact that I had some very stimulating jobs, I had, almost unknowingly, lost track of life as it should be. Then in 1995, I packed it all in and started my own business, and started the long haul to win back my individuality. But it was 1998 before I started to fully appreciate again what having control over your own life really meant. The 20 plus years were a blur; where had I been all that time?

One of the problems with modern stress is that it becomes a focus, along side the focus on purely material things such as the "need" to have a new car, a new house, the best clothes, the best tv and so on. Modern stress is a consumer product in itself, part of the material razzmatazz, that keeps the consumer in his or her place: a consumer, not a doer or a thinker; someone who plays by the rules and spends and borrows and spends and borrows to relieve themselves of the tedium and chase the shadow of achievement. Not real achievement; just its shadow.

That is not to say, though, that there is no relief from stress in the Anglo-American world. Those who are able to escape back to the real world now and again, and who can exercise sufficient self control regularly enough, will find that stress relatively easy to keep under control.

So how do we get to this other world, where we can manage our stress? There are portals all around you. Anything that will take your mind away from the self focus is a portal into this other world. Spending time with your children, and seeing life through their eyes for a while every day; the joy of discovery and play; but not as a drain upon your resources, and not as a part of your tedium. Spending time appreciating the wonders around you, the joys of nature, the little miracles that are within a short distance of where you stand or sit. Spending time travelling, helping others, seeing the true misery of people who are under the real stress caused by extreme poverty and disease, not the packaged consumer stress that we tend to think of.

This "other world" is a world of perspective. It is a world you used to know, but have somehow lost through lack of time. Yet, there was never any lack of time; that was an illusion too. This "other world" is also a world where you make the choices, consciously, not have them dictated to you by employers or weariness. A few simple choices each day can distract you enough to bring some relief to consumer induced stress. Fill the vacuum with your choices, and stress will not find such an easy way in.

Create Reserves for a Stress Free Life

One of the ways I have avoided a lot of stress the last two years is to have a stockpile of birthday and all occasion greetings cards in my filing cabinet. When you work at home like I do, you try to have the least interruptions to your day as possible. These cards have saved the day on many occasions. I get them when I am out shopping, I look for the ones I love and sometimes I am able to make the most of sales and cut price items by buying them in bulk. Of course I make sure I also have a big reserve of stamps to go with them.

There are many ways to avoid those extra stresses of everyday life by thinking about what you would love to have reserves of. When you have large amounts of reserves you also start to gain extra feelings of security and abundance. You know what happens then??? If you are feeling abundance then you are living abundantly and things will start just showing up in your lifeJ What fun this is!

What if you were to have large reserves of Toilet paper and other paper items, light bulbs, laundry detergent, providing, of course that you have somewhere to store it. Start buying the very biggest packs you can find and take care to buy when they are "on special".

Ok, so its obvious that you can always gather stocks of goods you need around the house but what else?

How about what would happen if your washing machine and car broke down on the same day and you had all your underwear waiting to be washed? Ok , well maybe that wouldn't happen, but if you had reserves of underwear, it would be no problem at all. Makes quite a good argument for haveing plenty of underwear:-)....So make sure you buy in bulk and when its on sale.

Another idea is make sure that your computer has more than enough memory before you NEED to upgrade. This way if you have something important to do it doesn't result in panic when suddenly you realize you need more space!

Lets take the idea of reserves even further. What if you were to have a "reserve of time" up your sleeve, wouldn't that feel great? One way to do this is to make dummy appointments with your self on the calendar. This is great for creating time just for you, those times when you could do with a bit of pampering or just some quiet time to veg out and read a book. Just write "MPT" on the day for however much time you want, then if anyone questions it or asks you to do something you can say "sorry, no I already have an appointment that day". By the way, MPT stands for My Private Time, but know one needs to know that but youJ

Think of lots of ways you can use the idea of "reserves" in your life to make it much more stress free. I would love to hear of any ideas that you come up with. Email me at di@dyzee.com please.

By Di McDonald

Stress Management and Mastery: 3 Steps to Loving What You Do

My first real job (schedule, time clock, paycheck, boss) was as a bag boy with a chain grocery store in Winter Park, Fla. I had worked before, cutting lawns, etc., and thought I knew about working hard. I remember asking my supervisor if it was against company policy to collapse on the job on the first day.

While certainly a noble pursuit, I soon learned that bagging groceries was not my dream job.

I'm one of the lucky ones. I have my dream job. Saying that I counsel/coach, speak and write really oversimplifies all that I do, but I can tell you this:

While there really are no bad days, the absolute worst day doing what I do is still better than the best day doing anything else I've ever done.

From my experience working with clients in hundreds of different jobs, here are three tips for success on the first day, and all days, of a new job:

1. Learn from the person in the position before you

OPE, Other People's Experience, is a valuable resource to help you reduce the length of the learning curve in a new job. This is especially true when the person before you has done a great job. The really good news here is that success almost always leaves clues, a trail you can follow and from which you can learn. So, study what your predecessor did to be successful. Some questions to pay attention to are:

? How did they make it work?

? What were their unique gifts?

? What can you do the same?

? What can you do differently?

Another way to discover what the person that went before you did to be successful is to simply ask them. Yep, that's right, ask them. Contrary to popular opinion, it does not make you look as if you do not know what you are doing. The reality is asking makes you look both humble and wise enough to ask good questions. You have to A-S-K to G-E-T. You do not have to reinvent the wheel or make it up as you go along. And not only does it make you look teachable and smart enough to ask but it also honors the other person.

2. Learn all you can about what you are doing

I really admire how my father-in-law makes major purchases. When he is getting ready to spend some money, John becomes an expert in that area. He reads and studies all he can, questions lots of experts and winds up making the best decision more often than not.

Become an eager and continuous student of what you are doing. I've been in private practice for almost 20 years and in this field in some way for 27 years. I still want to be better than I was yesterday, in part because just when I get cocky enough to believe I have seen it all, God sends me something unique to keep me humble. The other reason is that the older I get and the longer I am at this, the more I realize how very much there is that I do not know or even have a clue about. The seasoned professional, the craftsman or craftswoman, is always learning.

3. Make it your own

One of the best ways to be successful in any endeavor is to make it your own. Put your own stamp on it. Barbara Glanz is the author of CARE Packages for the Workplace and a professional speaker specializing in motivating employees. She calls it putting your personal signature on your work.

Barbara tells the story of a young man named Johnny with Downs Syndrome. Johnny worked as a bag boy in a grocery store and was in the audience when Barbara spoke at a meeting on the importance of putting your personal signature on your work. Johnny heard and ran with the idea; he began to include his own "thought for the day" typed on a small sheet of paper and placed in one of the grocery bags of customers that went through his line. It was not long before the line where Johnny was bagging would regularly back up because people wanted his thought for the day.

I first heard this story almost 10 years ago. I understand that Barbara and Ken Blanchard of "One Minute Manager" fame are coming out soon with a new book titled "The Simple Truths of Service - Inspired by Johnny the Bagger." You can check it out at www.barbaraglanz.com.

If Johnny the Bagger with Downs Syndrome can do it, what in the world is stopping you and me?

12 Proven Ways To Relieve Stress Today!

Do you feel that you just don't have the time to properly de-stress each day? The good news is you can incorporate simple stress busting routines into all that you do!

Stretch those muscles!

Lean your right ear down to your right shoulder and stretch the left side of your neck as you do. Now, switch sides and do the other side. Now, look down and drop your chin towards your chest. Now slowly, let your head roll to the right and then to the left. Repeat slowly until you feel yourself loosen up.

You can do this same exercise for your shoulders, too. Try a few shoulder circles, as well. This is simple to do and when you take the time to do these several times a day, your range of motion will increase and you'll feel considerably more relaxed.

Enjoy a relaxing massage

Treat yourself to a professional therapist massage and be sure to ask for a calming essential oil such as lavender or chamomile. Buy yourself some of the same oil to take home, and when you're having a stressful moment, put a few drops of oil onto your tissue or pillowcase and then just breathe into it deeply. You can also use some of the oil to be infused into the air with a diffuser. Just smelling the oil will relax you even if you don't get to have a massage!

Wear a Smile

Always begin your day with a broad smile on your face. Purpose in your heart to be lighthearted on this day and every time you see someone pass them a big, sincere smile. You will be surprised how easily this action will affect your mood.

Share in a good joke or two and try to make someone else laugh. Feeling lighthearted is a good thing! Just ask Martha Stewart!

That Small Inner Voice -- Talk to yourself

Gently close your eyes and repeat positive affirmations. Tell yourself over and over what you want to believe to be true, such as: 'I am calm' or 'I am confident and sure?' Keep in mind that what you believe to be true will be felt by your body!

In Support of Good Posture

Take in a few, good deep breaths as you sit up very tall. Put your feet flat on the floor. At the same time angle your thighs slightly toward the floor, arch in your lower back slightly, gently push your sternum (chest bone) back and then relax your shoulders.

Take in another good deep breath and hold your position for a minute or two. Don't allow your posture to slouch at all during this time - hold your position upright and support your good posture.

As your good posture continues to align, you will relieve all muscle tension. Do this exercise twice daily and you will find yourself naturally supporting your good posture each day.

Have Some Fresh Air and Take a Brisk Walk

If you must be indoors most of your day, taking a break to breathe in pure air and to exercise your limbs will be an instant refresher. Doing this will give you back good concentration and you will feel more limber.

Spend only 20 to 30 minutes each day taking in fresh air and walking and you will improve both physically and mentally. If you have a dog, take them along with you. They need to be refreshed just as you do.

Take up a Relaxing Hobby

Spend an afternoon at your local craft store and select a new hobby. A good hobby that really interests you will breathe new life into your day. You will be more relaxed and enjoy having a new interest. Whether you choose painting, playing an instrument, knitting, or even kite flying, choose something that will encourage calm and serenity.

Try a Relaxing Form of Eastern Meditation such as Tai Chi

Take time to focus from within and you will cultivate a spirit of self control over the anxiety-ridden external world.

Take a good book to bed with you each night and spend 30 minutes relaxing before you turn out the light. This will be calming and as you close yours eyes each night remind yourself of your many blessings.

Give Lots of Hugs and Kisses Daily

Even on your busiest days, stop and hug and kiss someone who is special to you. Your children, especially, need to know how much they mean to you. A show of affection will go a long way.

Spend time each day with a beloved pet. Studies have shown that when we care for a pet we release anxiety and tension, naturally.

Spend quality time with your loved one. Remember those special times with your spouse before the children came along. Nurture moments with just the two of you and you will relax, naturally

Replace that Uncomfortable Office Chair with an Ab Ball

Next time you leave for your office, stop, first into a fitness store and buy an Ab Ball. This ball will allow your core muscles to have a great wake up call. Just sit on your Ab Ball and then bounce on the spot! You will feel instantly refreshed and your co-workers will want to do the same!

Just as it is time to take your lunch, first bounce on your Ab Ball to get your gastro-juices going! You will firm up your body in no time and best of all you will have fun!

Breathe in the Gift of Life

We can all go for weeks without a crumb of food, days at a time without water, but, we can only go for minutes without good, pure oxygen.

The average person breathes very shallowly and this makes it almost impossible to be relaxed.

Sit yourself down, purposefully, and take in a slow deep breath in through your nose until you have properly filled up your lungs.

Hold in the air in for a moment and then very slowly exhale through your lips. Breathe deeply in this way for 4 - 5 times, a few times a day.

You will feel instantly refreshed!

Listen to the Gift of Music

As much as possible, always set your mood with background mood music. Some like traditional blues, some like jazz. Try the newer nature sounds, so you can be working to background sounds of tin pans, flutes and ocean waves crashing on the beach. Whatever you choose, make sure it relaxes and does not energize you. There is a time to be energized and a time to relax. For relaxation, select the mood music over the rock and roll or the hip hop.

By Whozylee Aris

Fighting For Your Life

Recently the well known American news anchor Peter Jennings died of lung cancer, just a few months after he publicly announced that he had the disease and that he was going to fight it with everything he had.

After his death, I read some of the tributes that poured in about the life of Peter Jennings. One of the common themes that appeared in the statements made by his friends and colleagues was that they remembered what a determined, competitive man he was.

They said that he took on his battle with cancer head on, and that he fought his cancer the way he battled everything, with steely will and determination. And unfortunately he didn't win.

Reading about Peter Jennings' losing battle with lung cancer reminded me of another conversation about living with cancer that illustrated a very different approach to the disease. recently.

Last week I had a meeting with one of my business associates, a man named Brian, to discuss some business matters.

After our business meeting was finished, Brian started telling me about his mother's experience of living with cancer. A lot of what Brian had to say was very thought provoking to me.

Brian told me that his mother had been diagnosed with a bad type of bone cancer and doctors had told her that she had only a very short time to live. Yet in spite of the fact that her cancer kept spreading to other parts of her body, she managed to live fourteen years longer than what her doctors had originally predicted.

Brian said that he often wondered why his mother managed to live such a long time with cancer when many of his younger friends who got cancer died of it quite quickly.

Brian told me "I come from a sports and and athletic background, and so a lot of my friends are athletes. My athletic friends tend to be very focussed and competitive people, and they're used to being very aggressive. When they were diagnosed with cancer, I watched them go into their competitive and athletic mode, and they would say 'I'm going to fight this thing'.

They would fight their cancer the same way they fought their athletic battles, with gritted teeth and courage and determination.

Brian said, "What I noticed about these guys who were so tough and fought cancer so hard was that in a lot of cases they burned out really soon.

When my mother got cancer, Brian continued, "Her approach was kind of the opposite. She wanted to live, but she never said she was going to fight this cancer. One of the things I watched her do is that she decided to drop everything that was stressful from her life."

Shopping was stressful for her, so she dropped it. Driving a car was stressful so she stopped driving. In fact, she stopped doing everything she didn't want to do, and she only kept the things she really enjoyed.

And she made a point of becoming very relaxed and enjoying her life.

Then Brian told me, "This experience made me think that maybe the idea of fighting for your life when you have cancer is like trying to fight off insomnia."

"If you decide to fight insomnia by gritting your teeth and saying 'I'm tough, I've fought lots of battles successfully, I'm going to fight this insomnia and I'm going to beat this thing, well, you'll never fall asleep. It won't work."

Now I can't say that what seemed to work for Brian's mother in living with cancer is the miracle key for anyone else who has cancer. This wasn't a scientific study, and many other factors are involved.

But Brian's comments about his mother's approach to living with cancer, and his comments about trying to use will power to fight insomnia are worth keeping in mind when we are facing a problem. Not every problem can be solved with will power and determination.

In such fields as business and sports, an attitude of determination and competitiveness can be very useful, and can be highly rewarded. If we have been very successful in these fields by being high powered, determined and aggressive, we may try to use the same approach to tackle every problem. Aggressively and head-on. With grit and determination.

However, being aggressive and determined does not work on every kind of problem.

For example, if your mate is unhappy in your marriage, or your child has a serious illness, or if you have too much stress in your life, then using determination and aggression will not solve these problems. In these situations, aggressiveness does not work.

We need to recognize those situations where another approach might work better.

Sometimes what we need to do is relax more, let go of our illusion that we can control everything, become more humble, and be open to living in the moment even when we don't know all the answers.

By Royane Real

Using Exercise to Relieve Stress

Most people know of the importance of exercise as a means of weight loss, strength gains, and increased endurance, but exercise can play a major role in the reduction of stress. Along with just stress relief, exercise can help improve mental health, emotion and mood.

When you exercise, your body produces substances called endorphins. Endorphins are formed within the body to help relieve pain and induce a feeling of well-being and relaxation. Endorphins have a similar chemical structure to morphine. Release of these endorphins can make you fall asleep faster, and may help in the reduction of high blood pressure.

When a stressful situation arises, the body undergoes some 1500 biochemical reactions. This is referred to as the "fight or flight" response. In prehistoric times, stress may have come by means of the threat of being eaten by something very large! The chemical changes in the body produced that "pumped up", adrenaline rush feeling, preparing the body to fight the beast or run like heck! This was and is the means by which the built up byproducts of the chemical changes are released.

Although traffic on the way to work, or knowing the in-laws are coming next week, hardly compare to the possibility of becoming lunch, the body still goes through the chemical changes in response to the stress. If a "fight or flight" action is not taken, the byproducts continue to circulate and can cause illness. Exercise is a perfect way to expel the problem.

Changing the body's chemical composition is not the only way that exercise can help alleviate stress, however. Stress can be caused by the expression or repression of anger. Exercise offers a target in which one may direct their anger. Try hitting a racquetball, golf ball, or punching bag. Go to a gym and lift some weights. Often times, "getting it out" can make some of that anger go away.

Some forms of exercise have meditative similarities. Steady-state exercise (running long distances, swimming at a slow pace), may alter one's state of consciousness as the deep breathing patterns maintained over a long period of time are similar to the breathing techniques used in meditation. Some runners experience a "high" feeling during or after a run.

Exercise can also enhance one's feelings of self-esteem. By participating in bouts of exercise, one tends to feel better knowing they are doing something for their health. Setting and overcoming goals can be a great tool in enhancing self-esteem. And don't forget about improved body image. Perhaps the greatest self-esteem boost comes from fitting into a smaller size or seeing muscles where there once was flab!

During stressful times, muscles contract. During exercise, muscles do work, releasing stored energy and allowing the muscles to return back to their resting state. This also happens with massage.

Sometimes too little in one's life can be stressful. It is natural for humans to seek out stimulation and excitement. Exercise provides a social opportunity, which can be of some stress relief. Bored with your daily routine? Run with a friend; join in on a pick-up basketball or volleyball game. HAVE FUN!

BE CAREFUL!!

There are some times that exercise itself can be stressful. If you are a competitive person, you may not want to engage in competitive exercise or sports as a means of relieving stress. If you are playing or competing against someone, you may lose! If you are trying to beat a personal best, you may not succeed! Keep this in mind if stress relief is a goal.

When choosing your exercise, make sure that you pick something that you enjoy doing. If you don't like to run, DON'T RUN! Try different exercises; talk to a Fitness Specialist. Exercise is more than treadmills and weight machines. Find out what you like to do, and do it!

Wes Norris, CSCS is a Fitness Consultant and the owner of AllAroundFitness.org based out of Connecticut.

Wes works at Hartford Hospital and trains clients, athletes, and speaks to groups on the importance of exercise for a variety of specific conditions.

He runs a fitness bootcamp, teaches for a National Personal Training certifying agency and creates and produces fitness products for Trainers and Fitness Fanatics.

One Way to Beat Stress: Arrive Early!

I'm so excited that I have discovered this secret today. It's something that I promise will reduce the stress level in your lives. It's easy, convenient and all you have to do is plan: THE NIGHT BEFORE!

Today was the third day of school for my son Jeremy. Today we were among the very first people at school. Every single day, the kids line up in the parking lot at the school with their teachers. At 7:55am, the principal, Mrs. Katie Walsh, directs the students in The Lord's Prayer, and the Pledge of Allegiance. It's a wonderful tradition and unites the school every single day.

Today, because Jeremy was the first boy in his class to arrive, he got to be the line leader! Now, if you know anything about kindergarten, The LINE Leader is a VERY special thing to be. It's the first person in line. It's the leader. It's the HEAD HONCHO!! And today, Jeremy was the line leader! That made him feel special and I know this because he told the teacher that he was the FIRST person in the class to get there this morning. He was quite proud of that fact.

Yesterday though? A totally different story! Yesterday Jeremy and I were running across the parking lot to get there before the class went inside. We completely missed the prayer AND the Pledge and I was rushing him so much he started crying and nearly sat down in the middle of the parking lot. When we got there, I pretty much threw him in line, kissed him goodbye and both of us were nervous with adrenaline as we said goodbye. Whew! We JUST made it. The alternative was the go to the principals' office to sign him in. I just can't see me going to the PRINCIPAL'S office during the first week of school. Especially since I was NEVER sent to the Principal's office in my whole 12 years of school! (Yes, believe it or not.. I was one of the GOOD GIRLS!)

So I vowed last night to get to school early. Sway and I double checked all of our clocks with the world clock. We set them all on time and I set my wrist watch a bit fast. I made sure last night that his book bag was ready, his uniform was ironed and we all got to bed early. My clock went off 15 minutes earlier this morning and we didn't let Jeremy linger in bed this morning. We fed him, got his snack put together and got him dressed with time to spare.

Was it easy? OF COURSE not! We struggled like crazy to get him to get out of bed, to get him fed and to get dressed. But Sway and I worked together to get it done. Sure we had some crying fits and I think there were a few tense moments from all of our ends, but we did it and we got there early with a LOT of time to spare.

It was great! We got to sit in the car and talk about the day. We got to talk about what the day could be like if he had really good behavior. We talked about him meeting some new kids and introducing himself to others and being kind to others. We even got to call Jeremy's daddy and tell him how early we were.

When we got to the parking lot, I got to talk with Mrs. Dowell, his teacher and he got to share with her how he helped me yesterday when I sprained my ankle. She was delighted that he helped his mommy and showed the appropriate amount of pride.

Then Jeremy got to stand in line as the other boys lined up behind him. I got to socialize with the other mommies which is always fun. I got to kiss him goodbye as they walked away and he seemed fine today.

It was such a great day that I'm convinced that our habits can change. We can get to bed early EVERY night. We can prepare everything in advance and have a smooth morning and get to school early every day. It's worth striving for. I want my little boy to get in the habit of being early and enjoying the feelings that it brings.

I want to apply this tactic to every part of my life. To my coaching appointments, to church, or anywhere I must be on a regular basis. I like the feeling of being prepared instead of just arriving in a rush and trying to catch up with everyone else. I like not having the adrenaline rush and having to calm down. I learned this lesson years ago when arriving to the airport and I've never regretted getting there early. I've always been perfectly calm, cool and collected when I travel. Of course I learned the hard way and remember racing to the gate and being out of breath more than once.

So I know I can change my habits since I've done it before. And now, I'm instilling new habits in my son, and in my husband. I think it's going to make the school year easier. And somehow, I think it's going to make our life easier too.

So if you have that rushed feeling when you are driving around town or getting to meetings or appointments, try planning the night before. Get the whole family engaged in the new rule of thumb. It can change your whole outlook on school.

So try using this secret of planning to arrive early. It can change your life, your stress and your reputation!

Besides, it's a whole lot more fun. And isn't that a better way to live?

By Mary Gardner

7 Unique Stress Relievers

Too much driving, too much shopping, too much rushing around, running the kids around. Do family and work demands have you stressed out?

There are many ways to help you control stress. Here are some unique methods I've collected.

1. Yell! But---be sure you are alone. The best place is in the car with the windows up. Stuck in traffic? Try it.

2. Sing. This is close to the first one. Lots of people swear by the power of music to release tension and stress. Sing wherever you feel comfortable. It doesn't matter what. Just have some fun with it! I have done this on all jobs I've had. Then I started dancing. Why not! People thought I was crazy, but it works.

3. Do something soothing. Start or try a activity like knitting, crochet, pottery making. Don't worry about being good at it. It's the process that's beneficial. Sitting still while performing repetitive movements is calming and stabilizing for many people. It can be time to collect your thoughts.

4. Start a garden. Even apartment-dwellers can do this. Inside in pots, pots on the patio, pots, a small spot in your yard. There is a little work to setting it up. Tending plants, fruits, vegetables, flowers and watching them grow, bloom, or yield food is rewarding. Avid gardeners say working a garden is the best way

to control stress and worry. An added benefit is the creation of a more beautiful, restful environment.

5. Play with a dog or cat. Experts say Pet owners have longer lives and fewer stress symptoms than non-pet owners. Playing with your pet provides good vibrations. It's a form of social interaction with no pressure to meet anyone's expectations!

6. Gaze at the stars. Many times I have gazed up at the stars off my patio. Preferably in a still, dark, and quiet area, sit back and observe the heavens. The vastness of space is awesome. This way can make a lot of problems seem very small.

7. Discover how you can recognize too much stress before it explodes here: http://www.faceuptoit-youcan.com/sanpaku.html

If stress is not relieved it can be very dangerous to your health and can explode into violent behavior.

By Kathy Thompson

Dont Be a Worry Wort!

Everyone worries. As bothersome as it is, worry isn't all bad, and can actually work for you. Worry can give you a jolt of energy, spark your creative thinking, and help you to meet deadlines. The trick is to keep worry under control and these tips will help you do that.

1. Identify the source. Though it can take days, weeks, or even months, identifying the source of your worry is time well spent. You may feel anxious all the time, for example, constantly looking over your shoulder, and thinking something awful is about to happen. Once you'e identified these feelings as anticipatory grief you can do something about them.

2. See the big picture. Or as author Richard Carlson, PhD puts it, "Don't sweat the small stuff . . . and it's all small stuff." Carlson says we let ourselves get "worked up over things that, upon closer examination, aren't really that big a deal." Getting a flat tire on the way to work is nothing compared to chronic disease, famine, or terrorirm. Sometimes it's hard to see the big picture, so you may have to consciously de-clutter your mind to bring it into focus.

3. Catch the laughs. According to a University of Maryland Medical Center study, humor is good medicine. Michael Miller, MD, Director for the Center for Prventive Cardiology at the Center, says regular exercise and healthy eating can reduce the risk of heart disease, adding, "Perhaps regular, hearty laughter should be added to the list." Miller thinks we should incorporate laughter into our daily lives by reading funny stuff, watching funny videos, and not taking ourselves so seriously.

4. Start a solutions list. Keep your list on a computer or on a notepad. Every time you think of a solution jot it down. Maintain your list for a week and put it away for a few days. Then take it out, pick the best solution, and start working on it. The solution may not produce dramatic results, but you've taken a proactive step and are moving forward with life.

5. Take care of yourself. Poor eating hbits and lack of sleep can make worry worse. So eat a balanced diet and try to get eight hours of sleep a night. If you haven't had a physical exam in a while this may be the time to get one. And even though you're worried, make time for your friends and social activities.

6. Get moving. Mayo Clinic psychologist Kristen Vickers-Douglas, PhD, in an article on www.MayoClinic.com, says there's "substantial evidence that exercise can enhance mood." You don't have to run a marathon or lift weights to boost your spirits, a daily walk will do it. Others find spritual comfort in meditation.

7. Appreciate nauture. Life is more beautiful when you take the time to appreciate birds and flowers and trees. Recognizing this fact, five Wisconsin towns got together and crafted the "Leaf Your Worries Behind" tourism campign, a "relaxing autumn getaway in the Northwoods." No matter where you live, take the time to appreciate nature.

8. Watch fewer newscasts. In the era of 24-hour television newscasts the same stories are aired again and again. Often these newscasts contain horrific images, images that are stored in your mind. For peace of mind you may wish to watch one newscast and skip the rest.

9. Get help if you need it. According to "Treatment of Specific Anxiety-Based problems," a chapter posted on the Psychological Self-Help Website, chronic worriers fret for several hours a day. What a waste! If you're a chronic worrier you may want to take a stress management course or talk with a trained counselor.

10. Credit yourself. You've taken steps to keep worry under control and that's a huge accomplishment. Applaud yourslf, cheer, or dance around the kitchen. Instead of being a worry wort you're making worry work for you. Good job!

Harriet Hodgson has been a nonfiction writer for 27 years and is a member of the Association of Health Care Journalists. Her latest book, Smiling Through Your Tears: Anticipating Grief, written with Lois Krahn, MD, is available from http;//http://www.amazon.com

by Harriet Hodgson

Are You Soakin' It Up?

And holding it way down inside you like an old sponge? Be careful. Just like an old sponge that's held its liquid a little too long, we may start to get stinky in a day or two. I'm referring to "soaking up" all that wonderful information that comes to us mainly through our televisions, radios and computers. Information that is then refortified and nourished through conversations with our friends or relatives.

It's unfortunately a fact of life. Every minute of every day, the media presents "news" that is frequently disturbing. Coverage of terrorist acts, wars, airline crashes, natural disasters - all kinds of information that show, sometimes in graphic detail, the tragic events of our world and the how they are impacting the lives of our fellow man. As I write this, the TV is blanketed with video footage, stories, commentary, interviews and speculation related to the aftermath of hurricane Katrina. The devastation is truly mind-boggling.

Here's the problem. Many of us humans have a tendency to become over-focused on these events. For some strange reason, beyond a reasonable desire to be informed, we find ourselves sitting in front of our televisions or our computers viewing, listening to and reading everything we can about the current "terrible event". We are "soakin' it up"!

The unfortunate result is that we soon start to feel the negative emotions associated with our current focus. Don't get me wrong. It's normal - and good - to empathize - to feel compassion toward those people who are experiencing tough times. That's just a nice expression of our love toward our fellow man. It's not good for us personally however, to dwell on the negatives - to continually shove this stuff into our little brains to ferment into mind sludge. Whether we consciously realize it or not, it won't take long for our bodies to respond to this mental goo. We may find that we're not feeling quite as well as we did a few days ago. We may find it harder to deal with the pressures of our personal lives. We may notice that our patience level has dropped somewhat - that we're now kind of cranky and out of sorts. Whatever the effect, it's our body's normal reaction to a bombardment of negatives.

So here's a suggestion. If you find that you've been spending a lot of time in front of your TV or computer soaking up negatives - and you are having a tendency to "feel" the emotions associated with this mental input, take a break from it. Switch to the cartoon channel, watch a comedy video, take a walk, bathe the dog, read a book, work on your stamp collection, play with your kids, mow the lawn, go to the mall - anything that will divert your attention away from the yucky stuff and more toward those things you enjoy doing. Give your mind a healing dose of positives. Trust me - you'll feel better?

By Gene Simmons

Stress Management: Ditch Thinking or Destination Thinking

Imagine driving down the road. You are driving with a great amount of anticipation, on your way to an important destination, a place you have always wanted to go.

Now notice that on either side of the road there is a ditch big enough to swallow your car.

Now imagine what your journey would be like if you kept your eyes only on the ditch. Perhaps you glanced at the road every few miles, but mostly your eyes are focused on he ditch. It's likely that you would end up in the ditch and not make it to your destination.

Silly way to drive, huh? Then why do we live that way? It sure seems that is what many of us do when we start out to achieve important goals.

Ditch thinking

I call thinking this way ditch thinking. Focus on the ditch long enough, and you will wind up in the ditch, wondering how you got there.

Today let's look at some signs and symptoms of ditch thinking, and then how to get out of the ditch and into destination thinking.

How to Do Ditch Thinking

Focusing only on everything that could go wrong. While it's important and valuable to think ahead and anticipate what problems might lie ahead, it's foolish to focus only on the obstacles.

Complaining about the ditch. "Look at that ditch! It just shouldn't be there." "It's just too big not to notice it." "I just can't drive with that ditch over there."

Instead of the old biting off more than you can chew, it's thinking about more than you can chew. "Wow, I bet that ditch will be there the whole entire trip. I wonder if the road will get smaller and the ditch get bigger?"

Procrastinate. Put it off. CONvince yourself that you really will do it later.

Making excuses for yourself. To rationalize really means to believe rational lies.

Making problems obstacles instead of challenges. I've never pursued a goal that didn't have it's share of challenges. If you turn them into obstacles you are blocked. A challenge is simply that: a challenge to see if you really mean it when you say you want to achieve something.

Blaming others.

Here are seven words guaranteed to drive you into the ditch, "we've always done it that way before."

Listening to and then believing all the naysayers who say it's impossible, you can't do it. Remember that at one time it was considered impossible to fly, communicate by phone, fax or email, etc. etc. In each case, and in so many more, someone chose to not believe in the impossibility.

How to Do Destination Thinking

Begin. Simply begin.

Celebrate your progress. It builds momentum.

Break the journey down into small enough parts to make it manageable.

Focus on where you want to go.

Be creative. Creativity is simply the ability to look at something that has always been there and seeing something that has never been seen before.

Remind yourself regularly, even daily, about why you are pursuing this destination. An important enough why makes the how a whole lot easier.

Enjoying the trip. Even if it's only the satisfaction of hard work, finding ways to enjoy the trip keeps you going.

Focus on what you will be able to do, that you can't do now, when you achieve the goal.

Asking the question, "In how many ways can I accomplish want I want and enjoy the trip?"

Follow ditch thinking and you end up in the ditch. Follow destination thinking and you are much more likely to arrive at your destination.

It really can be that simple.

Stress Management: 9 Universal Laws for Problem Solving

1. The Law of Gifts

Richard Bach, author of "Illusions" says "There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in it's hands. We seek problems because we need their gifts." I suggest we seek problems because we need the gift of their solutions.

2. The Law of Quality

Everyone has problems. The only people I know who don't have problems can be found in the graveyard. The goal is to have a better quality of problem. Which problem would you rather have: Figuring out how to pay your bills or figuring out how to manage all the money you are making?

3. The Law of Variety

"If the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail." We need a variety of tools, not just one. Use your creativity. Believe you don't have any creativity? Do you ever worry? Then you have creativity. Worry is just creativity used in a negative way.

4. The Law of Einstein

Albert Einstein said, "You can't solve a problem with the same level of thinking that created the problem." This is what is meant by the popular business saying to "think outside the box."

5. The Law of Size

"There is a time in the life of every problem when it is big enough to notice and small enough to solve."

6. The Law of Sean Connery

In the movie "Rising Sun" actor Sean Connery says, "In our country, when there is a problem, we look for someone to blame. In Japan, when there is a problem, they look for solutions."

6. The Law of 5%

Spend only 5% of your energy on talking about the problem, & 95% of your energy on solving the problem.

7. The Law of "And"

When solving problems, many times we get caught in either/or thinking. The problem here is that we are limited to only two choices: this or that. The law of "and" allows us to tap into our creativity & the wealth of other choices available to us. "I can do this & I could do that & I could........

8. The Law of Hope

When we get it that there is no hope in solving a problem, we lose any ability to solve it. Hope can be defined as a confident expectation, a certainty that problems can be solved. Babe Ruth said, "You just can't beat the person who never quits."

9. The Law of Nike (the law of action)

You can read all of the above laws & even post them on your refrigerator. They are just decoration unless you take action and do them. I realize I'm quoting a sneaker company here, you can find it. Nike was right, just do it!

Three Stress Relief Techniques

There is good stress, and there is bad stress. Good stress is the type that propels a person to excel, to reach new heights or to complete a big project on time.

And there is bad stress. Stress that comes from conflict or worries. Stress that keeps a person from sleeping and happiness. Stress that calls for relief. Here are three stress-relief tips you can follow.

Meditation for stress relief.

Can there be a more obvious stress relief strategy than to bring your entire physical being to a calm? Meditation techniques often involve visualization of something calm, like a blank screen or clouds. Or it can mean clearing your mind entirely.

If stress is caused by how we allow our minds to captured by worries and fears, then replacing those worries and fears with calmer images is the obvious way to reduce stress.

You can sign up for a free course on meditation techniques to reduce stress at my website.

Exercise to reduce stress.

If relaxing to a state where even your blood vessels are almost still is the ultimate in stress relief, surely exercise, which gets even your blood pumping at breakneck speed, must be the ultimate stress demon.

Not so. Exercise is a big stress reliever. In fact, the bigger the muscles you exercise, the more less stress you will bear. That's because exercise releases physical tension in the muscles.

Here's another tip: exercise in water to reduce stress even more. Why? Because you are more buoyant on water; gravity takes a much gentler toll on your body, so the tension created in your muscles just by holding you up gets released. For the ultimate stress release, exercise in water. Or meditate in water. Or laugh in water.

Laughter reduces stress, too.

Yes, laughter also relieves stress. The muscles we use to laugh are those tense ones in our faces. When we loosen them, we release tension from our faces. We also allow more blood to flow to the pleasure centers of the brain (which might be why someone with a 'good sense of humor' is considered more attractive).

I think I will close with this excerpt from my newsletter, A Daily Dose of Happiness, which shows the value of a little creative humor:

"Little Lady was guarding the space between the trees, as I tried to kick her little ball past her.

"Then an idea struck me. Off to the side lay a large, purple fit ball that the kids like to be bounced on. A rushed over, rolled it into the clearing and kicked it toward Little Lady. 'Giant Blueberry Soccer!' I shouted. She laughed.

"For the next ten or fifteen minutes, we rolled and licked and laughed and shouted, "Giant Blueberry Soccer!"

"What a great family moment, stress relief, joy-injector, fun and more. My formula was simple, and you can do it too. Look around and find something that just would not belong, like a too-big ball. Then imagine what it might be, like a blueberry. Then thrust it into your situation with all the gusto you can apply.

"Have fun."

By David Leonhardt

Stress Management and Mastery: The Value of Vitamin NO

What part of no don't you understand? - Bumper sticker

The child that never hears no will have a hard time saying no. - Della Reese in "Touched by an Angel"

Have you ever noticed how some of the most powerful things in life are also the most simple?

So it is with the simply powerful word ``NO.''

I've come to believe that one of the keys to success is the ability to say no when no is the best thing to say.

Let's take a look at when to say no, and then more importantly, how to say NO effectively.

When to say no

To others - Although it may be unintentional, people's opinions can be potential dream stealers. If you have a dream and are convinced of its value in your life, ignore those that say you cannot do it. Pursue your dream, because that's where passion and life can be found.

To temptation - Have you ever noticed how temptation doesn't hang around long when you firmly say no? Temptation needs an invitation to stay around.

To yourself - Everyone I have ever known, including myself, is excellent at the mind-bending trick called rationalization. We can twist our thoughts around so much that we convince ourselves of just about anything. But check out the word ``rationalize.'' In this case what it really means is to convince yourself of rational lies.

To the culture - Mary Pipher, author of "The Shelter of Each Other, Rebuilding Our Families" says:

"If we fail as a family to fight the culture in our society, we end up fat, addicted and broke with a house full of junk we don't need."

Decide how you want you and yours to be, and resist cultural pressure.

To stress and reactivity - Here's a riddle for you: What do a TV, a human being and a VCR have in common? Answer: All three have a pause button. But I'm convinced we use ours less than TVs and VCRs.

Instead of reacting to the stress in your life, hit the pause button long enough to consider how you would like to respond instead of react.

To our children - Della Reese said it best in the quote above: The child who never hears no will not be able to say no. Furthermore, children who never hear no won't understand or respect no when they are adults, which can lead to all sorts of difficulties.

How to say no

Here's a few tips on learning the how of saying no:

Give yourself permission to say no. You are a big person now and have the right to say no. (You always had it anyway.)

Decide you are gong to say no, and then as my dad always said, ``Stick to your guns.''

Say it! It really can be that simple.

If people have a difficult time hearing or accepting your no, remember that is their problem, not yours. Use the old broken-record technique: "I understand what you are saying, and the answer is still no." Repeat as much as necessary.

Practice saying no to work out your no muscles.

Pay attention to how the world doesn't end, and how all your friends and family don't disown you for saying no.

When you are able to say no - when no is the best thing to say - you'll find your world less cluttered and your life less chaotic.

Just one more thought:

It's only when you can say NO that your YES has any real value.

Stressed Out? It May Be Your Job

"I'm stressed out."

If you find yourself thinking--or saying--this on a regular basis, you might have a real problem on your hands. Job and career related stress has been on the rise in recent years, as occupations become more complex, and workers are taking on more and more responsibility. In fact, workplace stress is now considered an occupational illness. Many employees undergo stress as a normal part of their jobs, but some experience it more severely than others, to the point that they need time away from work.

According to a survey by the Bureau of Labor Statistics, extreme occupational stress is classified as a "neurotic reaction to stress." The survey found that thousands of such cases are reported every year. The median absence from work for these cases was 23 days, more than four times the level of all nonfatal occupational injuries and illnesses. And more than two-fifths of the cases resulted in 31 or more lost workdays, compared to one-fifth for all injury and illness cases.

Not surprisingly, the level of workplace stress seems to be tied directly to the worker's occupation. In fact, just four industries accounted for the bulk of occupational stress cases: Services (35 percent), manufacturing (21 percent), retail trade (14 percent), and finance, insurance, and real estate (12 percent).

In general, white-collar occupations had a higher proportion of stress cases than both blue-collar and service occupations combined. Managerial and professional occupations, with 16 percent of the cases, and technical, sales, and administrative support occupations with 48 percent, the highest proportions of occupational stress cases.

If you're stressed out, you need to look at ways to reduce that stress before it has a negative effect on your health. High levels of stress, over time, can lead to sleeping disorders, high blood pressure, and other physical problems. If you think your work environment is too stressful, bring the subject up with your boss or supervisor. See if there isn't some way of reducing your workload, or taking away a few responsibilities so that you don't feel overwhelmed on the job. If you feel yourself getting stressed out at work, try relaxing and breathing slowly and deeply for a few minutes and see if this doesn't calm you down.

Away from work, exercise is a great stress reducer. For many people, a brisk walk in the evening is enough to unwind them after a tough day on the job. I've found that yoga works wonders for me after a tense work day. After a half an hour doing yoga poses and breathing exercises, I feel refreshed, and I sleep much better at night. Other people relax by playing sports, or socializing with friends, or playing with their kids.

No matter how you relieve stress, just do it. You'll feel a lot better, both physically and mentally. And if you can't find a way to manage your stress levels at work, you might need to think about finding another job.

By Kent Johnson

Stress Management: 7 Universal Laws for Managing Change

1. The Law of Stagnation

This is also known as first order change. First order change is a type of change where there really is no change.

How's that again? Pretty foggy, huh?

Allow me to clear it up for you. Authors Waltzlawick, Weakland and Fisch, in their book "Change: Principles of Problem Formation and Problem Resolution" explain it this way:

"...A person having a nightmare can do many things in their dream - run, hide, fight, scream, jump off a cliff, etc. - but no change from any one of these behaviors to another would ever terminate the nightmare."

In other words, you can have lots of action and moving around, without any real change taking place.

A good example from the relationship world is the belief that ending one relationship for another will change everything and make you happy. Not necessarily. Remember these profound words of wisdom, "Wherever you go, you take yourself with you."

2. The Law of Transformation

This is also known as second order change. Again, according to the authors,

"The one way out of a dream involves a change from dreaming to waking. Waking, obviously, is no longer a part of the dream, but a change to a different state altogether."

In other words, transformation, or put more simply, real change, involves movement from one state to another.

3. The Law of The Clutch

This is also known as the law of conscious attention. Several years ago, the clutch went out on my two year old car. I asked the mechanic why this would happen so soon and he asked me a few questions about how I drive. It turns out I was a champion clutch rider. If it was possible for me to have the clutch in, it was in.

What's the point? Well, I found myself having to pay conscious attention to something I had been doing, kind of unconsciously, for years - driving.

There are times in our life where we have to pay conscious and careful attention to what we are doing and thinking in order to get the changes we want.

4. The Law of Others

Whenever you set out to change someone else, you are doomed to frustration and failure. The only person we can change is ourselves, and that's difficult enough sometimes.

5. The Law of Wet Diapers

The only person who always likes change is a wet baby. Sometimes change can be the last thing we want. At the same time, change is an inevitable part of our lives.

6. The Law of Waves

Like change, there are three ways to handle a wave: you can let it knock you down, you can survive it, or you can ride it and thrive. Only the wisest and most creative of people do the latter.

7. The Law of Kaleidoscopes

Remember the kaleidoscopes we played with as kids? You would look through the hole in the tube, turn the end of the tube and watch the colors change. Many times there would be a series of small shifts followed by a big shift in the picture.

That's often how we change as well. We make a series of small shifts leading to big changes.

So if you find yourself frustrated by only being able to make small changes, remember, big changes can be just one more small shift away.

Dealing With Frustration

If you're like most people, you have your bouts of frustration, for sure. Not everyone handles these episodes in the same manner, as you most likely already know. One of the biggest problems is that some people don't seem to get a grip on the fact that they do have a choice as to how to react to people, situations, and events.

We learned how to be angry at a very early age - we cried and, at the time, probably got what we wanted as a result just so we'd be quiet. Hmmm...does that say something? Perhaps that alone extinguishes some of the wonder as to why using our little frenzies when things go wrong has been something worth holdingonto.

Anger and frustration are okay for starters - if used properly. But they are meant to be short-lived. If not, they grow into resentment and all kinds of problems can result - and that's more than just probable. It's a given. And it's not healthy. Can you see that?

This may or may not be astonishing to you, but virtually every emotional and physical disorder can be traced back to anger. To some that's startling. So why do we hold onto it for so long?

Well, as mentioned above, anger was something we learned at an early age. Thing is, the majority of us never really learned how to deal with it in a healthy manner - and that's not good. As a matter of fact, we've gotten so good at using our anger as a means of dealing that the effects of this potentially disastrous emotion are often never noticed by us! Then it should be no surprise that emotional and physical disorders result, since the warning signs are quite often not there.

Isn't it time you, once and for all, get a handle on dealing with the anger, frustration, and resentment in your life? The benefits are so huge, they're unexplainable. In addition, it's not just you who will benefit. Family members, friends, co-workers, intimate partners, will not only notice the difference in you, but self-control can be catchy. You are sure to serve as a role model for those around you.

It doesn't have to be a difficult task, you know. As a matter of fact, there is kit designed to make the process as easy as can be. Dr.Sandra Nelson of www.Tell-Me-About-It.com has put together a kit that is so user friendly, your progress is guaranteed. And, yes, the site guarantees your success.

First off, once you receive delivery of your package, you won't have to go beyond opening the envelope to sense that you've got something different in your hands. In addition to being accompanied with some pretty nice goodies, the workbook is written in such a way that no one will be intimidated by its language. It is a priority of Dr. Sandy (as she is so often referred to) to create tools that will be put to use. And, yes, each one is put together with her own care. They are meant to work for everyone who puts his or her hands on them - and they do.

The name of the anger management kit by Dr. Sandy is "It's A Mad House" - you can have your copy delivered to you within just a matter of a few days by visiting http://tell-me-about-it.com/2itsamadhouse.shtml to learn more. Surely, you will be glad that you made the investment. And, considering its effectiveness, the price is unbelievable. So do yourself and your loved ones a favor and get your copy.Better still, pick up a few as gifts - the thanks you'll receive will be priceless.

When you really get down to it, it makes no sense whatsoever to avoid the decision to take some action toward the mastery of your emotions. So often we hear others (we all seem to do it at times) complain about how frustrated or upset they are about something and it's obvious that how they feel was caused by someone or something outside themselves - according to them. This is simply not true. It's easy to "pass the buck" when it comes to blame; however, there is only one person who can be the master of what's between your own two ears - and that's you.

Once you give yourself the privilege of a little self study, you know what will happen? You'll want to learn more - it will be like a light that goes off in your head - you know, like those "A-HAA!" moments when you say "Why in the world did I not know this stuff about myself before!"

Well, friend, there's no time like the present to give yourself the luxury of getting to know yourself a little better. Think you're an alright person now? Wait to you really get to know you - what a genuine treat!

By Dr. Sandra Nelson and David Longo

How To Reduce Stress and Ease Worries in Just 3 Minutes

Meditation, relaxation and visualisation are the standard recommendations for reducing stress, and they are all beneficial and useful to us in many ways, however, they are not so easy to put into use when stress strikes with it's disruptive companions frustration, overwhelm, confusion, anxiety etc in full attendance.

Here's something simple you can try to diffuse stress quickly and easily, anytime and anywhere.

1. rub your forehead with both hands in vertical lines from your eyebrows to your hairline for a few moments

2. about an inch above each eyebrow you will find a bump - rest your fingertips there lightly and hold

3. take a deep breathe in and lighten the pressure of your fingertips until they are touching those points very softly

4. breathe deeply again and allow yourself to sink into how you are really feeling right now - focus clearly and specifically on the one thing that is mainly causing you stress, or anxiety

5. allow yourself to think the truth of the matter, hold the points and breathe and remain that way for a couple of minutes

6. concentrate on the area you are holding and feel for pulsations under your fingertips as the blood flow, previously diverted by stress, is restored to your forebrain. Now you can begin to think clearly again as you feel stress drain away and find yourself in control and able to choose how you wish to respond to what's at hand.

What many of us don't realise about stress is that although it is often triggered by our mental states and emotional responses it is in fact a physiological occurrence. The body responds directly to every impression we feed it be it real or imagined; it makes no difference to the body. If you tell it you are stressed it will respond immediately by sending the majority of the blood from your forebrain to your chest for faster breathing and the more efficient pumping of blood through your heart and to the muscles of your legs for whatever action they may need to take.

When you consider this automatic physical response it's easy to see why we don't always think well under stress. This simple technique tells your body to stand down and encourages the blood flow to return to the brain for clear thinking and decision-making.

Try this for:

- diffusing stress on the spot and stopping it from accumulating

- easing worries

- regaining control of your resources and having access to your full capacity for dealing with any given situation.

- preventing the digestive disorders associated with stress developing. (Use this before eating to make sure that your digestive system is ready and willing to receive the goodness from your food in a calm and efficient manner.)

- relaxing and clearing your mind before sleep

- inducing a feeling of calm from which you can then step deeper into a meditative or relaxed state

By Ananga Sivyer

Stress Management: 7 Universal Laws for Managing Change

1. The Law of Stagnation

This is also known as first order change. First order change is a type of change where there really is no change.

How's that again? Pretty foggy, huh?

Allow me to clear it up for you. Authors Waltzlawick, Weakland and Fisch, in their book "Change: Principles of Problem Formation and Problem Resolution" explain it this way:

"...A person having a nightmare can do many things in their dream - run, hide, fight, scream, jump off a cliff, etc. - but no change from any one of these behaviors to another would ever terminate the nightmare."

In other words, you can have lots of action and moving around, without any real change taking place.

A good example from the relationship world is the belief that ending one relationship for another will change everything and make you happy. Not necessarily. Remember these profound words of wisdom, "Wherever you go, you take yourself with you."

2. The Law of Transformation

This is also known as second order change. Again, according to the authors,

"The one way out of a dream involves a change from dreaming to waking. Waking, obviously, is no longer a part of the dream, but a change to a different state altogether."

In other words, transformation, or put more simply, real change, involves movement from one state to another.

3. The Law of The Clutch

This is also known as the law of conscious attention. Several years ago, the clutch went out on my two year old car. I asked the mechanic why this would happen so soon and he asked me a few questions about how I drive. It turns out I was a champion clutch rider. If it was possible for me to have the clutch in, it was in.

What's the point? Well, I found myself having to pay conscious attention to something I had been doing, kind of unconsciously, for years - driving.

There are times in our life where we have to pay conscious and careful attention to what we are doing and thinking in order to get the changes we want.

4. The Law of Others

Whenever you set out to change someone else, you are doomed to frustration and failure. The only person we can change is ourselves, and that's difficult enough sometimes.

5. The Law of Wet Diapers

The only person who always likes change is a wet baby. Sometimes change can be the last thing we want. At the same time, change is an inevitable part of our lives.

6. The Law of Waves

Like change, there are three ways to handle a wave: you can let it knock you down, you can survive it, or you can ride it and thrive. Only the wisest and most creative of people do the latter.

7. The Law of Kaleidoscopes

Remember the kaleidoscopes we played with as kids? You would look through the hole in the tube, turn the end of the tube and watch the colors change. Many times there would be a series of small shifts followed by a big shift in the picture.

That's often how we change as well. We make a series of small shifts leading to big changes.

So if you find yourself frustrated by only being able to make small changes, remember, big changes can be just one more small shift away.

Adventures in Relieving Stress

Whether we are at work, traveling, or at home, we've all had bad days. Those stressful times can be difficult, but important, to shake. Your mental, emotional, and physical health depends on you to find ways to relax and regain equilibrium. I'm going to be sharing some practices that you can do to help throw off that stress and reclaim your Happy Self in no time!

First, let me explain a little bit to you about Stress Chemicals. Stress and other forms of negativity affect your sympathetic nervous system and endocrine and hormonal systems. Stress sends nerve impulses to the adrenal glands, which in turn puts a number of different chemicals into your blood stream. They affect the pituitary gland, which causes yet even more chemicals to be released. These chemicals include corticosteroids, such as adrenaline and noradrenaline, other hormones, and neurotransmitters. All the chemical reactions can turn into a vicious cycle making it harder to clear yourself from them and the damage they cause.

The good news is there are a broad variety of tools you can use to relax your mind and body to relieve the stress chemicals before they cause too much harm. Let's go on an adventure and try a variety of activities to find what works best for you!

My favorite thing to do to help me get back to my Happy Self is to take long hot baths. Bathing works to clear the stress chemicals from our topical bodies, relaxes our muscles, and it feels wonderful! Epsom salts, Bath Salts, or Sugar Scrubs are perfect agents to use. I also use aromatherapy products such as candles or incense. Soothing music is a beautiful touch as well.

Another important thing to do is to Move Your Body! Yoga, Pilates, or any stretching exercise will help release the stuck stress chemicals from your muscles and spine. Any sort of stretching will do, touch your toes and reach up high into the air, as high as you can reach and then bend back down to touch your toes again. Even one minute of stretching is beneficial. Try to take several mini stretch breaks throughout your day. Take a walk, dance, jump up and down, do whatever you can think of to just move, even if only for a couple minutes a day out of your hectic schedule. You'll be amazed at how this increases your energy and gives you more stamina against stress.

Good breathing practices are critical. Of course, you HAVE to breathe. Good breathing takes some practice and will give you the most benefit of how the oxygen circulates through your bloodstream. Use good breathing to replace stress chemicals with clean energy. This helps your body tremendously and helps your mind react with more stability. The simplest method I've found is to breathe in slowly and steadily. Try it! Take three nice deep breaths, through your heart. Now, focus on your diaphragm filling up like a balloon each time you inhale and deflating softly with each exhale. Allow this process to be very natural and steady. This is the perfect practice that you can do anytime, anywhere. I encourage you to practice this one as often as you can think of it. I find rush hour is a particularly good time for me to work on breathing techniques!

Visualization techniques are another great practice to focus on from time to time. Don't worry if you can't actually SEE what you are trying to visualize. Every person sees things differently. What's important is your intention. For example, think of your favorite desert; really think about it, the way it tastes, the texture, and the colors. How are you doing at imagining that? That imagining is exactly what visualization is. You are all ready an expert! Let's put that expertise into motion with some visualization exercises. Find a relaxing area, sit or lie down, any position works wonderfully for this. When your comfortable, imagine a ball of bright white or very bright blue light as a little spark that starts in the area of your sacral chakra (Your tummy area), allow it to grow into a flame. Allow that flame to grow within you and outside of you. Let the flame fill your whole space and imagine it "burning" out all negative blocks or murky feeling areas. Now, imagine the flame blowing out of you and disappearing into the distance, taking all the negativity with it. Now breathe! You can also do simple visualizations of your favorite Happy Places. The beach, a beautiful sunset, or a loved one always works well for me. Whatever your very own special Happy Places are, spend some time and go there in your heart and mind and notice how refreshed you feel after your "journey".

One last I'll leave you with for now is to begin a journal. Use it to record where your stresses come from, what you did to relieve yourself from it and how that turned out for you. You'll be able to use your journal to fine-tune the methods that work best for you. While you are doing this, remember to mix it up a bit. Try practicing visualization or breathing techniques as you soak in a nice hot bath, or when you are stretching. Mix all the techniques up to find your own variety of stress relief tools. Then, when those yucky, stressful days hit, you'll be well prepared to handle them with ease!

By Tracy Togliatti

Waking Up Well - The Essentials

Preparing for sleep the night before is the place to start. Quality sleep vs quantity is vital. A busy mind leading to broken sleep does not allow for a fresh mind on waking. Try some of these simple steps to help you sleep well and then wake well.

1. Use essential oils like Vetiver or Sandalwood in a vaporiser at bedtime to help you switch off and ground yourself so that you can enjoy quality sleep. Try vaporising my own "Sanity Saver" blend contain Vetiver, Geranium, Australian Sandalwood, Patchouli and Ylang Ylang. This simple and earthy blend stops your mind racing so that you can focus on one thing at once like sleeping. It helps to restore some peace and balance to your life during the busiest of times.

2. Reduce intake of alcohol the night before.

3. Sleeping in a cool and dark room, allows you to enjoy a more restful sleep.

4. Not too many heavy refined foods at night as they can lead to sluggish feelings in the morning.

5. Before you go to bed, write a quick note on any thoughts that are in your brain, getting them out allows you to release them until the next day.

6. The most common time for heart attacks is Monday morning, get the works stresses out of your mind before you go to sleep and keep the pressures off your body.

7. If you wake and you are sluggish, start with a cold shower or a brisk walk around the block, they both bring energy quickly to a tired soul.

8. Roll over and enjoy a moment with your partner, don't just race off to get into the work day, even if you are busy and have to go take a moment to be with them and make your heart smile.

9. Vaporise citrus or leaf essential oils like Orange, Lemongrass, May Chang or Grapefruit to enliven you and give you the maybe needed kick up the bum start to the day. These essential oils will help lift you physically and emotionally. Re-gain the feeling that you are really living and not just existing. Try vaporising my favourite morning blend I call it "Play More" and it contains Sweet Orange, Grapefruit, May Chang and Ginger essential oils.

Life Balancing expert Jennifer Jefferies is one of Australia's best-known authors and speakers. Jennifer's simple, practical and proven 7 Steps to Sanity can help bring balance to anyone who wants to have it all without sacrificing their health, sanity or sense of humour along the way. Jennifer is a qualified health practitioner, who speaks to corporations throughout Australia, New Zealand and Southeast Asia, sharing practical real-life strategies that help people to improve their health, wellbeing and productivity by finding balance in their lives.

Jennifer has also written numerous books and e-books and life balancing products. You can contact Jennifer at:

By Jennifer Jefferies

Stress Managment and Mastery: 6 Stress Busting Tips

In a hectic world, it's all too easy to reach the point of feeling stressed out beyond our ability to cope. Yet it's our ability to cope that makes all the difference. The point is that stress is not going to go away; it's here to stay.

If you find yourself reading a book or attending a seminar that says you can eliminate all stress, either throw the book down or leave the room.

You cannot eliminate stress. But you can learn to handle stress successfully.

Let's look at six different strategies for successfully handling the stress in our lives. Each can be used separately or in conjunction with the others.

1. Talk it out

Whatever we don't talk out, we act out. That's a basic rule of mental health. If we don't discuss the issue, it's sure to surface in some other way.

2. Take mini-vacations

It's a mistake to think that we can push hard all year (or maybe longer) and then expect that all our stress can be healed in a one or two week vacation. It just doesn't happen.

Our bodies, minds and spirits need more frequent breaks. This is especially true if you are one of those people who schedules a vacation as they would a typical work day, so as to get the most out of it.

3. Distinguish between stress and pressure

Stress comes from the outside; pressure, on the other hand, is an inside job. Pressure is what we tell ourselves about the stress.

Here's a saying I came across recently:

"All the water in the ocean can't sink a ship unless it gets inside."

Sometimes, telling ourselves something as simple as "I can handle it" is all we need to keep the stress outside of us.

4. Create your own relaxation triggers

This exercise involves three simple steps that allow you to relax anywhere, any time.

Step 1: Picture yourself in a relaxing place. Create as much detail as you can in the picture, making it bright and colorful. Immerse yourself in the scene: See it, hear it, feel it.

Step 2: While you are picturing yourself in this place, create an immediate trigger that will instantly remind you of the relaxed feeling. It could be a snap of the fingers, a word or phrase, or a mental picture. It should quickly and strongly remind you of your relaxing place.

Step 3: When you find yourself in a stressful situation, simply fire off your relaxation trigger and feel the almost-instant relief.

5. Stop worrying

That sounds too simple, but just consider for a moment: What good, what change has come about from worrying?

6. Take action

Do something about what is causing you to worry. It's difficult to worry when you are busy doing something about it.

This list began with a suggestion that you talk about your stress. That's a good idea, most of the time. It can become a bad thing, though, if that's all you do.

To make stress work for you, it's essential that you take concrete action.

So there are six strategies for making stress work for you. Here's one more suggestion: Practice one of these each day for the next six days.

At the end of those six days, you'll have strong tools for dealing with stress.

Stress Managment: 12 Universal Laws for Managing Anger

1. The Law of Everyone

It is not neccessarily wrong to get angry. You get angry, I get angry, all God's children get angry. It's what we do with our anger that makes the difference.

2. The Law of Stress

Although we don't often think of anger as a form of stress, it is by far one of the largest and most destructive forms of daily stress. Manage your anger, and you manage a large amount of your stress. 3. The Law of Choice

Anger is rarely if ever an automatic response. It's a choice. It's a choice because we have to think about something before we get angry.

4. The Law of Shoulds

We all have beliefs about how the world and the people around us should behave. When these beliefs are violated, anger is a natural, and sometimes reasonable response. The problem is that when we "should" on somebody, it can become a trigger for our anger.

For example, if we run the sentence "that driver should not have cut in front of me" over and over in our heads, the response is not likely to be pretty. At best we'll raise our blood pressure, and at worst do something really stupid.

5. The Law of Blame

Another one of our thoughts that lead quickly to anger involves blaming someone or something. The dance of blame is a deadly two step:

1) someone is at fault, and

2) they should be punished - anger can be very punishing.

6. The Law of Cause

This one is closely related to the law of blame. There is a myth in our culture that very few people ever question. The best example is the phrase "he made me angry."

Well, bull! No one can make us angry without our cooperation.

7. The Law of Emflaming

Another myth is that if we are able to vent our anger it will automatically decrease. That is not necessarily so. I once watched a neighbor stomp around the side of his house, grumbling and swearing as he went. Stomping by the air conditioning unit, he smashed his fist down on top of it. That move not only made him more angry, it looked to me like it hurt a lot too. Grumbling and swearing even louder, he stomps into his backyard and kicks a lounge chair. It didn't appear to calm him down, and it looked like that one hurt too. I found out later that he broke both his hand and his foot on his romp around the yard.

8. The Law of Source

In almost every case, anger is a secondary emotion. In other words, we experience some other strong emotion before we feel the anger. Follow the source and you usually come up with one of three strong emotions - fear, frustration or hurt, or some combination of the above. Deal with fear, frustration and hurt and you can cut anger off at the pass.

9. The Law of Battles

Learn to pick your battles. If you get angry at everything, then your anger means nothing. If that sounds confusing, here's an example: how much would gold be worth if we all had it in abundance? That's right, not much. Gold is valuable because it is so rare. If you are always getting angry, people stop taking you seriously and just want to avoid you.

10. The Law of Worth

Ask your self this question: "is this situation worth getting angry over?" Most time it just isn't.

11. The Law of Muscles

Learn to exercise your choice muscles.We can choose to be angry or we can choose another way of handling the situation.

12. The Law of Channeling

When you do get angry, channel it into something you can use to benefit you, such as motivating you into changing what can be changed.

Breathe Out Negativity And Stress!

If you have never tried combining your breathing exercises with the use of colours I highly recommend you begin.

It can really aid in eliminating negative feelings and go a long way towards overcoming anxious situations where you may require that little extra shove to step out into the unknown.

DIFFICULT SITUATIONS

For many years I often let difficult situations get the best of me, ruining my performances in martial arts competitions for example.

Fear would overwhelm me and dark clouds of self doubt would swamp my mind. This saps physical strength in a massive way!

It leaves you feeling helpless.

Obviously such feelings are felt in many, many, situations not just in sporting situations. For some, they are debilitating to the extent that they won't even try to step beyond these feelings anymore as they feel they have no way of controlling them whatsoever.

Well, they do!

Many people realise that breathing can help control feelings and emotions (although not many use it for this purpose). Few, though, actually think of combining it with colours to aid in taking control when their emotions are threatening to prevent them achieving a goal, whatever it may be.

WHY COMBINE COLOUR WITH BREATHING?

If you think for a minute of negativity black imagery may well come to mind.

Positive thoughts often bring with them vibrant light colours.

If you amalgamate your breath with colours you can literally take in positive colours and expel (with conviction!) negative ones.

If you relate expelling darkness with expelling fear about a certain activity you are scared of (and this is a very personal thing and it is hugely different from person to person ) this will help lessen that fear and doubt.

You literally breathe out your fear (the dark) leaving you with the courage (light energy that you've breathed in) to take control and at least try!

Obviously if you are an anxious or stressed person you may use this method to rid yourself of anxiousness and stress.

NOTE- You can never rid yourself of fear. It is innate in the human body and is needed. Such a deep breathing exercise that you will find below is more about focusing on the positive and not allowing the negativity and doubt to be the main thing you concentrate upon.

HOW TO COMBINE BREATH AND MIND TOGETHER

Try this simple method below and feel how it can positively change your perception on something you are fearful or negative about. Really expel dark clouds and associate this with ridding yourself of doubt about your own personal challenge.

1. Sit or stand comfortably.

2. Breathe in deeply and ensure the breath is going deep into

your body. Check for undue tension in the shoulders and for

whether they are rising up unnecessarily.

3. Breathe in through your nose and out through the mouth.

4. Initially perform ten breaths in this fashion. You should

now be relaxed and receptive to the next stage.

5. As you inhale now imagine a vibrant pure light entering

your body and filling it. Make the inhale slow so you

can imagine your body filling up with this positive feeling.

6. On the exhale bring into mind dark clouds that are being

expelled with a passion from your lungs. As you do so

relate this to your feared task, event, or whatever it

may be.

7. Take the time to perform this five to ten times. Having done

so you should be left feeling light of body and mind with an

attitude that is now much more receptive to the idea of

attempting the difficult task you are homing in on.

Give this a go right now just to get a feel for how it can make you feel. Truth be told you can use it to simply feel great or, as suggested above, to overcome mental sticking points in your journey to achieve goals or overcome anxiety!

Wholistics

I have yet to see a scientist talk about the impact of time viewing in any article. It will ensure the continuing exponential growth in knowledge. I think it is quite possible that this has been part of what has unleashed Pandora's Box already and it is a far better explanation for many things that the UFOlogists are talking about. There have been a number of recent Popes who say that aliens will come to teach us in this century and there is a scientist/priest who supposedly developed a chronovisor. The combination of already developing technology in Holography, nanotechnology, and quantum teleporting may make it possible to travel to various potential futures with intelligent machines that include the human brain contents which were dumped onto a computer by Stanford in 1999. The lack of dialogue in the media about these things is very troubling to me as people continue to accept our leaders know what they are doing.

I am even more troubled by the difficulty really good teachers have in getting meaningful curriculums approved. The ex-NHL goalie and Ralph Nader lawyer by the name of Ken Dryden wrote a book called In School. The back flap of it has this tidbit for your consideration: "Ken Dryden tackles what he sees as the education debate's retreat to a safe, unthinking - and ultimately - black and white ground of issues and policies at the expense of people. Ultimately he discovers that good teachers teach people and not just subjects." (8) Ken was just elected to Parliament from a Toronto area riding and I expect he will achieve very little change, but who knows?

Wholistics:

The prevailing medical opinion of 'experts' in the specialized field of heart ailments and the like, was that heart disease was incurable and that heart muscle could not regenerate. Not so long ago this nearly militant and totally negative or 'head in the sand' aspect of what some call 'The Toilet Philosophy' was rampant in the mechanized and unsoulful vestibules of veracity known as medicine. This model is still predominant but on the retreat because of great people like Patch Adams and the wholistic health movement. As the great sage Voltaire said: 'Man argues. Nature acts!'

Linus Pauling won a Nobel Prize for scientifically showing the benefits of vitamin therapy but it took over twenty five years for other researchers to prove much of his work. Dr Campbell at the University of Alabama finally drove the point home in 2001 when he gave detailed support, in that the immune system of mice produces a three times more effective partner in the fight against illness with the use of Vitamin C. Pauling knew stress was an important factor in how our bodies function. The thalami are far more important than medical science has historically given them credit for, since the allopathic gurus or 'drug-pushers' took over the healing arts.

Stress, a Heart Poison

High blood pressure, high cholesterol and lipid levels, poor glucose metabolism--all of these risk factors for heart disease can be identified and measured by scientifically accepted methods. {How do you measure the conscious input of the soul through the Thalami and the immune or endocrine system? This is the circulatory system of the soul according to many long effective remedies of the homeopathic or 'occult' genre we have detailed throughout these books. Clearly acupuncture works and it has for thousands of years but only now are researches of a truly open-minded nature taking place.} For that reason, mainstream medicine has concentrated on assessing and treating these medical problems during much of the twentieth century, for the most part leaving aside another integral part of the cardiovascular picture: the effect of stress on the heart, blood and blood vessels. {This book is recommended reading by the editors of Prevention Magazine Health Books, and he is a good doctor.}

The difficulty many physicians have in assessing stress is three-fold: First, except for extreme situations, like the death of a loved one or the imminent threat of physical harm, a clear definition of stress is not available {My 'twin' was a lecturer in the convention auditoriums of up to 15,000 people during the Stress Management 'fad' of the 70s and early 80s. She would throw dishes or slam doors when unable to handle her stresses. Of course she didn't tell others these things when advising them what to do.}. Everything that occurs in your life or exists in the atmosphere is technically a stressor because it affects you in some way. If it is very hot out, for instance, your body will adjust to the increased temperature by cooling the skin with perspiration. In this instance, heat is a stressor because it spurs the body to action. If you receive an unexpected bonus from your boss, the excitement {When I decreed that I would win an RX-7 in Mazda's nationwide salesman contest in 1988 for a month to all my fellow salespeople at Tom Wood's dealership in Indianapolis - I won! The manager played head games with me for two hours on the day of the announcement. This was the closest I ever came to a heart attack, I think!} the event stimulates may make your heart beat faster, your muscles tense up, your palms sweat. Despite its positive impact, then, the news of your bonus is a stressor because it forces a physiological reaction--one that will be described in more depth below--to occur.

A second problem in relating stress to disease involves how variable our reactions to stress tend to be. Clearly, not everyone responds to stress in the same way. Some people become outwardly aggravated over the slightest mishap while others never blink an eye even when disaster occurs. It should be noted, however, that the outwardly calm person may actually be seething inside, perhaps negatively affecting his or her physiology even more than the person who expresses anger and frustration in a more open way. {The Carnegie Public Speaking Course is an excellent way of learning to adapt to personal stress responses for many people.}

Third, and even more significantly, stressors vary from person to person. For some, a day spent lying on a beach is completely relaxing, while for others such forced recreation is sheer (often blood-pressure raising) torture. It is how you as an individual perceive an event that determines how your body reacts to it.

Despite the difficulties in defining and measuring stress, it has become increasingly clear to even the most hard-nosed mainstream physicians that a connection exists between the mind the emotions, and health. In the study of heart disease, in particular, evidence has begun to mount that excess stress increases the amount of cholesterol in the blood, thus contributing to the development of atherosclerosis. Stress may also increase the heart rate and raise blood pressure. In many individuals, including Melinda, stress results in decreased circulation to the heart muscle itself, often causing the pain known as angina.

Fortunately, it is possible to learn to control both the way you perceive stress and how your body copes with it, at least to a certain extent. Before we discuss relaxation methods with you, however, it is important that you gain an understanding of how stress affects your cardiovascular system and how you, as an individual, may be affected by stress.

The Physiology of Stress

If you've ever doubted that there is a connection between your emotions and your internal physiology {Or ESP.}, just think about the first time you fell in love. When you looked across the room and saw the object of your affection, didn't your heart beat faster? Didn't your palms sweat? Didn't you feel as if you might faint because the blood had rushed from your head to your feet as you tried to make your way to the one you loved?

In addition to infatuation, what you were feeling was fear and anticipation--of rejection, of commitment, of the unknown, perhaps even of success--and your body sensed your emotions. In a completely instinctive and interdependent way {ESP}, your brain, your hormones, and your nervous system worked to prepare you to face what you perceived as a threat to your emotional, if not physical, safety. Whether you are conscious of it or not, your body has a remarkable gift for self-preservation. When its internal balance is threatened in any way, it mobilizes immediately, preparing you either to battle the impending danger or to flee from it. We're perhaps more used to thinking of this response, known as the 'fight-or-flight response', as occurring during times of physical danger: Out of nowhere, it seems, a bus bears down on you while you're crossing the street. Your heart starts to pound and the muscles in your legs and arms tense up. Before you know it, you're safely across the street, running faster and harder than you'd thought possible.

The sight of your new love and the sight of the bus set off the same chain of reactions in your body. As soon as a threat to your internal harmony is perceived--positive or negative--your body goes into action. In fact, it is no longer possible to discuss a separation between what we think and feel and our physical selves; they are one and the same. You see a bus coming toward you and your heart starts to pound. Thinking back, you recall you felt afraid, and one of the physical manifestations of that fear was your heart beating faster and stronger. You've been taught by mainstream medicine to think that your brain 'told' your heart to beat faster and your muscles to tense up. However, recent research is showing that your mind exists not only in your brain, but in cells and tissues throughout your body. {And the chakras are critical centers of coordination.}

In particular, two interrelated systems, the autonomic nervous system and the endocrine system, become more active during times of stress. These two systems are so directly related to what is occurring to us emotionally and intellectually that they can be considered the physical representatives of emotions within the body.

The autonomic nervous system controls bodily functions like the heartbeat, intestinal movements, salivation, and other activities of the internal organs. It is divided into two parts that work to balance these activities: The sympathetic nervous system speeds up heart rate, narrows blood vessels, and raises blood pressure during times of physical or emotional stress, while the parasympathetic nervous system works to slow these processes down when the body perceives that the stress has passed.

Indeed, the two parts of the autonomic system represent a perfect example of the balance we know of as health. In Chinese medicine, the sympathetic nervous system is the 'yang' {This is a partial analogy that works for his illustration.} and the parasympathetic system is the 'yin' of the body and its responses. Bringing your body into harmony during and after stressful periods, by triggering your parasympathetic nervous system into action, is as important to your health as is reacting immediately, through the sympathetic nervous system, to the perceived threats known as stressors.

Directly related to nervous system activity are hormones secreted by the glands of-the endocrine system. The glands release stress hormones into the bloodstream that, in turn, produce various reactions in the organs and tissues of the body. These hormones are nor epinephrine and epinephrine (also called adrenaline). These two hormones are known as catecholamines. Secreted by the adrenal medulla (the internal part of the adrenal gland) and the sympathetic nerve endings themselves, catecholamines stimulate the sympathetic nervous system to raise blood pressure, continue to increase the heart rate, increase the metabolic rate, and make you breathe faster to provide more oxygen to your muscles. They also increase platelet stickiness, increase 'the possibility of dangerous arrhythmias and strokes, and cause spasm of coronary arteries. (9)

It has been easy for us to visualize certain extremely complex integrations of bodies and component organ to molecular level real aspects by gross and overly general designations and labels. When we actually believe the labels are what we simplify them to be; and then communicate about them as if their function is either exclusive or unaffected by and from the soul and other aspects such as yin and yang or its real 'chhi' that surrounds and is part of ALL there is - we end up missing the merit and value of what happens. This author is extremely enlightened in comparison to his counterparts and fairly reflects the wholistic possibilities.

Balancing Acts: Keeping Work and Life in Equilibrium

In the fast-paced world that we live in today, it seems as though it's hard to find enough time to do everything that needs to be done. Days at work are long, but too often don't seem to be long enough? we bring home what we can't finish and end up creating highly stressful situations for those around us. Even worse, it seems like medical science is constantly finding new problems that are caused by overworking and the stress that results from it. If only there were some way to reduce the effects of this stress and make life more work-friendly (and vice versa)?

Luckily, there are ways to negate the harmful effects of working too much? balancing life and work in a way that makes everything more harmonious. It can take a little getting used to at first, especially if you're a "Type A" personality that is used to pushing and driving on to finish the project or complete the proposal.

Counteracting the Negative Effects of Stress

Of course, just because you work long hours every day or put in a lot of overtime doesn't mean that you're doomed to be done in before your time by stress. There are a lot of methods that can be used to counteract the harmful effects of work-related stress and increase both your quality of life and the free time that you have available. The key to living a long and fruitful life is to learn to balance your life and your work, so that what time you have available to yourself is spent in the most enjoyable ways possible. Below are several ways that you can either decrease the harm that stress causes or free up more time for yourself (which in itself can decrease stress in your life.)

· Pets - Studies have shown that the simple act of petting a dog or cat can cause immediate and significant reductions in stress. Our animal friends have other stress-relieving benefits, as well? for instance, the sound of a cat's purr is an excellent stress reliever, as is the act of playing with a dog or watching fish swim in a tank. Research has also shown that pet owners tend to live five to ten years longer on average than those people who don't own pets.

· Schedule Family Time - Setting aside a specific time to spend with your family is a great way to reduce stress and make the most of the free time that you have. Ideas such as planning a "Family Game Night" or taking a weekly picnic to the park are gaining in popularity in many areas, and have been shown to not only reduce stress but also produce children who are more social and less likely to misbehave in adulthood. If you're not married or don't have any children, you don't have to miss out? schedule time to spend with siblings or friends, just to enjoy each other's company.

· Read - Set aside a little time each night to read. What you read doesn't really matter? it can be a tabloid, a magazine, or a novel. The important thing is that you're reading something because you want to do it instead of because you have to, and the act of reading for enjoyment tends to occupy your mind and release some of the pent-up frustrations and stresses of the day. As an added bonus, reading can increase your vocabulary, your reasoning skills, and your overall intelligence and outlook on life.

· Invest in a Filing Cabinet - It may not seem like much, but being organized can actually be a great stress reliever. File away pay stubs, tax returns, business receipts, and bills so that they're easy to locate should you need them. Not only will this save you time should these records become needed, but the act of organizing can have a calming effect on the mind and reduce stress.

· Lifestyle Management - Lifestyle management is a growing trend that can greatly increase the amount of free time that you have. Lifestyle management agencies can perform a number of services for you so that you don't have to, from running errands and paying bills to scheduling appointments and performing household tasks. Lifestyle management providers may perform different tasks than the ones listed, so be sure to find out what services an individual provider offers.

· Take a Vacation - One of the best ways to counteract the harmful effects of working too much is to take time away from work. Even taking a single week's vacation once a year can increase your life expectancy, give you a more positive outlook, and generally make your quality of life much better than it was previously. Just make sure that you follow the cardinal rule of taking a vacation, whether you go on a trip or just stay at home: when you're away from work, leave work behind and enjoy yourself.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder - Do You Worry All The Time?

Do you worry all the time?

Do the following symptoms bother you?

**I never stop worrying about things big and small.

**I have headaches and other aches and pains for no reason.

**I am tense a lot and have trouble relaxing.

**I have trouble keeping my mind on one thing.

**I get crabby or grouchy.

**I have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep.

**I sweat and have hot flashes.

**I sometimes have a lump in my throat or feel like I need to throw up when I am worried.

If you have read the above and have some of those symptoms, you may have Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)

Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) is a real illness. Though GAD is a real illness, GAD can be treated with medicine and therapy.

If you have GAD, you worry all the time about your family, health, or work, and even when there are no signs of trouble.

Sometimes you aren't worried about anything special, but may feel tense and worried all day long about nothing. You may also have aches and pains for no reason and may feel tired a lot.

Everyone gets worried at times, but if you have GAD, you stay worried most of the time, fear the worst will happen, and can't relax.

When does it start and how long does it last?

Most often GAD starts when a person is still a child or when they become a teenager. It can start as an adult, too. More women seem to have GAD than men.

People with GAD may visit their doctor many times before they find out what their real illness is. They may ask their doctor to help them with the signs of GAD like headaches or trouble falling asleep, but don't seem to get help for the illness itself.

Am I the only one with this illness?

No. You are not alone. In any year, 4 million Americans have Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)

By Fern Kuhn, RN

Taking Care of Yourself

Living in our world today can be very stressful. While some of the stress that we experience is actually useful for motivating us, a point can be reached where it becomes very harmful, physically, emotionally and even spiritually. Knowing how to manage and even reduce the harmful effects of stress on a daily basis, of staying balanced and centered as we encounter the many stressors of everyday living, is crucial to our well being. Among other things, taking care of ourselves will necessarily involve us nurturing our physical body, of eating healthy foods, of exercising. Learning how to take care of ourselves in this respect is also very important for everyone as our experience of stress can and does affect others as well.

Learning how to take care of ourselves also involves making appropriate distinctions about ourselves, others and life in general. One distinction that is crucial for our well being is realizing how and from where much of our stress is primarily generated. While some of the stressors that we face are apart of what it is to be a human being, much of the stress that we experience is of our own creation. A great deal of the stress that we experience has its origin in our own personal story and the meaning we make about life, in the thoughts that we think. Once we understand that we are truly the cause in the matter, that we are responsible for the thoughts that we create or invent and that it is from these thoughts that much of our stress is generated, then and only then will we begin to be able to truly manage our stress and have the power to live the life that we want and love. Blaming others or situations for that which we experience will only limit our power, lead to frustration and eventually a great deal of stress.

Becoming present to the fact that we have a tendency to constantly evaluate, judge and even blame others, and especially ourselves, is very important. How we conceive of others and ourselves in this respect will make a huge difference in our experience of life. For example, for some much of their life is spent attempting to make others and themselves wrong, wrong for what they think and do, wrong for what we think and do. Once we make another wrong, especially ourselves, anger, anxiety, guilt, frustration and even sadness will eventually follow and with it a great deal of stress. A simple truth is that as human beings we are all doing the best that we can at any given moment. If we or others knew differently we would behave differently.

Another simple truth is that we are perfect, whole and complete just as we are. It is our story about ourselves that does not allow us to truly experience our own completeness. Making mistakes in life does not make us wrong or flawed in some way but only presents us with feedback and valuable opportunities for growth. Becoming present to how we make ourselves wrong, of how we put ourselves down, allows us an opening to realize that we are not what we do or think. Our true self is something much different. Becoming present to our attempts to make others and ourselves wrong in some manner will also create a cleaning for us to begin to think, feel and behave differently. Once we fully realize that we are perfect, whole and complete just as are, we will bring forth into our lives experiences that will truly empower us and others. It will be at this point that we will begin to authentically take care of ourselves. Taking care of ourselves in this respect will also involve taking care of our true self, of unconditionally loving ourselves completely. It is only when we truly love and accept ourselves, as we are, in the present moment that we will be able to do so with others. We always think, feel and behave towards others as we think, feel and act towards ourselves.

One manner in which we can practice being who we truly are is beginning to become aware of the thoughts and beliefs that exist within us including and especially those that are self-limiting. Meditation and other holistic, self-enhancement techniques of this nature allow us this ability and opportunity to watch, monitor and become present to our inner world, to the very thoughts that generate our life and experiences. Such a process will eventually allow us to truly understand that we are not our thoughts and beliefs, that we are something different from, that we are much more. Our thoughts are merely apart of the machinery of being human.

Once present to the thoughts and beliefs that quickly, if not instantly, move through our mind also allows us the opportunity to reframe from impulsively acting upon them and as a result to become free from their constraints and potential harm to us and others. Such a meditative process, especially as it applies to the thoughts and beliefs that we have about ourselves, is the key to truly taking care of yourself. Such awareness will eventually allow us to truly experience the fact that we are good enough, just as we are, one that deserves to have a wonderful and powerful life, that we truly are perfect, whole and complete. Once we fully understand this for ourselves it will allow us to get it about others, for those that we work with and for those in our lives that we love. The end result of such a meditative process is that much of the stress that we experience, especially that which we create, will simply not exist, allowing us to create or invent the life that we truly want and love and to live it powerfully.

By Harry Henshaw, Ed.D., L.M.H.C.

Stress Managment: Worry is the Prescription for an Ulcer

Have you ever listened to someone, perhaps even to your self, talk about being worried? You'll hear things like, "I'm so worried", "I'm worried sick", or as my mom used to tell me, "You worry me to death!"

Certainly makes worry sound like a very powerful force, doesn't it? And as a matter of fact, it is. Worry can make us sick, and in it's most extreme form, it can kill us.

Then why in the world do we do this thing called worry? For some people, it's simply become an emotional habit that they no longer think about. "I come from a family of worriers", as if it's a genetic feature like eye color. For others, it's how to show you care about someone. "If I didn't care about you, I wouldn't worry", as if worry is a form of love someone would want to receive.

Here's what happens when we worry: because our brain cannot tell the difference between reality and a vividly imagined picture (worry), we respond the same way emotionally. So when we worry, our brains have gone into the future and created a vivid living color picture of our worry, and then our emotions, and even our physiology, rush up to match the picture.

Here's a little experiment that will clearly show what I mean. Picture yourself at home in your kitchen, and then walking over to the refrigerator and pulling out a great big juicy lemon. Take it over to the counter, cut it in half, smell the juice and feel the juice on your fingers. Now cut one of the halves in half. More juice, more smell. Now cut a slice from one of the sections. More juice, more smell. Now bring that slice up to your nose and take a sniff. Then, finally, take a big bite of the lemon.

If your are like most folks, your mouth is watering now, and you may even be puckering up a bit too. Here's the important thing to notice for our purposes: there is no lemon. You vividly imagined, with my guidance, a picture that caused a physiological response in your body. Remember, there is no lemon.

And so it is when we worry.

So that leaves us with a couple of choices when we worry: we can get an ulcer or we can get moving. Let's take a closer look at each of these options.

How to Get an Ulcer

Worry. A lot. Raise it to an art form. Make sure to worry about things you can do nothing about. Or if you are worried about things you can do something about, be sure not to do anything about it. Let your worry cause you to live all your moments in the future, missing the present of the present. Become a "what-if person": you know, "what if this happens, what if that happens....."

How to Get Moving

Make a distinction between worry and concern. Worry freezes you, concern motivates you. Allow your worry and concern to motivate you to plan for the future. Remember, the best way to predict the future is to create as much of it as you can.

Pray. A lot.

Since worry is really nothing more than using our imagination in a negative way, turn the process on it's head. Instead of vividly imagining the worst possible outcome, switch to vividly imagining the best possible outcome, and/or the outcome you would like to have happen.

I've saved the best for last. The best cure that I know for worry is to TAKE ACTION! Create a plan, plan for the future, do every thing you can to prevent the negative outcomes you don't want and do every thing you can to get the positive outcomes you do want.

The neat thing here is that if you do all the above suggestions to get moving, you won't have time or space in your brain to worry. And my guess is you will enjoy life much more.

Thanks for reading, and keep the change.

Everything You Always Wanted to Know About How to Get a Life, But Didnt Know Whom to Ask

Question 1

"How do I get more time to play?"

Answer: Schedule it in. Why? Because if you don't schedule it you will generally let other things have a higher priority and put yourself and a life further down the list. So just write 15 minutes a day, play time into your diary and don't change it for anything. To get started, get your diary NOW and write in one fun thing you have been hanging out to do. Call a friend and tell them that you are going to do it, and DO IT today. Question 2

"What happens when I feel guilty for not working?"

Answer: Get over it, and value yourself. Here's why: Emotions like guilt are more damaging to your health than physical stress. So, when you feel guilty for taking a break reward yourself for noticing and tack an extra five minutes playtime onto that break. If you give yourself a hard time for feeling guilty you add more stress. Relax and realise you are human we all need a break. Even your computer gets downtime and goes into "energy save" mode. Question 3

"How do I stop myself getting frustrated with life?"

Answer: Realise your expectations are just that, your expectations. Why? Because you only get frustrated when your expectations are not met. Get over that you cannot control everything or everyone. Relax and go with the flow. Ylang Ylang essential oil helps release anger that can come from frustration. It helps you relax and enjoy life your life. Vaporise it at home and work to relax. Question 4

"Where do I get the discipline to say No?"

Answer: Realise discipline is easier to handle than regret. Here's why: You cannot turn back time, and regret sucks the life out of you. Saying no to stuff that is draining your energy for life, feeds you the energy to keep saying no. Consider living by the rule "If its hard to do, all the more reason to do it". If you play that game, you have self-discipline and can say NO easily.

Question 5

"How do I leave work on time?"

Answer: Make you the priority. Why? Because you are the only one in control of your life and it's only you who can make it happen. Start telling yourself and everyone else that you finish and leave work at 5pm. If you keep saying you never get away on time, you won't. Use positive language to get what you want. Question 6

"What happens if I ask for what I want?"

Answer: You will gain the respect of others for actually asking for help. Here's why: People admire people who are straight and honest with them. It helps validate how they are also feeling. We all basically want the same things in life, but most people won't show their "humanness" and ask for what they want. If you don't ask in the first place you have no possibility of getting it. So create the possibility and ask for what you want. Question 7

"How do I get a social life?"

Answer: Get out and meet people. Why? Hiding from life only fuels the problem. Stop using work as an excuse and an avoidance tactic. Go for quality people and outings not quantity at first. If you need to be in control, bring people to your safe place like maybe home or local café and have a casual dinner or lunch. Question 8

"Why don't I feel deserving of rest time?"

Answer: You have too much fun whining about it. Here's why: It's easier to complain about stuff than to do something about it. If you respected yourself and took quality rest time, you would have nothing to whine about. Wow you would be happy. Shock. So, get off your soapbox about not having enough time and not being deserving and get on living the happy life you deserve. Question 9

"How do get more energy for life?"

Answer: Do something you enjoy. Why? You always naturally have the energy for the things you love doing. So just change your perception to what you are doing. If you tell yourself you are tired and life is now fun. That is what it will be. Change your perception to what is happening, tell yourself you have all the energy you need and you love life. Question 10

"What happens if I don't plan for play?"

Answer: You won't get it. Here's why: It's easier to do something for someone else than for yourself. So schedule it to the tiniest detail like you would a task at work, and focus on the joy that playtime will bring. Planning to this amount of detail feeds you energy and excites you into doing it more often. Write tomorrow's playtime in your diary right now. Question 11

"How do I get balanced?"

Answer: Allow yourself to be human. Why? Because no one person or thing is ever perfect. You will drive yourself mad trying to be perfect. Being balanced is noticing if you are not balanced and taking action to rectify it. For instance if you have extra coffee today the world will not end, simply have two extra waters to balance it out. Question 12

"What do I do if I'm in overwhelm?"

Answer: Stop and breathe. Here's why: Breathing keeps you alive. It really does. If you don't breathe when overwhelmed, you will never think straight to get yourself out of it. So stop, breathe, see what is really happening compared to what you think is happening and deal with it. Question 13

"How do I take a block of time off?"

Answer: Plan ahead and schedule it. Why? Something will always come up otherwise. Commit to your health and wellness. Time away from work is the time you will get your best ideas, because your mind is free to be creative. If you don't already have a break of at least two weeks planned for this year, do it now. If you need to apply for the time off, apply today, then work out where you want to go. Question 14

"What happens when I don't eat properly or I skip meals?"

Answer: You increase your chance of losing your life. Here's why: Food is the fuel that keeps you alive. It's that simple, and the first thing that goes hungry is your brain. How can you think straight if your brain is not nourished? See food as a fuel and behave in your eating six days a week and have one FREE DAY a week to let loose. Question 15

"How do I make me the priority?"

Answer: You stop making excuses and do it. Why? You deserve to be happy and to enjoy life. Get a close friend to keep you in check. Each time you are copping out and not looking after yourself, ask for their help. And you do the same for them. Be honest with each other, plan for fun and get a life.

About Jennifer Jefferies

Life Balancing expert Jennifer Jefferies is one of Australia's best-known authors and speakers. Jennifer's simple, practical and proven 7 Steps to Sanity can help bring balance to anyone who wants to have it all without sacrificing their health, sanity or sense of humour along the way. Jennifer is a qualified health practitioner, who speaks to corporations throughout Australia, New Zealand and Southeast Asia, sharing practical real-life strategies that help people to improve their health, wellbeing and productivity by finding balance in their lives. Jennifer has also written numerous books and e-books and life balancing products. You can contact Jennifer at:

By Jennifer Jefferies

Stress Managment and Mastery: Break the Rules!

Of all the sources of stress in our lives, faulty emotional rules are one of the most debilitating. These faulty emotional rules are typically ingrained during childhood and become a part of how we live. Because they are largely unquestioned, we rarely stop and consider how they might be influencing our lives. If unchecked, these rules can even run our lives.

"How can I know what these rules are if I'm not aware of them?"

Good question. Perhaps a few examples can illustrate what I mean.

Let's consider a person who appears to have his life together. He is financially secure and fulfilling most of his dreams. Yet he always feels there is something missing.

If this scenario seems familiar, you're not alone. It's a fairly big club.

Now, check out what we discover about this person's faulty emotional rules for life. The rules are:

I have to be perfect.

If I'm not perfect, then I make a fool of myself.

Then I will never forgive myself.

That's not exactly a prescription for enjoying life, is it?

Let's look at another example. This person is in and out of bad relationships and has a history of being taken advantage of by others. Here are the rules this person lives by:

I have to please everyone around me.

If I don't, then I am bad.

Then people will abandon me.

Are you beginning to see a pattern here? Faulty emotional rules typically involve three steps or parts that look something like this:

1) I have to (fill in the blank). This usually involves some kind of command, with no choice allowed.

2) If I don't, then I'm (fill in the blank). This is usually something bad and difficult to change.

3) Then (fill in the blank) will happen. This is some terrible event that will dramatically affect your life, maybe even threaten it.

Now that the pattern of these rules has been established, you can look at the faulty emotional rules that interfere with your life. Just ask yourself these three questions:

In order to be a good person, what is it that I believe I must do?

If I don't, then what does that make me?

Then what will happen to me?

The answers to these questions can help clarify the faulty emotional rules you might have accepted in your life.

So what should you do with this information? This is one of the rare times when you are being encouraged to break the rules. And you'll be breaking them for a good reason.

One way to begin to break and then change faulty emotional rules is to ask lots of challenging questions. For instance:

Where did these rules come from?

Who taught them to you?

In what "emotional classroom" did you learn these rules?

Are they useful?

Do you want to keep them, change them or get rid of them?

Are they outdated and no longer applicable?

Are they like training wheels on a bike - necessary for survival at one time but no longer needed?

These questions can begin to loosen the hold that these rules have over your life.

The next step is to begin to construct and create your own emotional rules that fit your present life.

One way to do this is to ask friends and family about what rules work for them. They might look at you strangely at first, but if you keep digging, you might find out some interesting things.

Another way is to think of someone you admire and either guess about their rules and/or ask them.

Still another way is to ask yourself: "What do I need to believe in order to feel the way I want to feel, take the actions I want to take," etc.

All of us either have or have had faulty emotional rules in our lives. The trick is to identify, challenge, break and then, most importantly, change them.

Stress Management and Mastery: How to Handle Change

Q. I have just recently come to recognize that I don't handle change very well, although my husband and friends have told me that for years. I seem to have trouble with changes that are out of my control. And then when I try to change things I want to change, I just don't know what to do and get bogged down. What do you recommend?

A.

I believe that most people do not like change because they either don't know how to respond to it or they respond poorly.

One way to think about this is that change is like waves on the beach. Just like change, waves are relentless and can be powerful, and there's really only three things you can do with a wave: Let it knock you down, survive it or ride it.

Let's take a closer look at each of these three ways to handle change.

We let the waves of change knock us down when we take what I call the dead roach approach to change - flat on our back, feet in the air and just out of control.

You can tell you are taking this approach when you say things such as:

"I'm so stressed out!"

"I can't take this!"

"This isn't fair!"

"Why does this always have to happen to me?"

Doesn't surviving change sound like a good thing to want to do? Though in a few cases it's really the only thing you can do, it really isn't the optimal approach to take. I don't know about you, but merely surviving doesn't sound like a very compelling way to live.

If you're thinking or saying these things, you've probably settled on merely surviving:

"How can I get through this?"

"What's the worst that could happen here?"

"I don't know if I can take this."

"What can I do to get by?"

The problem with taking a survival approach is that you just merely get by. When you're ready to do more than just get by, it's time to begin managing change.

Riding the waves of change means moving from a state of survival to a state I call "thrival." Thrival is simply the process of making change work for you.

Here are some questions to ask to begin to learn how to thrive on change:

How can I make this work for me?

What's good about this?

What does this change allow me to do that I couldn't do before?

What positive things might this change force me to do.

Change is inevitable. How we handle it is optional. Make the choice to ride the waves and you're likely to create a compelling life for yourself.

Stress Management and Mastery: Watch Your Language

"Watch your language."

We all heard this admonition as kids and probably say it to our own kids as well.

Did you know that it is also a great stress mastering technique?

The words we use to make sense of both our day and the stress that confronts us make a huge difference in how well we handle our lives. Many times the words we use can make us feel even more stressed.

The funny thing is, it's usually just a very small distinction that can make all the difference. One of the best examples is what I call the "got to vs. get to" difference.

Saying "I've got to" is so prevalent in our language that most of us don't realize just how much and how often we say it.

Pay attention to how often you think and say, "got to." You'll notice that it makes you feel tighter, heavier and more rushed. Actual physiological responses in your body take place as your muscles tighten and your breathing becomes shallower.

Activities and tasks that are simply a part of life, or perhaps even a privilege, then become burdens to be carried and gotten through.

Instead of enjoying the day and the blessings that come with it, we focus on just getting through. Doesn't sound very compelling does it? Yet we do it all the time, every day.

Here's what I suggest you do. Over the next few days, watch your language. Pay attention to your language. Notice how often you think or say, "got to." I'm willing to bet you'll be surprised, and you'll begin to understand a part of why you feel so stressed.

Now that you're aware of how much you say "got to" and how much it effects you, here's what you can do about it.

Remember earlier I pointed out it was just a small distinction between "got to" and "get to"? Well, the distinction is small, but the difference is huge. You can look upon the same day, with the same tasks in it, and take a "get to" approach. You'll notice that you will feel lighter, less stressed, more motivated and more blessed.

Here's a recent example from my life. On a recent Thursday afternoon, I found myself in the middle of a "got to" binge. It was past the time I prefer to send in this column. We just got the news that my wife would require more surgery following her recent pregnancy. And I had a full load of clients to see that afternoon.

Here is one more suggestion - imagine what it would have been like to lay in bed this morning, thinking about all the "got to's" that were coming in your day. What does that feel like? Now, imagine the same scene, but focusing on all the many things that you "get to" do that day. Notice how different you feel? Which one do you like better?

It takes some practice, and with practice you can learn to avoid the "got to's" and focus on the "get to's" in your life. A small distinction, yes. And a huge difference.

Stress Management and Mastery: How to Learn from Mistakes

Q. I've been told that I need to learn from my mistakes. But telling me to learn from my mistakes is easier said than done. How exactly does it happen?

A. People seem to go through three stages in learning how to learn from their mistakes:

Stage One: Get me out of this!

No one likes mistakes or the problems and challenges that accompany them. But each mistake, problem and challenge comes with a gift for us.

When we are rescued from our mistakes, we miss out on what we are to learn from them. There are certain lessons that each of us is to learn in life. If we don't learn the lesson the first time around, the same mistakes, problems and challenges will come back around.

I call this the "taps and 2-by-4's process of life." When we need to learn and/or change something, life begins with a small tap on our shoulder. If we don't pay attention, the taps get more forceful. If we still don't listen, life has a way of taking out a 2-by-4 and whacking us across the head to get our attention.

Having been on the receiving end of a few 2-by-4's, I recommend that you pay attention to the taps, because 2-by-4's hurt.

Stage Two: Get me through this

Instead of looking for a way out, you are looking for a way through. We begin to ask questions like "How can I get through this?" instead of "How can I get out of this?" The focus is on survival instead of escape.

The only problem is that while surviving sounds good, it's not very compelling. How excited would you be each morning if you got up thinking, "All right, I get to go survive today"?

Sometimes it seems like the very best we can do is survive a situation, but I believe there are better responses we can choose. In the words of Dan Fogelberg: "Lessons learned are like bridges burned, we only need to cross them but once."

Stage Three: What can I learn from this?

This is when you begin to learn from mistakes. If you believe that all mistakes come with hidden gifts, then this is when you can begin to discover them. Just asking the question frames the situation in a different perspective.

Here are some useful questions to ask: What was I trying to accomplish? Did it work? What ongoing themes were revealed that need to be changed? How many other ways are there to accomplish what I want? Is what I want to accomplish the right thing to do? Is it worth doing? What will happen if I keep making this mistake and/or don't learn anything from this problem?

Making a mistake is not the biggest mistake we can make; not learning from them is the biggest mistake.

Stress Management and Mastery: Practicing Perspective

Q. I wonder if you could help me with a problem that just seems to be getting worse. I seem to blow everything out of proportion. I react so strongly to even small problems and always think the worst is going to happen. My friends tell me I do it, my husband tells me, and I know I do and I'm tired of it.

A. Whether you call it blowing things out of proportion, making a mountain out of a molehill, or some other phrase, it all comes down to turning every event into a potential catastrophe. This is called catastrophism.

It's a learned response. Most people who practice catastrophism have either had it modeled for them by someone else, received a great deal of attention when they go the high drama route, or both. Sometimes the problem can even get solved, which greatly reinforces the response.

Symptoms of catastrophism

Total or near total loss of perspective on the relative importance of events.

Turning the simple into something complex.

Viewing most, if not all, problems as potentially life-threatening.

Going from 0 to 60 emotionally in response to life's challenges.

Demanding that others see the situation the same way you do.

Frustration with others when they don't see it the same as you.

Catastrophism can be a very draining experience. Going from 0 to 60 all the time wears you out.

Imagine a meter that measures from 0 to 10, with 0 as rest and 10 as the strongest possible reaction. When we are faced with a challenge, we are designed to go from rest to some number on the meter and then back down to rest. But when we make events a catastrophe, we respond by shooting up the meter and never coming back down to rest.

Fairly soon we live at an intensity level of 5 and rarely get back to rest.

Another negative consequence of catastrophism is that people begin to not take you seriously. When everything is a big deal to you, then nothing is a big deal to those around you. So, when something really is a big deal, others will think you are crying wolf.

Another consequence is people tend to shy from the intensity and drama, so again, when something is an actual crisis, nobody's around to take you seriously.

Fortunately, there are many ways to intervene in this process and get the changes you want.

Practicing perspective

The first thing I recommend is to practice some perspective. Perspective is something you either use or lose. I worked with a client whose motto in the face of challenges was "Well, they can't cook and eat me." There might be some wisdom there. While you may not want to use those exact words, telling yourself "this is just an event" can calm you down and allow you to respond more effectively.

A fun way to get a different perspective on a problem is to think of a character whom you admire in a book or movie and ask yourself "How would this person respond to this problem?"

Another practical strategy is to consider how you see the problem vs. how a video camera would see the problem.

Here's a strategy that can aid you in your perspective practice: Either write down or imagine two scales from 1 to 10, with 1 the lowest and 10 the highest. The first scale measures the importance of the event; the second scale measures your response to the event.

I'm betting you have a history of responding to lower-scale events with some dramatic, higher-scale responses. You may want to get some help from your husband or a close friend with charting the importance of an event. What you want to do is practice responding at or near the same level as the event. If the event is a 3, instead of shooting up to a 10, practice responding at a 2, 3, or 4 level.

Given time and some practice, most people are able to respond in more effective ways to the events of life. One of the best payoffs is that life becomes more fun and enjoyable.

Stress Management: 5 Questions to Get Crisis to Work for You

Q: Someone told me that the Chinese symbol for crisis means danger and opportunity. I just lost my job, and I see nothing but bad stuff in this. Where is the opportunity?

A: When you are hit with a life crisis such as losing a job, it's easy to focus on only the dangers and bad things.

Here are five questions to ask yourself when life hands you something you don't want or like. They are designed to get you through the crisis and to help you manage your thoughts and emotions as well.

1. In how many ways can I make this work for me?

The language of this question is important because it contains what is called a presupposition. I think that the first people to really understand the human brain and emotions were not psychologists, but those in advertising and sales.

For example, when you are shopping for a new car a good salesperson will ask "Do you want to buy the red car or the blue car?" The presupposition is that you will buy one of them.

Our question presupposes that there is a way to make this work for you, and it also assumes there are several ways to do this. It may take a great deal of creativity, but creativity is simply the ability to look at something that has always been there and see something that has not been seen before.

2. What's good about this? What does this allow me to do that I might not have done before?

One of the many results of losing a job is you suddenly have a lot of time on your hands. While this can be scary, it also can work to your advantage. Are there projects around the house you can now complete? Are there members of your family with whom you can spend more time?

One of the best uses of this time can be to step back and consider what it is you really want to do in life. If you have been doing something that is not your passion, losing your job could be your ticket to living and working out your passion.

3. What would you love to do?

If there is not a job like that around, how could you create one in a way that would add value to the lives of others? The happiest people I know are those who are doing what they love for a living.

4. What does this force me to do that I might not have done before?

When our backs are up against the wall, we sometimes have to face issues we have been avoiding. Do you need to improve your job skills? Go back to school? Sometimes being out of work can expose financial areas of your life that have not been taken care of. Once you are working again, do you need to get out of debt, take care of retirement, or something else?

5. How many ways can I make this work for me?

I know I asked that question once already. But questions 2 through 4 prepare you to better answer the question the second time around. See what other useful answers you can come up with at this point.

It comes down to a sometimes difficult choice: Am I going to focus on all the ugliness of what has happened, or am I going to focus on how to come out of this better, stronger and wiser than when I went in?

Stress Management: Are You a Chooser or a Loser?

Author and speaker H. Stephen Glenn has said,

"In terms of the entire world, if, when you wake up in the morning, you have a choice of what to eat, a choice of what to wear, a job to go to and a way to get there, you have abundance."

And yet we squander that abundance so often by not making choices in our lives. We allow life to just happen to us, instead of choosing what we believe to be best for us. We have enough abundance to create and live our best life, and yet we lose out by choosing not to. We have very weak choice muscles.

So the question becomes:

are you a chooser or a loser?

If that sounds harsh, well, so be it. It's a harsh reality.

How to be a loser

Allow life to just happen to you.

Play the victim role.

Complain without taking any action.

Believe you have no power to influence yourself or others.

Take the "dead roach approach" to events that occur in your life _ lying flat on your back with your legs wiggling in the air and whatever happens, happens.

Believe in silly sayings such as "waiting for the other shoe to drop" and "bad things always come in threes." These are classic self-fulfilling prophecies.

Take a reactive approach to life - do not use you brain.

Ask really useless questions like "why does this always happen to me?" while whining "this is not fair!"

Play it safe and don't take risks _ prefer the safety of mediocrity over the chance to go for want you want in life.

Set very low expectations for yourself and then consistently fail to live up to them.

How to be a chooser

Realize - get it - that you have choices!

Take a proactive approach to your life.

Expect success and for things to go well and go your way.

Set high expectations for yourself, higher than others expect of you, and then exceed them.

Pick a direction in which to head and then pursue it with all you have got.

Be creative. So many people limit themselves by telling me that they are just not creative. My response is "Do you worry?" Answer _ "Yes, of course. All the time." Then you know how be creative. Worrying is simnply being creative in a negative, limiting way. Creativity is simply this: "looking at something that has always been there and seeing something that has never been seen before."

Stress Management: How to Use the Power of Focus

Here's a fun little experiment:

Take a few seconds and look around you, noticing and focusing on everything you see that is blue. Just look around and notice everything that is blue.

Now close your eyes, and tell me everything you noticed that is green.

Threw you a bit of a curve ball there, didn't I?

If you are like most folks, you were expecting me to ask you to name everything that was blue. Instead I asked for something different from which you had focused on.

Here's an interesting fact from the world of race car driving:

As I understand it, when new drivers are learning how to race, one of the first things they're taught is what to focus on when they go into a spin.

The natural tendency is for them to focus on the wall they're trying to avoid hitting - and they usually end up hitting the wall. They are taught instead not to focus on the wall, but on where they want to go. In this way, they have a better chance of avoiding the wall and successfully getting out of the spin.

The exercise and story both point to the incredible power of focus in our lives. Wherever we place our focus, the rest of our mind and emotions will follow.

So how do we learn how to do this focus stuff?

One of the quickest ways to begin to strengthen your focus muscles is to practice the 5-percent/95-percent rule. That means to focus no more than 5 percent on what you don't want and 95 percent on what you do want.

Focus 5 percent on what you fear and 95 percent on getting educated and skilled to face it.

Did you know that we all have fears? Even people who appear to fear nothing. The trick is not to have no fear but to work at becoming strong and skilled enough to face and conquer your fears.

Focus 5 percent on the problem and 95 percent on the healthiest solution.

Often it's easy to get caught in the endless definition and redefinition of a problem. "What's the problem?" is the wrong question. A better question is: "How many different solutions can we create?"

Focus 5 percent on the mistake and 95 percent on learning from it.

There's a wonderful story about a new employee of a large corporation who makes a $10,000 mistake in his first week on the job. Upon being called into the CEO's office at the end of the day, he tells his boss that he realizes he will be fired and that he is sorry for the mistake. To which the CEO replies, "Fire you? No way. I just spent $10,000 training you." I bet he became a valuable employee.

Focus 5 percent on who to blame and 95 percent on making sure to heal.

Getting stuck in blame sets you up to be lame. Focusing on healing allows you to move on with your life.

Focus 5 percent on the conflict and 95 percent on the win-win-win resolution.

Conflict, especially in families, does not always have to be a win-lose situation. In any conflict, each side has needs. The question is what kind of solution can be found that meets as many of each person's needs as possible.

Focus 5 percent on what you must do and 95 percent on enjoying the process of it.

"I have to," "I've got to," "I wish I didn't have to" are all phrases that focus on having to do things we don't want to do. Better words that shift your focus would be: "How can I get all this done and enjoy the process?"

Finally, and most important:

Focus 5 percent on reading this 95 percent on applying it.

When you drive, your car follows your nose.

When you live, your life follows your focus. Where's your focus